Month: July 2012

B. M.

9/18/1998

The last thing I wanted to write about this week is Bill Clinton. I was determined to write about some jagged edge that was cutting through the entertainment business, but alas, the biggest story in radio and records is the President and the intern. Plus, everyone I ran into this past week said they couldn’t wait for my Editorial on the subject in Network 40.

I was doomed before I started.

It’s on the front page of every paper. Newscasts lead with it. People in supermarket lines are spouting their opinions on the subject. I went to my dentist and he played a record he had just produced called, “Oh Bill, Oh Monica.”  (That’s right…my dentist.  Don’t you just love L.A?)

I have no choice but to chime in with my two cents worth.

What does this have to do with our business? It’s about life…actually, lifestyle. And if this isn’t Mainstream lifestyle, I don’t know what is. Any radio station that isn’t doing promotions about Bill and Monica are way behind the curve. 15th caller for stained blue dresses.  Forget about Cuban cigars. What about Monicans? The Monica Lewinsky look-alike contest is a natural. Oval office kneepads and condoms? The beat goes on.

The release of the Starr Report changed my opinion, but not the way you think. I always believed Clinton was a liar. Who among us didn’t? But I was wrong. The Starr Report made me believe he was telling the truth…as strange as the may seem. Most say the report confirms Clinton as a liar. Consider the facts. During the campaign, Bill Clinton was asked if he ever smoked marijuana. He said he had smoked a joint, but didn’t inhale. Was there one person who believed that answer? Now I believe him. The Starr Report quotes Monica as saying she performed oral sex on the President…but he didn’t ejaculate. This confirms two things: Bill was telling the truth about not inhaling and he’s probably the sickest puppy among us.

What is the weird logic behind this act? If he didn’t come, it didn’t really happen? That’s like dropping bombs without warheads. They crash through buildings, but they won’t explode. What’s the point?

I give up, Bill. You wouldn’t ejaculate, yet you “penetrated her vagina” with a cigar. Did you really think Hillary would buy, “Honey, I didn’t come in her mouth, I just used a cigar dildo. That’s okay, isn’t it?”

I could pontificate for pages about whether or not Clinton’s actions are impeachable. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that isn’t the point. The founders of our country provided an opportunity for impeachment if the President comments acts of high crimes and misdemeanors.
How about being stupid?  Shouldn’t that be first on the list?

Not only did Bill have sex with Monica, but he wrote her letters, gave her gifts and engaged in phone sex with her. It’s insane. “Yo, baby, what are you wearing?  Oh, sorry Yeltsin, I thought you were someone else.”

Clinton is a twisted, perverted dog. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I don’t think it’s asking too much to expect a little more from the leader of our country. People say that many of us have done the same and worse. True, but we didn’t run for office. Clinton could be the most twisted person in the country…right behind Monica Lewinsky.

Many called for Clinton to apologize to Monica and her family. Hey, what about an apology from Monica? This ultimate groupie has brought down the President of our country with it. She admitted that her initial “flirting” with Clinton included her showing him her thong underwear. What happened to a wink and a smile? Why not just sell tickets and start the strip show? This sleaze should have her own stage at the Mitchell Brothers.

This bar-fly not only allows her “lover” to use her most private part as an ash tray, but then shares this intimacy with a grand jury of total strangers. What’s up with that?

And now she’s been offered $2 million to pose for Penthouse. They’ll have to come up with a new centerfold. It’ll be called the “Double Wide.”

Congress is now calling for Clinton to resign or be ready for impeachment. But Bill won’t go softly into that good night. White House aides are already digging up dirt on all those who will throw the first stones. I’m sure in the very near future we’ll be reading about who likes to dress up in latex, get tied to a wheel, greased like a pig and whipped into a frenzy. And don’t be surprised if Ken Starr is first on the list. Do you really believe nobody in his past has ever told him to squeal like a pig?

Starr has done something thousands of companies have been unable to accomplish. He’s gotten more people on the Internet than all efforts up to this point combined.

But at what cost?

Washington D.C. At least we now know what the D.C. stands for: “Disappearing Cigar” or “Didn’t Come.”

I could have reduced this Editorial to the two letters that best describe Bill and Monica.

B.M.

But then you would have nothing to read when you were having one.

What I’ve Learned

Sept. 17th, 1999

There was a time when I was the youngest programmer in the business.  All of my peers were older.  I was the boy wonder.  Time has a way of changing things…particularly boy wonders. Now I’m wiser, though I feel no older.  The passage of time brings with it experiences that can be passed along to those who are younger in age…though not necessarily in spirit.

It is in the spirit that I take this moment to share a few things I’ve learned about life and the record and radio industry that shape our lives.

I’ve learned that no matter what kind of spin you put on the phrase, “it looks good for next week,” this statement invariably means your record doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of being added.

I’ve learned that no matter what you do for a programmer in advance, when it comes time for the payback, the same PD is either sick, on vacation or the list is frozen that week.

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you, no matter how hard you try.  All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, how much time I spend trying to develop a relationship, no matter how nice I am, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that describing a new group as a cross between Pearl Jam and The Backstreet Boys with the energy of Sugar Ray invariably means the record is a stiff.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm and personality for about 15 minutes.  After that, you need a big unit or huge boobs.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust and a minute of suspicion to destroy it.

I’ve learned that no GM will fire a PD because of an Arbitron rating…unless it’s a bad one.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others.  They’re usually more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that laughing at yourself is much healthier than making fun of others.

I’ve learned that no matter how many times others claim it won’t matter, loaning or borrowing money is the quickest way to end a friendship.

I’ve learned that you can throw away your answering machine when you lose your job.  You won’t be getting any calls.

I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

I’ve learned that those in our business with the biggest egos have the smallest dicks.

I’ve learned that good looking promotion people usually get more adds.

I’ve learned that there aren’t any good looking programmers…at least not since I got out of radio.

I’ve learned, unfortunately, that in the music business, money is a great substitute for character.

I’ve learned that finally, qualified women are gaining their due in our industry and when in positions of power, they’re usually better than men.

I’ve learned that if you can forgive temporary weight gain due to water retention and the emotional roller coaster that is usually present at the same time, your love life will be much better.

I’ve learned that worrying is the biggest waste of time.

I’ve learned that believing compliments about my “sterling” Editorials is like a dee jay believing all request line callers are 19, single, beautiful and available.

I’ve learned that no matter how much they protest otherwise, men lie.

I’ve also learned that no mater how much they protest otherwise, women manipulate.

I’ve learned that no mater what they say coming in, consultants will eventually bury you.

I’ve learned that if it’s bad, say it.  If it’s good, put it in writing.

I’ve learned that the secret to success is controlling your ego.

I’ve learned that if you think you have more than five good friends, you’re kidding yourself.

I’ve learned that a promotion person is your close, personal friend and will do anything for you…as long as you keep your gig.

I’ve learned that honesty in our business is more elusive than a hit record.

I’ve learned that PDs with good ears are the ones who win consistently.

I’ve learned that research is better used as an excuse for not adding a record than as a tool for successful programming.

I’ve learned that programmers who are constantly complimented invariably believe the bullshit.

I’ve learned that having dysfunctional friends can make us feel better about ourselves.

I’ve learned that it’s all about marketing…until Tuesday.

Most of all, I’ve learned that it can be the next phase, new wave, dance craze, anyways, it’s still rock “n” roll to me.