Category: Commentaries

9/11/1998

Asphalt shimmers in blurry waves.  Palm trees sag in listless surrender without the slightest hint of a breeze to rustle the fronds.  A tumbleweed rolls slowly through the intersection of Rodeo and Wilshire.  Beautiful people hide behind tinted windows in carefully controlled air conditioned environments.  Beverly Hills panhandlers beg for bottled water.

In one year, we’ve lived through 40 days and 40 nights of flooding rain, hailstorms, tornados, mudslides, earthquakes and fires.  The forces of nature have delivered a hellish blow of Biblical proportions.  But all this was just a warm-up for the drought that followed.  The butt cheeks of El Niño are hitting L.A. with a vengeance.

Payback is a bitch.

I should be used to the blistering heat that currently engulfs Hollywood like a giant sauna.  I am, after all, a child of the South where in the summertime, the living is easy…fish are jumping and the cotton is high.  I grew up in the Mississippi delta where the humidity and temperature made a daily race to 100 in a land so flat you could watch your dog run away for three days.

I’m now a hot child in the city.  And it’s different.  I’ve spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze mired in a funk so low it makes whale shit look like stardust.  I’ve been down so long it looks like up to me.

From the first of August through the middle of September, Los Angeles is not the place to be.  Everyone with money leaves for the beaches.  Those with none go home and abuse their families. Driving on the freeway is like being in the ring with Mike Tyson.  Everybody’s pissed off.

I take to prowling the sidewalks at midnight, searching for anything to pull me out of my manic depression.  On Monday I fell into a bar in Boys’ Town.  The bartender gave me a raised eyebrow and said, “Do you like Piña Colodas?  Making love in the rain?”  It did not cheer me up

I met my old lover on the street last night, she seemed so glad to see me I just grinned.

That was okay until she got so emotional, baby.  It didn’t take long to remember why she was my old girlfriend.

I continued my aimless wandering into the mystic.  I was looking for something, but I had no clue what.  Friends don’t help.  Emotions are funny.  When you’re in a great mood nobody is telling to get sad.  But fall into a little depression and it seems like every third person has a special formula for making you happy.

Sad songs say so much.

When I’m sad, I want to wallow in it.  Don’t try and make me smile.  And I don’t need the worry warts.  Don’t worry, baby.  Knock on wood.  I will survive.

But even I realized that I was over the edge.  This was the worst case of the droops ever.  My new name was “Mr. I Don’t Give A Damn.”  It got so bad that my kids put themselves up for adoption.  I had to find a way for Gerry to get his groove back.  Nothing from nothing leaves nothing, but you’ve got to have something if you want to be with me.

I decided to throw myself into the breach.  I would walk up to the edge of the cliff, stare down at the rocks below and determine my fate with a split-second decision.  I would step on Superman’s cape, spit into the wind, mess around with the old Lone Ranger and slap the hell out of Jim.

I walked alone into the depths of South Central at midnight on Saturday wearing black, red and blue.  This would be the test.  I would stare death in the eye.

It was too hot…to hot, baby.  The gangsters wouldn’t even come out of their houses.

I went back to my house and threw myself face down in the pool, breathing through the gills behind my ears.  I was doomed to live in a endless funk forever.   When in front of the house, there came such a clatter, I jumped out of the pool to see what was the matter.

I was struck mute. There at my front door was an angel.  She was dressed in a crazy outfit that I vaguely recognized.  It wasn’t Judy In Disguise With Glasses, but it was close.

“Hello, I love you won’t you tell me your name?”   I sang.

“Please don’t sing,” she said.  “You can’t carry a tune,”  She was right.

“I’m the 600 million dollar woman,” she continued, “and I’m selling grooves.”

“Don’t you mean the 6 million dollar woman?”  I asked.

“Adjusted for inflation,” she smiled.

“Where do I blow you up?”  I came back.

“You’re funny,” she said, “But you have a sad face.”

“I’ve lost my groove,” I frowned.

“That’s terrible,” she moaned.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for it, but I can’t seem to find it.”

She shook her hair back.  “That’s silly and a waste of time.  If you can’t find your groove, just buy another one.”

“Grooves are expensive,” I told her.  “Especially in Los Angeles.”

“That’s why I’m here,” she said.  “Hollywood isn’t the same without you.  I’ve been sent to loan you the money.”

“How will I pay you back?”  I asked.

“I’ll tell you the next time you’ve got writer’s block.  It’ll fill up another column.”

“Write on,” I grinned.

And that’s how I got my groove back.

August 27th, 1999

Last week, the Editorial dealt with the process of interviewing applicants for a job opening inside your company.  What about the flip side…when you’re the one seeking a job?

The volatile state of the record and radio industries assures just about all of us of one fact: Sooner or later, we’ll be looking for another job. It might be because you seek to improve your position.  Or you’ve been fired. The reality is that sooner or later you’ll lose your job and need employment.

Either way, a successful interview is the key to your employment future.

The first thing you need to do is give yourself an attitude adjustment.  If you’ve lost your job, get over it.  There are very few secrets in our business.  It is likely that the person who you are interviewing with is familiar with some of the circumstances surrounding your dismissal. You will probably be questioned about your former job in the interview and asked why you were dismissed.  Make your answers as positive as possible.  Lamenting how about how you “got screwed” is a waste of time and energy.  You must concentrate on your abilities, qualifications and interest in the new job, rather than dwell on the old.  If there were circumstances with your previous job that might cause your future employer concern, answer those concerns as quickly and concisely as possible.  Take time to go over this facet before the interview.  Knowing you will be asked about your previous position and the circumstances surrounding your leaving will give you time to prepare your answers before the interview.

Take comfort in the fact that you are getting an interview.  The fact that you’re in the door proves the company is interested in hiring you despite your previous situation.  The truth is, most employers are more interested in where you’re going than where you’ve been.

The same holds true if you’re trying to improve your position.  Don’t bad rap your present company.  Instead, sell your future employer on what you hope to bring to a new position.

No matter how seasoned the pro, everyone gets jitters before an interview.  Don’t panic.  Those feelings aren’t bad.  As a matter of fact, being a little nervous and excited can give you an energy boost for the interview.

Prepare in advance.  Although you can’t anticipate specific questions you will be asked, you can anticipate the general tone of the interview. Research the company.  Be ready to share your knowledge with the future employer.  If you have done your homework, there is little to fear.

Once in the interview, be yourself.  Relax.  Too many people try to be the person they think the future employer is looking for.  Don’t play this part.  You want to be hired for who you are, not for who you’ve pretended to be.  If you pretend to be someone you’re not and are hired,  you’ll probably be unhappy in the position.

Don’t think you have to agree with everything your future employer is saying.  Don’t feel the need to be a total “kiss-ass.”  If you feel the need to disagree, do so in a respectful manner.

Recognize the line between self confidence and arrogance.  Most employers want people who are self-confident.  By the same token, most don’t want arrogant employees.  State your case, make your impression, but be sure you’re not coming off as cocky.  Remember, you’re the one seeking the job.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that the person doing the interview will do a good job conducting it.  Most people aren’t good at interviewing.  Help your future employer bring out the best in you.  Don’t allow his/her inability to conduct an interview shut you out from sharing knowledge about you that might help you land the job.

Make sure to compliment the company and the job your future employer is doing.  Find a way to show how your hire will compliment his/her vision of the company.

Don’t drop names.  If there are people who will give you a good recommendation, list those in your resume.  Don’t make a pompous ass out of yourself by mentioning how tight you are with “whoever.”  If you’re so tight, why aren’t they hiring you?

Dress up for the interview.  No matter how “laid back” the company or your future is, don’t show up in jeans and a t-shirt.  There’ll be enough time for that after you’ve been hired.

Be on time.  If you’re late, you probably aren’t going to get hired for the job.

Before the interview ends, ask “Is there anything else you need to know?  Anything we haven’t covered?”  Make sure you’ve gone over over everything that will tip the interview in your favor.

After the interview,  make sure you follow up.  Don’t be a pest, but don’t get lost in the shuffle.  A short letter says it best.  Simply state that you enjoyed the oppurtunity and you’re looking forward to working for the company.

Good luck.

8/14/1998

It wasn’t long ago when “I’ve got good news and bad news” jokes were the rage.  In the true sense of the ‘90s, or possibly a retro back to the days of Clint Eastwood in Italy, we’ve now updated the phrase to good, bad and ugly.

To wit:

Good:  Your son studies a lot in his room alone.

Bad:  You find several pornographic videos hidden in his closet.

Ugly:  You’re in them.

Good:  You work for PolyGram.

Bad:  Your company is purchased by Seagram.

Ugly:  Doug Morris wants to meet with all the key executives and you’re not on the list.

Good:  You and your husband agree to have no more children.

Bad:  You can’t find your birth control pills.

Ugly:  Your daughter has them.

Good:  The Program Director agrees to have dinner with you.

Bad:  He makes the restaurant reservations.

Ugly:  The restaurant is in Paris.

Good:  Your son is finally maturing into a man.

Bad:  He’s involved with the woman next door.

Ugly:  So are you.

Good:  Your record was added at a radio station.

Bad:  The Program Director wants the act for a station promotion.

Ugly:  The promotion is the opening of a 7-11.

Good:  Your husband takes a sudden interest in fashion.

Bad:  He’s a cross-dresser.

Ugly:  He looks better in a dress than you do.

Good:  The Program Director agrees to spend a weekend with you in Las Vegas.

Bad:  You lose all your money.

Ugly:  The Program Director asks you for a loan.

Good:  The postman is delivering your mail early.

Bad:  He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47.

Ugly:  You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good:  Your morning ratings went through the roof on the day you scheduled a meeting with your morning personality.

Bad:  The rest of the station dropped drastically.

Ugly:  Your morning man is Howard Stern.

Good:  You have a talk about the birds and the bees with your daughter.

Bad:  She keeps interrupting.

Ugly:  With corrections.

Good:  You are the Program Director of a Top 40 station and your ratings go up.

Bad:  The station manager hires a consultant.

Ugly:  The consultant’s name is Rusty Walker.

Good:  Your wife isn’t talking to you.

Bad:  She wants a divorce.

Ugly:  She’s an attorney.

Good:  The station manager agrees to add your record to test the “Pay For Play” theory.

Bad:  He wants a check for $10,000.

Ugly:  The Program Director wants $20,000 cash.

Good:  Your daughter gets a job at the White House.

Bad:  As an intern.

Ugly:  Working for the President.

Good:  You’re sent 200 cleans of a superstar’s latest release by mistake.

Bad:  You’re called into the label president’s office to watch a video.

Ugly:  It’s a police surveillance of you selling the CDs.

Good:  Your four best friends are your neighbors.

Bad:  They are all good with sharp objects.

Ugly:  Their houses are labeled “Cell Blocks 1-4.”

Good:  You’re having an affair with your midday jock.

Bad:  She gets drunk at the station Christmas party.

Ugly:  She goes to the ladies room with your wife.

Good:  Jesus Christ returns to earth.

Bad:  He wants you on the phone.

Ugly:  He’s calling from Salt Lake City.

Good:  Your morning personality is doing a bit on mother and daughter hookers.

Bad:  You recognize your wife’s voice.

Ugly:  And your daughter’s.

Good:  A beautiful blonde drags you into a closet at the station Christmas party.

Bad:  The blonde takes off her dress and exposes her penis.

Ugly:  It’s bigger than yours.

Good:  You’re programming a station in San Diego.

Bad:  The station is sold.

Ugly:  To Heftel.

Good:  Network 40.

Bad:  Gavin.

Ugly:  R&R.

Good:  To tighten up your station’s sound, you drop several records, including two of Atlantic’s.

Bad:  Andrea Ganis is on the phone.

Ugly:  It doesn’t get any uglier than that!

February 4th, 2000

An article in this week’s Los Angeles Times by Chuck Phiilips didn’t mince words.. The Pulitzer prize winner quoted an internal memo written by Bertelsman Chairman Thomas Middlehoff which was extremely critical of the firm’s executives in the wake of the Time Warner/EMI merger.  In the memo, Middlehoff warned that the company would never reach the goal of being number one “…if executives sit back and wait to see which tactical move and strategic alliances the executive board develops in order to master the radical changes occurring in the communications marketplace.  Each and every one of you has to rise to this special challenge.  Those who still haven’t understood that time has come jeopardize both their existence and their position at Bertelsmann.”

The ominous tone of that memo was only the beginning as Bertelsmann and Sony announced that no merger between the companies’ music divisions would take place.

This is all interesting, but outside of Bertelsmann, what does it mean for you?  It means that playing the hits and getting the hits played aren’t going to be enough to solidify your job in the new millenium.

Middlehoff is justifiably angry at executives within BMG and you can rest assured that some changes will result because Time Warner beat Bertelsmann to the EMI punch.  Some executives who were comfortable with their recent success, may be looking for new jobs, not because of what they did…but what they didn’t do.

For the past five years, I’ve been screaming that continuing the status quo is not only not enough, but it puts you way behind the curve.  If you haven’t gotten the message already, it just might be too late.

Strategic planning meetings and the immediate implementation of those strategies are what will define your image and job performance in the coming months.  Relying on the things that have made you important in the past will be a waste of time.

The landscape is changing.  And rapidly.  Two plus two no longer equals four.  It may not be equal to anything.  Or it may equal everything.  It depends on your ability to look into the future and plot a course that will give you an answer.  The good news?  Even if you make a mistake, you’ll be able to fix it or act on another idea before you’re held accountable.  Your only fatal error is to do nothing.

Time is being compacted into milliseconds.  it is now possible to change the course of a business strategy within a few hours.  It once took years.  With the advent of of computers and the web, you can take an idea from creation to marketing to retail in a matter of minutes.

Soon, by the time you ask a PD, “Is it a hit?” the answer will be “it was.”

Although the skills you honed to perfection might have gotten you a job you currently have, those skills won’t be enough to keep you in the penthouse suite.  The term, “what have you done for me lately?” will take on a whole new meaning.  There is no “wait until tomorrow” in light of constant ads, realtime airplay and daily sales reports.

Part of the problem is our own fault. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” has been the mantra of radio and records (no pun intended) for years.  The new mantra is, “If it ain’t broke, break it.” Our jobs are changing.  The good news is we have the ability to define our new jobs.  Nobody really knows what they are.

In an industry that has seen little change since it’s inception, consider the following possibilities: four to six radio companies will own virtually all of the radio stations in United States.  Three to five companies will control the record industry.  Because the cost of business will continue to escalate, alliances will be formed between companies.  Promotion and marketing costs will be shared and slashed.  One promotion executive from each record company will meet with one PD.  Deals will be struck and records added and dropped at that meeting.

On the record side, retail bricks and mortar will become “clicks” and fodder.  Inventories will disappear because consumers will dictate how many “copies” of songs they want.  Acetates wont have to be pressed.  Units wont have to be ordered.  With one click, you accomplish demand, supply and fulfillment.

It is a brave new world, moving faster than the speed of light.  By the time you finish this Editorial, it’s probably out of date.  Forget your resume.  Nobody cares where you have been, only where you’re going.  Long no more for the good ol days.  They’re gone forever.  There is no tomorrow anymore.

It’s all today.

10/23/1998

I was speaking with Paul Drew this week about the state of radio.  It’s easy for those of us who were successful in radio to critique others…particularly when we aren’t dependent on a radio station for our livelihood.  Along with our criticism, however, comes the knowledge of exactly how difficult it is for programmers to succeed in today’s climate.  We understand the nuances of programming, because we were there.

With control of stations narrowing to five or six companies, it’s a matter of time before one or more asserts power in ways that will drastically effect the industry.

To understand the future, one must consider the past.  I’m not looking back to champion the glory days, but to give examples of what is sure to occur shortly.

In the ‘70s and early ‘80s, the RKO chain of stations dominated the radio and record industries like none before or since.  So strong was the positioning of these stations, that it was impossible for a record to break the Top 10 without the chain.  The power of an RKO chain add was enormous.  By putting records directly on the most important stations in the country, the path to success became a superhighway.  The opposite, of course, was also true.  If you didn’t get the chain, you were screwed.

RKO used this power to its advantage.  RKO featured recording acts for concerts and client parties long before the practice became widespread.  The possibility of airplay was so big that RKO seldom had to make specific commitments.  Instead of promising to play a superstar’s record for an appearance, it was a case of making the appearance to avoid potentially angering RKO  and jeopardizing a future release.

There were other radio chains during this period of time, but none was as successful as RKO at combining power for the betterment of the company.  The others chose to run each station individually rather than as a group.  It was a strategic mistake.  By combining each station into one corporate entity, RKO was able to wield power as no other before or since.  And RKO was able to exert this power with only 12 stations, six of which were Mainstream.  That pales in comparison with today’s giants.

When will it happen again?

Soon.  The two companies best positioned to make this move are Chancellor and Jacor.  These two giants control enough important, Mainstream stations to make it happen.  But before it can work, programming within the companies would have to be restructured.  One VP Programming must have the authority to make the moves with impunity.  If records are only occasionally added to the chain or done piecemeal, it won’t work.  The power comes from one decisive move.

RKO made one to three chain adds each week.  As a PD, you were required to add these records, but you were also free to add others working in your market.  Depending on the success, these individual adds might later make it on the rest of the chain.

Some PDs and record executives resist a move of this kind because of the consolidation of power.  Their fears are misguided.  Although the power of the VP Programming is absolute, individual PDs don’t lose anything.  They actually gain in this configuration.

At RKO, the different PDs were polled each week.  Their opinions weighed heavily in making chain adds.  Individual PDs used this power to their advantage.  If a record promoter was working the Boston PD on a song and it was added to the chain, the Boston PD took credit for getting it on the chain and thereby increased his stature.  The record promoter took the same credit by claiming his work through the Boston PD resulted in the chain add.  If the record didn’t make the chain, the Boston PD could show independence by adding it locally and the promoter took a bow.  If the record didn’t get added anywhere, the Boston PD and the promoter blamed the VP Programming and everyone was off the hook!

The fears of the record companies about the absolute power of one radio group dictating chain adds are unfounded.  The VP Programming can make concert and promotion decisions for the entire chain.  This would result in a better deal for both the individual stations and the record companies involved.  It’s one-stop shopping.  Record executives complain about the high cost of promotion.  Having a record added to a chain will allow companies to find out quickly whether or not a record is a hit.  If it doesn’t make it on the chain after a few weeks, promotional dollars wouldn’t be wasted on the eternal effort to find out.

It’s only a matter of time before chain adds again become a reality.  PDs and record execs shouldn’t fear this process, but welcome it.  You don’t really have a choice.

Besides, there is a more sinister possibility out there.  Such as, when will one of the monster radio conglomerates form its own record company?  The Platform is already in place.  Instant access is available.  That’s the real 2,000 pound gorilla.

The only thing that would strike more fear into the hearts of record executives would be if one of the radio companies decided to consolidate power, begin chain adds and name me VP Programming.

That, my friends, would be Godzilla!

10/16/1998

I have one of the best jobs in the world.  In my position, I get to speak with the most influential people in the radio and record industries on a daily basis.  Sometimes, they even listen to what I have to say!  I have the greatest staff in the business.  Network 40 is the only trade magazine staffed by former programmers.  We’re able to give insight that other trades, top-heavy with worn out record executives, can’t comprehend.  Programmers understand Network 40 because, in another life, we were them.  We’re able to bridge the gap like no other group in history.

Every member of the Network 40 staff is a seasoned professional who is personally interested in the realities of our world.  Except for one.

The Chrome Lizard is a paradoxical riddle who lives in his own universe, sliding under rocks and swimming in the murky depths of rumors, lies, half-truths and innuendos that pervade our industry.  He (The Chrome Lizard is male, we think…who wants to look?) manages to survive the slime of the cesspool in which he resides to deliver the latest gossip in a truly unique fashion.  In short, The Chrome Lizard is a beast!

While the rest of the staff is concerned with objective professionalism, The Chrome Lizard could care less.  He is mostly interested in causing trouble.  And he succeeds very well.

Six years ago, when I became program director of Network 40, I thought it important to have an outlet for the “stories” that light the fires beneath the radio and record industries.  In a business built on communication, the people in records and radio are adept at talking.  Nothing is more important than the “latest” buzz on the street.  More often than not, rumors become truth in our business.  Once people begin talking about something, it’s hard to believe it isn’t a great idea…especially because so many people are talking about it!

It was evident Network 40 needed some kind of outlet for this talk, but I had no idea how to accomplish this daunting task.  I certainly couldn’t write a gossip column.  I must maintain my intellectual status.  How could I disappoint my readers by stooping to gossip?  Besides, advertising could be cancelled.  It couldn’t be trusted to a member of my staff.  What if one of them go angry at me and started  vicious rumors about my demise?  I was at an impasse.

Only two people remain from the staff meeting years ago when The Chrome Lizard became a reality…myself and Kristen Guarino.  It was a dark and stormy night.  An evil moon glowed behind the clouds.  Thunder rumbled in the distance.  We were struggling with an answer to the question of who would write a gossip column for the outstanding, journalistic entity called Network 40 when suddenly, like magic, The Chrome Lizard appeared.  He didn’t make any promises.  He proffered no resume.  None was needed.  We didn’t know who he was (and still don’t…his identity is a closely guarded secret), but we all knew he was the one.

Over the years, The Chrome Lizard has become the prophet of gossip, rumors and lies about people and policies in our business…not to mention some over-the-line nude pictures that he managed to slip by the censors.

He’s titillated the tastes of the masses, damaged the careers of the inept, praised the deserving and cost Network 40 thousands of dollars in revenue.  He’s more than an icon…he’s the shit.

In recent months, The Chrome Lizard has become unruly.  He’s extremely dissatisfied about the censorship of his column and pissed off over the lack of nudity on his special page.

Being a lizard of the ‘90s, he’s taken matters into his own hands…er, claws.  Although it’s hard for him to speed across a keyboard with those webbed fingers, The Chrome Lizard has taken to the information super-slime-way with a vengeance.

The Chrome Lizard now has his own web page.  It’s possible to instantly access the latest gossip about the radio and record industries by merely jumping on the Internet at www.page6.net.  Not only can you find the latest rumors rumbling through our industries, but the nude pictures are way over the line!  The Chrome Lizard even has a way for you to post your own lies.

Want to share…without having your name attached?  Do you have inside information?  Are you angry at someone and want to strike back?  Pape6.net gives you the forum.

Don’t be left out.  Find out what’s happening instantly by becoming a personal confidant of The Chrome Lizard at www.page6.net.  This website isn’t like any other.  You wont’ find the usual industry publicity releases.  It’s just the dirt, baby.

And by the way, if you’re a client and www.page6.net shares something bad about you, don’t blame me.  I’ve got nothing to do with it.

I don’t even know the lizard.

2/19/1999

Fat Tuesday.  Nope, not a week when you got a lot of adds on your record, but the beginning of the end in New Orleans.  That would be The Gavin convention in the French Quarter.  Many of us will be there trying to pretend we’ve really getting a little work done.  Some will be putting on long faces in an effort to convince their bosses that they really aren’t having fun.

It’s all bullshit…the act and the convention.  Everyone knows the only convention where you can really bond with those from the business is the Network 40 Summer Games III June 24-26 in Lake Tahoe. But that’s another Editorial…or is it?

This year’s Gavin convention is full of questions.  The air is full of whispers and rumors of new mergers and further cutbacks.  It’s hard to be merry when you don’t know what’s going to happen to your company tomorrow..or is it?

If you’re looking to hide or have fun (or maybe both), you can do a lot worse than New Orleans.  So forget why you’re there…I mean, what is The Gavin, anyhow?  No Bill…no Dave Sholin…no Ron Fell.  Oh, but there’s David Dalton.  What was the original question?

Dalton tolerates me like an English lord who has to have dinner with a wealthy Irish farmer.  New money always pisses off old money…especially when there’s more new than old.  If David’s nose was a little longer, he would’t even see me.  David can’t help it.  He’s English, for God’s sake.  The English have no sense of humor.  They believe things are “cute” and “quite nice” and may give in to the occasional tight smile, but they’ll never laugh.  And certainly never at themselves.  They’re too serious.  Am I talking about the English or The Gavin?  Is there a difference?  What do I care?   I didn’t read The Gavin when Bill was alive.  I only go because Bobby Galliani gives me free passes.  And that’s really a sham.  It’s payola money he owes me from KFRC in the ‘80s.  What?  You think he managed to buy all those apartment buildings on the Atlantic local’s salary?

So, you’re wailing in New Orleans.  Can I give you a bit of advice?  Run!

There are only two things to do in New ORleans:  Eat and drink.  And there is no better place to do either.  In New Orleans, the bars are open all night, so be careful. Take it from one who grew up in the Vieux Carre, there’s nothing comparable to having fun drinking all night, then opening the door to the bar and having the morning sun slap you right in the face.  It’s the worst feeling imaginable.  Now you know why Dracula lies down long before sunrise.

Body language is extremely important at The Gavin.  Remember never to look someone in the eyes when you’re speaking with them.  Always look over their shoulder for someone more important.  It’s known as the “100-foot stare” in the business.

“The Glance” is extremely important.  When approached by someone at the convention, always glance at their name tag since there’s no chance you’ll actually know who they are.  Once they engage you in conversation, you can’t peek.  They’ll be watching for it.

And let’s not forget the language required.  Conventionese.  Is this your first convention?  You’re not familiar with the speech?  Please, allow me to help you out.  In the following paragraphs, you’ll find phrases (and the meaning) you’ll need to bob and weave your way through this, or any other, convention.

“When jagit in?”  This means I don’t know you very well, I don’t care to know you any better, we have nothing in common and I’m only talking to you because I can’t find anyone more important…right now.

“Where ‘ya stayin’?”  This means I don’t know you very well, I don’t care to know you any better, we have nothing in common and I’m only talking to you because I can’t find anyone more important…right now.

“Can I buy you a drink?” This means you’re really ignorant because nobody buys drinks at a convention except record people.

“Who does your stagers?” This immediately identifies you as a small-town PD. Even if you get an answer, you couldn’t afford it.

“Got any drugs?”  This used to signify someone who was looking to score pot, blow or LSD.  Now, it’s someone with an upset stomach looking for Zantac.

“How long is this award thing going to last?”  This means you’re an amateur.  Only those who actually win an award attend…and they’re told in advance or they wouldn’t show up.

“Want to come to dinner with us?”  This is asked by record people.

“Mind if I join you for dinner?”  This is asked by programmers, but it isn’t asked often since there aren’t many PDs at The Gavin Convention.

And the number one phrase that will be heard at The Gavin convention this year?  “When are the Network 40 Summer Games?”

June 24-26 in Lake Tahoe