Author: gerry

12/6/1996

Here are some random thoughts I garnered over the Thanksgiving holidays:

It wasn’t long enough.  More people are talking about being burned out in our business than ever before.  I witnessed one record executive, his feet propped up on a couch on Thanksgiving  Day, talking about how he couldn’t wait until the Christmas vacation.

• · · ·

 

Was I the only one who thought stuffing the turkey and promoting records were one and the same thing?

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I was playing golf with my good friend Charlie Bennett, who is 78 and retired.  (Ask Bill Richards how good a golfer Charlie is!)  The course was crowded.  I was bitching.  (I know it sounds hard for those of you who are familiar with my calm demeanor to believe, but I was actually getting aggravated.)

Charlie said, “One good recession would cure these crowds out.”

I relate the above to the record business.  The last few months haven’t exactly been the healthiest in our blood sport.  However, it’s nothing one big hit wouldn’t cure.

• · · ·

 

Is it just me or is it really getting ugly out there?  I’ve never heard more people bitching about other people, their jobs and their lives in general.  It seems like we have to complain even when we’re satisfied.  I actually heard the following exchange:

“John just got a job at Dweebe Records.”

“Doing what?”

“That slug?  He couldn’t close a door, much less a record.  I’m better than him.  I wonder why they didn’t talk to me?”

“I thought you guys were friends?”

“John and I?  The best.”

“Oh.”

“How much is he making?”

“About one hundred thousand.”

“Jesus Christ!  That’s such bullshit! I work my ass off twice as hard as he will and I don’t make half that.  This is absolutely unfair.”

“Why don’t you quit?”

“Why would I quit?  I love my job.”

• · · ·

 

Am I the only one who is over this cigar thing?  Suddenly, everyone is smoking them and everyone is an expert.  With the possible exception of Todd Cavanah, five years ago most programmers thoughts a Macanudo was a strip club in Las Vegas.

• · · ·

 

If more programmers chewed tobacco and were careless where they spit, would music meetings with record promoters last nearly as long?

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I have the best job in the business.  I’m also the very best at what I do.  Of course, being the only person who does what I do makes doing it a lot more comfortable than other situations.  But don’t be fooled.  It isn’t easy being me.  (Who am I trying to kid?  I’m just looking for sympathy.  It’s a piece of cake!)

• · · ·

 

I’ve never heard more people with more opinions about what KIIS FM Los Angeles should do.  Everybody’s a programming genius.

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Why is the stock market setting new records and all of my radio stock is going down?

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Will everyone who ate too much please raise their hands?

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Will everyone who bitched too much please raise their hands?

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Will everyone who loved too much please raise their hands?

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If you counted all the minutes that you bitched about your job and your life this past weekend, then compared it to the amount of time you spent giving thanks for what you have, which would win?

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I am the best cook I know.  For that fact, each Thanksgiving, I give thanks to Lela Maye.

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How many people wished they were somewhere else this Thanksgiving?  How many people wished they were with some-one else?  How many people were with other people who were wishing they were with someone else?

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How many people reading this think their opinion is the only one that matters?

• · · ·

 

I heard something every interesting over the Thanksgiving holidays.  A friend of mine had a pad full of New Year’s resolutions.  He compiles them each Thanksgiving.  He chooses several, then gives them a “test run” through the Christmas holidays to see which ones (a) make a difference in his life, and (b) he has a snowballs’ chance in hell of not breaking.  Just before the New Year, he finds a couple and sticks with them.  It’s an interesting policy…one I’m giving a “test run” this year.  This way I won’t be so impulsive.

• · · ·

 

Why is our business so ugly?  Why can’t we be happy for every record that shows life?  For every promotion person who gets a better position?  For every radio station that trends up?  For every programmer who gets a better gig?  Why must we constantly criticize everyone and everything that happens in our business…as long as it isn’t happening to us?  Is it possible that others aren’t as bad as we think and we aren’t as good as we are?

Naah!

10/11/1996

The master of the manor managed a slight smile.  He even allowed himself to feel a small measure of pride as he gazed around the land claimed for decades by his heritage.  It had been five years since the battle that had brought down the evil King and chased the dragons from the land.  The master and others had managed to reclaim their heritage and define their futures as they saw fit.  The freedom was invigorating…creating an almost drug-like feeling of euphoria.

He called to his son and the two of them began a careful walk across the front of the property.  Everywhere there were signs of the great war.  Gaping holes in the earth gave proof to the powerful weapons of destruction that had been unleashed.  Acres and acres of parched earth were only now allowing the occasional blade of bright, green grass to point toward the sun.  The glistening white bones of those who gave their all were now gardens for flowers to grow.

The master patted his son on the head.  “Things have changed, haven’t they?”

As the boy looked at their father with clear, blue, innocent eyes, for one brief moment in time the older man allowed himself to believe that all was well…the wars were over…no one was trying to take their freedom away…that there was a Santa Clause…that Jupiter had aligned with Mars and peace would rule the planet…but those thoughts, (like the 5^th Dimension) were just golden memories.  History was just about to repeat itself.

As suddenly as the peaceful feeling descended, it was gone…replaced by a muffled thud and a great shaking of the ground.

“Earthquake, father?” the boy shouted over the roar that filled the air.

The older man fell to the grass with his son, shielding him from the certain destruction as best he could.

“No, son,” he answered, “it’s not a natural disaster.”

“What then?” the boy yelled.  “Is it Darth Vader?”

The father didn’t look up.  “Can’t be, there’s no phasing in the voice.”

“Jabba The Hut?”

The father snuck a peek.  “Although there are certain similarities, it isn’t him.”

“Joel Denver?”

“No, Joel turned his sword into a plowshare a long time ago and currently is farming within the system.”

“The Anti-Christ?”

The father looked again and what he saw turned his blood cold.  “Worse.  It’s Michael Ellis of The Monitor.”

(Cue the music…cut to the lasers…fade up on the title sequence.  “Trade Wars…The Continuing Struggle of Network 40 Against the Evils of the Dark Side…starring Gerry Cagle as Luke Sky Walker, the staff of Network 40 as the heroes of our world…programmers and music directors appear as the decent, honest people who try to fend off those who would feed of their hard work…Michael Ellis and The Monitor as the Emperor and the Forces of Evil.  The part of Chewbacca is played by Wookie.”)

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, the mechanical shark is back, feasting on garbage, small children, scantily clad women and a fishing boat…diesel motors and all.

Will the forces of good and evil overcome The Dark Side?  Will Kilgo be allowed another cold beer?  Will Kristen live to appear in another Network 40 picture?  Will the world be saved?

Long ago, (okay, five or so years) in a land far, far way (okay, just over the Hollywood hills) when I began the great debate by describing R&R’s dictatorial process of assigning radio stations to a specific format based on their own confusing formula as “Satanic,” I never thought there would come a day when that stance would be surpassed by something more ridiculous.

Boy, was I wrong.

Michael Ellis looks at what history did to R&R, watches what a conceited, belligerant, holier-than-thou attitude can do and manages to get on that pig and let it rear its ugly head five years later. The Emperor has now decided that he, and he alone, will determine the format of a particular radio station. Maybe Michael and the editor of Hitz should get together and form a consulting company.

The alarming part about this decision is it doesn’t give a programmer a choice.  If R&R (or any other trade) put a station in a format the PD didn’t agree with, the PD can withhold the playlist.  The Monitor doesn’t ask stations to report.  The Monitor gets station reports through BDS.  As a PD, you have a choice.  Of course, you could refuse to talk to Michael, but when was the last time he called a programmer for input?

Would you like to know what kind of station The Monitor says you’re programming?  “A To 40/Mainstream station plays a wide variety of current music.  The most-played song on the station must be played at least 40 times per week.  Among the station’s 40 most-played songs are Rock songs and Songs from at least one of the following genres: R&B, Dance, Pop, uptempo Pop and Pop ballads.”  A Top 40/Rhythm-Crossover station “…plays a variety of current music, but no Rock.”

I guess that means KZFM, KLUC and KSFM aren’t considered Crossover stations by The Monitor since they (just to name a few) are playing Alanis Morissette.

In addition to these definitions, Michael will exclude you from reporting if you don’t meet minimum cume requirements.  (That’s comforting.  We all know how accurate those Arbitron figures are.) Also, “…some stations that would normally qualify may not be used as reporters.”

And the snake ate the baby.

Why do I care?  I rant when trade magazines…publications that exist because of radio…have people with limited programming experience dictating policies or opinions that affect those who do.  The Monitor has decided what is right for radio.

The Monitor is wrong.

Today’s radio is too nonspecific.  One can’t throw a blanket over a group and declare them the same.  Besides, no sooner does Michael create his own absolutes than exceptions have to be granted in Crossover…or the panel greatly reduced.

I humbly suggest that Michael go back to the drawing board and call Domino’s for a large pizza.

This time, get extra cheese.

11/15/1996

“Who’s on first?”

“I don’t know.”

“He’s on second.”

“Who?”

“Who’s on first?”

“I don’t know.”

“He’s on second.”

“What?”

“Third base.”

It’s enough to drive even Abbott and Costello crazy.  Not their famous “Who’s On First” routine, made even more famous in the movie, Rainman, but who owns what radio stations and where will it all end.

It’s easier to count cards in Las Vegas.

Just in case you are interested, as of today (of course, by the time you read this column, it’s almost certain there will be more ownership changes) the total by ownership is as follows:

1. American Radio Systems (93)
2. Clear Channel (93)
3. Jacor (92)
4. SFX (82)
5. CBS (79)
6. Chancellor (53)
7. Evergreen (42)
8. Cox (41)
9. Gulfstar (41)
10. Paxson (40)

 

Those are definitely…definitely a lot of stations.  Of course, there are those who would attempt to point out that in many cases, the quantity of some acquisitions has affected the quality.  Some would say it’s K-Mart shopping at best.

With the absence of any real restrictions from the FCC, radio stations have become an entity to be bought, sold and traded like commodities of the market.  In most instances, the price for individual stations is so off the charts as to make even the bulls on Wall Street cringe.  If Mr. and Mrs. Smith were going to purchase a radio station and run it the rest of their lives, they couldn’t do it.  The dollars don’t make sense.  However, the worth of the station makes the sale dollars reasonable for the big companies.

Does that make sense?  Let me explain it to you in another way.  Remember when the Hunt brothers decided to capture the silver market back in the 1980s?  Silver had been bought and sold for about the same price for years.  The flux was negligible.  That’s how it is on Wall Street.  Too often, it isn’t what a company is worth that strikes the price, it’s what someone else wants to pay for it.  With the Hunt brothers buying and hoarding silver, the price suddenly went through the roof.  Why?  Because there wasn’t enough supply for the demand.

It’s the same with radio stations today.  There are a finite number of radio stations available in the United States.  It’s not like the furniture business, where you can just put up another store on the corner when you want.  Licenses are restricted.  There are only so many radio stations.  If you want to buy one, in 999 out of 1,000 instances, you have to find an existing license and purchase it from the owner.

Since the FCC hasn’t the ways and means to restrict the number of stations a particular entity owns, what keeps one company from buying every station in the country?  The Department of Justice.  And lately, the DOJ has been raising more than one eyebrow when glancing at the alarming number of stations controlled by one company.

Most of the stations being purchased are done so for one reason—so they can be polished, shined and sold again.  But let’s consider the possibilities should one of these companies make a decision to make a major impact on the business as a whole.

In the 1970s, the RKO chain ruled music radio.  The company owned the #1 station in most major markets.  For a record to make it into the top 10, the RKO chain had to add it.  That was pretty strong medicine from a company that owned 12 radio stations.  Twelve stations won’t even rank a company in the top 50 today.

But think about the possibility of one chain…let’s say, Jacor…deciding that every station in their chain would be programmed Top 40.  Impossible?  Not at all.  Think about the advantages of a chain of 92 radio stations programmed almost identically with chain adds and promotions. This could revolutionize the way our entire business is done.  If the RKO Group could be the 800-lb. gorilla with just 12 stations, think what this chain of 92 stations could do.  The possibilities are endless.

First of all, the promotion budget could be taken right off the ledger.  The promotions from record companies would be unbelievable.  The chain would own every Mainstream concert.  Forget owning them; the chain could go into the concert business.  Would producing their own records be far behind?

And what if, say, CBS, then decided that all of their stations should be Alternative? ARS might choose Crossover, Clear Channel Rock and Chancellor Country.  A music format could be dominated overnight and the commercial possibilities would be immense.

Since radio companies are looking into audience domination to ensure profits in individual markets, is it too great a leap to believe that these same companies might look into format similarities to up a market share?

Companies are looking to “own” a perception to make the quantum leap.  Kleenex for tissue paper, Xerox for copiers…you get the drift.  Would Jacor for Top 40 not be in the same mode and bring about the same profit shares?

You say it could never happen?  Ten years ago, one company owning 92 radio stations wasn’t a possibility either. That’s why the DOJ is interested.

If this does become a reality, three things would be certain:  Ed Stolz would still own one radio station, Bill Skull would be the happiest man in Maui and K-Mart would still suck!

11/8/1996

I’ve been sitting at my desk all morning…on point behind the keyboard waiting for that cathartic moment when the breakthrough will occur…trying to build up the false pressure to make me energetic and crazed enough to follow another impossible quest to the end…and it ain’t working.

One thing I’ve learned during this past vacation period is that we all need more vacations.  Now there’s a startling, revolutionary thought.  It’s really not more vacation time we need as much as quality vacation time.  All too often we spend our vacation concentrating on work.  What a waste…of both vacation time and work.  Neither is satisfactory unless each is separated from the other.

There is no doubt that our business…whether radio or records…is one of the most stressful in the world.  Part of what makes our job so stressful is the inability of individuals to relax.  We can’t (don’t) relax while we’re doing our jobs…we certainly can’t (don’t) totally relax while we’re vacationing.  Too many bad things can happen.

I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating.  The individuals in record and radio are too quick to criticize those who show even modest success.  Why can’t we be happy when others succeed?  It just isn’t in the cards.  It seems that everyone who gets a promotion higher than the position they held did so only because they (a) were lucky, (b) know somebody, (c) fit the political profile or (d) were fucking the boss.  It can’t be qualification, because we know we are the best qualified.

So, jobs based on paranoia breed vacations steeped in the same.  We can’t relax because (a) our MD, who we left in charge, is probably brown-nosing the boss and is stabbing us in the back; (b) our regional promotion person, who we left in charge, is probably brown-nosing the boss and is stabbing us in the back; (c) the trends might go up while we’re away, (d) our priority might get more adds when we’re away; (e) the station can’t run without us (if it does, we might not be needed); (f) the field staff can’t be effective without us (if they  can, we might not be needed); (g) the station may be sold; (h) the company might be sold; and (i) if we do enjoy ourselves, we may begin questioning what we do for a living  and we’re  certainly not qualified to do anything else.

At Network 40, you can’t call in from vacation.  We don’t allow it because (a) it reminds the rest of us that you’re on vacation and only serves to piss us off further; (b) nothing will happen in a week that can’t be fixed or put off until your return; (c) it’s harder to talk shit about someone if they’re constantly calling in; and (d) we really don’t like you outside the office, so why must we talk with you on the phone?

With all, some and none of these thoughts on my mind, I boarded the plane to Maui for a two-week vacation with a heavy heart.  What was there to be happy about?  I was leaving Los Angeles right in the middle of the fires to head for a tropical paradise where the closest thing to an argument would revolve around whose turn it was to fix the chi-chi’s, I could soak my toes in the Pacific Ocean, watch the most beautiful sunsets in the world, dance the hula with beautiful natives, surf, swim and tan without worrying about how many stations reported or who’s zooming who.

It was truly a sad moment.

While there, I introspected on a lot of things about life in general and life in the record and radio business in particular.  Hawaii is a state of mind.  Having nothing to do and no agenda gives you plenty of time to think—something we do too little of in our business.  We spend most of our time reacting instead of acting.

Out of thoughts sometimes come solutions…or other thoughts that stimulate further thinking.  Anyhow, I came up with a few that might be useful in dealing with the jugglers, clowns, dealers and deals in our business.  I may have stolen these from other wise people or books on the island, but I can’t recall any other wise ones with whom I came in contact.  Well, there was that dream when King Kamehameha spoke with me about ruling the islands, but that’s another Editorial.

Ego problems are endemic in every walk of life, but in radio and records, egomaniacs are megalomaniacs.  We should all struggle to remember from whence we came and where we may be going, then act accordingly.  The job is often more important to our peers than who is holding it.  Don’t confuse what you do with who you are.  It is a fact (and an old Blood, Sweat And Tears song) that what goes up, must come down.

I find it incredible when someone gives me bad news and then tells me not to take it personally.  How am I supposed to take it?  As a group?

Many times, working in radio and records is like riding psychotic house into a burning barn.

Real power is the ability to get things done.

What we seek most often is control, but to access all of our abilities takes complete relaxation…which is the absence of control.  The sad truth about control is that there is none.  As hard as we try, we can’t control anything…much less everything.  We should attempt to teach others how to get things done…and thereby be able to exert our influence…if not our control.

Patience is a virtue in our business.  To have it gives a measure of control.  An old Hindu proverb states:  If you sit by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.

Most people in our business are afraid of confrontation and avoid it, leaving those who are not afraid a path to the head of the class. Confrontation doesn’t equal intelligence of leadership, but it is a trait we all should learn to master.  Don’t be afraid of confrontation, but don’t be a psycho and seek it out.

The most powerful position is often achieved by having the ability to walk away.

Sorry if I bored you.  These are just some of the thoughts that occupied my mind in Maui when I wasn’t concentrating on my main objective…

When can I go again?

10/25/1996

Welcome to my nightmare…I think you’re gonna like it…I think you’re gona find you belong…

(If you want to be mad as hell, skip to the last line of this Editorial.  The rest is just filler to get me there!)

That is the theme…however weak…of this week’s magazine:  The Armageddon Issue.  Wouldn’t it be funny if the world really did end with the publication of this week’s Network 40? Okay, funny might not be the appropriate word, but you get my drift.

We initially asked a bunch of radio executives what song they’d like to be listening to when the world ended.  Programmers showed a broad dichotomy.  You can see their responses range from A to Z with no particular format or pattern discernable.  It didn’t work with promotion people.  Are any of us surprised that they would choose records they are currently working?  Of course, we know that’s bullshit.  If the world was truly ending…and they absolutely, positively knew it…their choices would be a lot different. But being promotion people in volatile positions with hair-trigger presidents watching for slipups and virulent managers waiting to jump on the phone for the most obscure reason, they opt for the easy way out.

If the world really did end, how many promotion people would be ecstatic?  Half? One-quarter?  It’s probably even money that the ones working weak records would welcome the opportunity to start a new project with the Big Guy in the sky.  But what about those with the hits?  Would they be making deals with the devil for “…just one more week?”

It would almost be worth having the world end this week to witness the action.  Can’t you just picture Charlie Walk working the Devil?

“Come on, Red, you can’t take me out now.  I’ve got Barbra Streisand getting top requests at WPLJ.  We’re going for adds next week.”

The Devil would lean back in his chair and light a big cigar.  “Charlie, it’s toast.”

“Don’t tell me it’s over, man.  It’s not over until I say it’s over.  I need one more week.  Give me a week and I promise I’ll make it up to you.  How about front row seats to the Journey tour?”

The Devil would shake his head and maybe scratch the horns that stick out between the pointed ears.  “I already got tickets.  Irving Azoff gets me everything I need from the record business.  He owes me from way back.  Besides, Charlie, you don’t’ have anything to bargain with.  You already promised me your soul last year for Sophie B. Hawkins.”

And Charlie Walk wouldn’t be the only one.  Programmers wouldn’t be immune.  Michael Martin would be begging as well. 

“Devilman, you’ve got to give me one more trend, man.  I’m right on KMEL’s tail, no offense, and I know I can beat them in the next book.”

The Devil would turn his back.  “Michelle promised to play me the new E40 mixes if I end it now.”

And then you have some who would put it into perspective.  Andrea Ganis would probably be the most calm.

“I don’t know why I’m talking to you, Devil, You’ve got no weight.”

“No weight,” The Devil would retort, “but a lot of heat.”

“I’m glad it’s ending,” Andrea would sigh, “even if it means I won’t get my picture in Network 40 again when I’m most added for Seal.  By the way, have you seen Danny Buch?’

“He’s downstairs being fitted for a red suit.”

Andrea would gasp.  “Danny’s going to hell?”

“Just as a loaner.  A lot of programmers believe hell would be spending a week locked up in a room with just Danny…and we certainly want to accommodate them.”

“So it’s really over?”  Andrea would ask.

“Afraid so,” The Devil would say.

“At least the Yankees won’t lose the Series to the Braves.”

“You know, I’m a Yankee fan,” the Devil would share.

“Of course,” Andrea would answer, “that goes without saying.  Besides, you have to know that my father took me to see ‘Damn Yankees’ when I was a kid.”

“Steinbrenner talked to God yesterday,” the Devil would say.  “The Big Guy­­—that’s God I’m talking about—told George He would end it all to keep the Yankees from losing the World Series.  Of course, George agreed to go to hell in the process.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but it really didn’t matter.  I already had him for the Danny Tartabull deal.”

Through it all, Charlie Minor would be floating back and forth on a cloud shaped like a Rolls Royce.

“Hey, buddies,” Charlie would be calling, “y’all come on up.  The stations up here add everything.  And there’s no BDS.”

Andrea would turn to the Devil with a surprised look on her face.  “Charlie’s up there?”

The devil would shrug.  “I had him for a while, but you know Charlie.  He talked his way right up to the front row.”

No matter what the scene, come Judgment Day, I don’t want to be in line behind anyone in our business.  Can you imagine how long it would take if they separated us into groups depending on who we were on earth?  Just standing in that promotion line would take an eternity.

Guys would be cutting deals.  Of course, we would all have to make deals with the Devil just to get in the “good” line.  I’m telling you, there would be a lot of bitching when the movers and shakers of our world found out they didn’t have an “all access” pass.

Think about it. AIR would be busy, trying out excuses on angels to see if they would fly past the Big Guy.  McClusky would be representing a bunch of programmers to see if he could bring them all in as a group.

And those of us in Maui wouldn’t be affected because we are already in paradise…where I am as you read this.

Aloha.