The last thing I wanted to write about this week is Bill Clinton. I was determined to write about some jagged edge that was cutting through the entertainment business, but alas, the biggest story in radio and records is the President and the intern. Plus, everyone I ran into this past week said they couldnâ€™t wait for my Editorial on the subject in Network 40.
I was doomed before I started.
Itâ€™s on the front page of every paper. Newscasts lead with it. People in supermarket lines are spouting their opinions on the subject. I went to my dentist and he played a record he had just produced called, â€œOh Bill, Oh Monica.â€Â (Thatâ€™s right…my dentist.Â Donâ€™t you just love L.A?)
I have no choice but to chime in with my two cents worth.
What does this have to do with our business? Itâ€™s about life…actually, lifestyle. And if this isnâ€™t Mainstream lifestyle, I donâ€™t know what is. Any radio station that isnâ€™t doing promotions about Bill and Monica are way behind the curve. 15th caller for stained blue dresses.Â Forget about Cuban cigars. What about Monicans? The Monica Lewinsky look-alike contest is a natural. Oval office kneepads and condoms? The beat goes on.
The release of the Starr Report changed my opinion, but not the way you think. I always believed Clinton was a liar. Who among us didnâ€™t? But I was wrong. The Starr Report made me believe he was telling the truth…as strange as the may seem. Most say the report confirms Clinton as a liar. Consider the facts. During the campaign, Bill Clinton was asked if he ever smoked marijuana. He said he had smoked a joint, but didnâ€™t inhale. Was there one person who believed that answer? Now I believe him. The Starr Report quotes Monica as saying she performed oral sex on the President…but he didnâ€™t ejaculate. This confirms two things: Bill was telling the truth about not inhaling and heâ€™s probably the sickest puppy among us.
What is the weird logic behind this act? If he didnâ€™t come, it didnâ€™t really happen? Thatâ€™s like dropping bombs without warheads. They crash through buildings, but they wonâ€™t explode. Whatâ€™s the point?
I give up, Bill. You wouldnâ€™t ejaculate, yet you â€œpenetrated her vaginaâ€ with a cigar. Did you really think Hillary would buy, â€œHoney, I didnâ€™t come in her mouth, I just used a cigar dildo. Thatâ€™s okay, isnâ€™t it?â€
I could pontificate for pages about whether or not Clintonâ€™s actions are impeachable. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that isnâ€™t the point. The founders of our country provided an opportunity for impeachment if the President comments acts of high crimes and misdemeanors.
How about being stupid?Â Shouldnâ€™t that be first on the list?
Not only did Bill have sex with Monica, but he wrote her letters, gave her gifts and engaged in phone sex with her. Itâ€™s insane. â€œYo, baby, what are you wearing?Â Oh, sorry Yeltsin, I thought you were someone else.â€
Clinton is a twisted, perverted dog. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I donâ€™t think itâ€™s asking too much to expect a little more from the leader of our country. People say that many of us have done the same and worse. True, but we didnâ€™t run for office. Clinton could be the most twisted person in the country…right behind Monica Lewinsky.
Many called for Clinton to apologize to Monica and her family. Hey, what about an apology from Monica? This ultimate groupie has brought down the President of our country with it. She admitted that her initial â€œflirtingâ€ with Clinton included her showing him her thong underwear. What happened to a wink and a smile? Why not just sell tickets and start the strip show? This sleaze should have her own stage at the Mitchell Brothers.
This bar-fly not only allows her â€œloverâ€ to use her most private part as an ash tray, but then shares this intimacy with a grand jury of total strangers. Whatâ€™s up with that?
And now sheâ€™s been offered $2 million to pose for Penthouse. Theyâ€™ll have to come up with a new centerfold. Itâ€™ll be called the â€œDouble Wide.â€
Congress is now calling for Clinton to resign or be ready for impeachment. But Bill wonâ€™t go softly into that good night. White House aides are already digging up dirt on all those who will throw the first stones. Iâ€™m sure in the very near future weâ€™ll be reading about who likes to dress up in latex, get tied to a wheel, greased like a pig and whipped into a frenzy. And donâ€™t be surprised if Ken Starr is first on the list. Do you really believe nobody in his past has ever told him to squeal like a pig?
Starr has done something thousands of companies have been unable to accomplish. Heâ€™s gotten more people on the Internet than all efforts up to this point combined.
But at what cost?
Washington D.C. At least we now know what the D.C. stands for: â€œDisappearing Cigarâ€ or â€œDidnâ€™t Come.â€
I could have reduced this Editorial to the two letters that best describe Bill and Monica.
But then you would have nothing to read when you were having one.