Good, Bad And Ugly

8/14/1998

It wasn’t long ago when “I’ve got good news and bad news” jokes were the rage.  In the true sense of the ‘90s, or possibly a retro back to the days of Clint Eastwood in Italy, we’ve now updated the phrase to good, bad and ugly.

To wit:

Good:  Your son studies a lot in his room alone.

Bad:  You find several pornographic videos hidden in his closet.

Ugly:  You’re in them.

Good:  You work for PolyGram.

Bad:  Your company is purchased by Seagram.

Ugly:  Doug Morris wants to meet with all the key executives and you’re not on the list.

Good:  You and your husband agree to have no more children.

Bad:  You can’t find your birth control pills.

Ugly:  Your daughter has them.

Good:  The Program Director agrees to have dinner with you.

Bad:  He makes the restaurant reservations.

Ugly:  The restaurant is in Paris.

Good:  Your son is finally maturing into a man.

Bad:  He’s involved with the woman next door.

Ugly:  So are you.

Good:  Your record was added at a radio station.

Bad:  The Program Director wants the act for a station promotion.

Ugly:  The promotion is the opening of a 7-11.

Good:  Your husband takes a sudden interest in fashion.

Bad:  He’s a cross-dresser.

Ugly:  He looks better in a dress than you do.

Good:  The Program Director agrees to spend a weekend with you in Las Vegas.

Bad:  You lose all your money.

Ugly:  The Program Director asks you for a loan.

Good:  The postman is delivering your mail early.

Bad:  He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47.

Ugly:  You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good:  Your morning ratings went through the roof on the day you scheduled a meeting with your morning personality.

Bad:  The rest of the station dropped drastically.

Ugly:  Your morning man is Howard Stern.

Good:  You have a talk about the birds and the bees with your daughter.

Bad:  She keeps interrupting.

Ugly:  With corrections.

Good:  You are the Program Director of a Top 40 station and your ratings go up.

Bad:  The station manager hires a consultant.

Ugly:  The consultant’s name is Rusty Walker.

Good:  Your wife isn’t talking to you.

Bad:  She wants a divorce.

Ugly:  She’s an attorney.

Good:  The station manager agrees to add your record to test the “Pay For Play” theory.

Bad:  He wants a check for $10,000.

Ugly:  The Program Director wants $20,000 cash.

Good:  Your daughter gets a job at the White House.

Bad:  As an intern.

Ugly:  Working for the President.

Good:  You’re sent 200 cleans of a superstar’s latest release by mistake.

Bad:  You’re called into the label president’s office to watch a video.

Ugly:  It’s a police surveillance of you selling the CDs.

Good:  Your four best friends are your neighbors.

Bad:  They are all good with sharp objects.

Ugly:  Their houses are labeled “Cell Blocks 1-4.”

Good:  You’re having an affair with your midday jock.

Bad:  She gets drunk at the station Christmas party.

Ugly:  She goes to the ladies room with your wife.

Good:  Jesus Christ returns to earth.

Bad:  He wants you on the phone.

Ugly:  He’s calling from Salt Lake City.

Good:  Your morning personality is doing a bit on mother and daughter hookers.

Bad:  You recognize your wife’s voice.

Ugly:  And your daughter’s.

Good:  A beautiful blonde drags you into a closet at the station Christmas party.

Bad:  The blonde takes off her dress and exposes her penis.

Ugly:  It’s bigger than yours.

Good:  You’re programming a station in San Diego.

Bad:  The station is sold.

Ugly:  To Heftel.

Good:  Network 40.

Bad:  Gavin.

Ugly:  R&R.

Good:  To tighten up your station’s sound, you drop several records, including two of Atlantic’s.

Bad:  Andrea Ganis is on the phone.

Ugly:  It doesn’t get any uglier than that!