It wasn’t long ago when “I’ve got good news and bad news” jokes were the rage. In the true sense of the ‘90s, or possibly a retro back to the days of Clint Eastwood in Italy, we’ve now updated the phrase to good, bad and ugly.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room alone.
Bad: You find several pornographic videos hidden in his closet.
Ugly: You’re in them.
Good: You work for PolyGram.
Bad: Your company is purchased by Seagram.
Ugly: Doug Morris wants to meet with all the key executives and you’re not on the list.
Good: You and your husband agree to have no more children.
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter has them.
Good: The Program Director agrees to have dinner with you.
Bad: He makes the restaurant reservations.
Ugly: The restaurant is in Paris.
Good: Your son is finally maturing into a man.
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your record was added at a radio station.
Bad: The Program Director wants the act for a station promotion.
Ugly: The promotion is the opening of a 7-11.
Good: Your husband takes a sudden interest in fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better in a dress than you do.
Good: The Program Director agrees to spend a weekend with you in Las Vegas.
Bad: You lose all your money.
Ugly: The Program Director asks you for a loan.
Good: The postman is delivering your mail early.
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Good: Your morning ratings went through the roof on the day you scheduled a meeting with your morning personality.
Bad: The rest of the station dropped drastically.
Ugly: Your morning man is Howard Stern.
Good: You have a talk about the birds and the bees with your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: You are the Program Director of a Top 40 station and your ratings go up.
Bad: The station manager hires a consultant.
Ugly: The consultant’s name is Rusty Walker.
Good: Your wife isn’t talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She’s an attorney.
Good: The station manager agrees to add your record to test the “Pay For Play” theory.
Bad: He wants a check for $10,000.
Ugly: The Program Director wants $20,000 cash.
Good: Your daughter gets a job at the White House.
Bad: As an intern.
Ugly: Working for the President.
Good: You’re sent 200 cleans of a superstar’s latest release by mistake.
Bad: You’re called into the label president’s office to watch a video.
Ugly: It’s a police surveillance of you selling the CDs.
Good: Your four best friends are your neighbors.
Bad: They are all good with sharp objects.
Ugly: Their houses are labeled “Cell Blocks 1-4.”
Good: You’re having an affair with your midday jock.
Bad: She gets drunk at the station Christmas party.
Ugly: She goes to the ladies room with your wife.
Good: Jesus Christ returns to earth.
Bad: He wants you on the phone.
Ugly: He’s calling from Salt Lake City.
Good: Your morning personality is doing a bit on mother and daughter hookers.
Bad: You recognize your wife’s voice.
Ugly: And your daughter’s.
Good: A beautiful blonde drags you into a closet at the station Christmas party.
Bad: The blonde takes off her dress and exposes her penis.
Ugly: It’s bigger than yours.
Good: You’re programming a station in San Diego.
Bad: The station is sold.
Ugly: To Heftel.
Good: Network 40.
Good: To tighten up your station’s sound, you drop several records, including two of Atlantic’s.
Bad: Andrea Ganis is on the phone.
Ugly: It doesn’t get any uglier than that!