Tag: radio programming

3/7/1997

The howls should have been the giveaway.  Aren’t they always?  For you people who didn’t grow up in the South, who didn’t develop that special affinity with nature…who never laid down with the dogs on the front porch…who weren’t held close to your mother’s breast when the hounds began to bay late at night…I guess you don’t really understand.  Try to fake it.

The hounds began baying last week.  I should have seen the early warning.  But those parasitic creatures that prey on the toil and work of the truly talented are not as dumb as they look.  Although it’s pretty tough to look any dumber than Howard Lander, Sean Ross, Kevin Carter and Theda Sandiford-Waller.

These four “geniuses” are in charge of defining and implementing Billboard Monitor’s charts.  In their infinite wisdom, the Gang of Four changed the formats of six major stations.

Did you know that Hot 97 New York, KMEL San Francisco, KBXX Houston, 92Q Baltimore, WJMH Greensboro and WPGC Washington, D.C. changed formats last week?  According to the Monitor, these stations are now Urban and information from these stations will be processed only on the Urban charts in the Monitor.  Once again, a trade magazine is making decisions better left to programmers.

Remember when R&R tried to dictate their policies on the industry?  The backlash was so great that R&R still hasn’t recovered and probably never will.

Well, guess what happened to the Monitor on the way to the bank?  Those in charge have decided to dictate their beliefs to the rest of the industry.

If R&R was way out of line, the Monitor has obliterated it…because their plot is much more insidious.

First of all, how the Gang of Four decided to change the formats of these radio stations makes communist China look like an open society. Without releasing any criteria…without asking for information from the radio stations involved…without seeking input from the programmers…or any programmers…without seeking counsel from anyone in the record business, the Gang of Four made a decision that could affect the success of these stations and the livelihood of those working there.

Why?  It’s simple.  The Monitor and the Gang of Four don’t care about radio.  They don’t care about the record industry.  They only care about themselves. Why else would they make a decision in secret…a decision that drastically changes the flavor of the Monitor Crossover Chart…without asking for input from anyone else?

Here is the scary part:  The “chosen” stations can’t do a thing about it.  You see, the Monitor doesn’t ask radio for input or information.  The Monitor just takes it.  Since the Monitor uses BDS, radio has no recourse when the Monitor dictates any changes.

At Network 40, we never dictate to the industry.  As I have said many times before, we reflect the opinions and views of those in our industry.  We let radio stations tell us their format…it’s never the other way around.

But, let’s suppose a station reports to Network 40 and we don’t believe the playlist supports the station’s format definition.  We simply inform the program director that we won’t include the station in formulating reports for that format.

The Monitor doesn’t give a station that luxury.  The Monitor decides what the station is and publishes that result.  This will cost the station valuable time, defending its position to advertisers and other interested parties.  It could cost valuable advertising dollars. 

It will also cost the record industry.  Quite simply, the Monitor’s Crossover Chart won’t be reflective of Crossover radio in general.  It will extremely limit an Urban record’s ability to cross over to the Mainstream.  The outlet for Urban records now becomes smaller because of the Monitor’s shortsighted, selfish, stupid decision.

Who wanted this change?  Who asked for it?  Who was not satisfied with the panel?

Does anyone in our business define Steve Smith, Jay Stevens or the rest of the “chosen” programmers as Urban PDs?  Only the Gang of Four.  As Michelle Santosuosso and Joey Arbagey said, “We’re about music…not definitions.”  That’s fine, except the Monitor has chosen to define you.

What gives them that right?  Unlike the staff at Network 40, these geniuses have no radio or record experience.  Oh, please forgive me.  Howard and Theda probably know how to turn a radio on.  Probably to a Talk station.  And I forgot.  Once upon a time, Kevin was actually on the air in Fresno.  And Sean did know how to work Selector. 

So I guess these people are qualified to make ignorant decisions.  The only one truly “qualified” would be Sean.  He worked at Billboard where he got a lot of experience in reasoning accurately to inaccurate conclusions.

There’s reason it’s windy in New York.  The Monitor blows.

What can the industry do?  Talk is cheap…and the Gang of Four won’t listen.  Two major record companies have cancelled advertising with more to follow.  Programmers can refuse to use or quote the Monitor charts.

The Monitor’s decision leaves Network 40 with the only Crossover panel…a panel decided by the radio stations and recognized by the entire industry.  No other publication offers computer-generated plays faxed from music scheduling software.  We’ll accept the responsibility…and act responsible.

What should we do to the Gang of Four?  I say, sic the hounds on ’em.

2/28/1997

It is a strange group that hangs at The Palm in Los Angeles every Sunday night.  It started as just a dinner several years ago, but has grown to almost mythical proportions since then.  It’s still just a dinner, but food serves more as a backdrop for the chatter that surrounds it.  You see, these “gatherings” now serve a much higher purpose.  We join together to dissect, discuss and define the radio and record business as we perceive it during any given week.

Okay, so you see through my subterfuge?  We hang out to bitch and complain…and most of all, to criticize those who aren’t at the round table!

Last week it was particularly invigorating.  Usually, one or two stories run through the table that everyone finds amusing.  Or at least everyone pretends to laugh.  There is a lot of pretending done.  Let’s face it…this dinner takes place in Hollywood.  But last Sunday night, following in the footsteps of Star Wars, there were three stories that all felt worthy of sharing…call it Network 40’s Trilogy, if you will.

Anyhow, the stories are much too long for Page 6, but I thought they would be of interest here.  I could be wrong.  You decide.

The first one, entitled “Car Wars,” is pure power Hollywood.  The head of a record company had to visit a movie studio for a high-level meeting.  The studio has two parking lots:  Lot A is close to the offices; Lot B is perhaps 50 yards further away.  The record executive’s assistant was told by the movie public relations person that parking would be provided in Lot B.  The assistant, knowing the parking layout, questioned the procedure.

“Why can’t she park in Lot A?” she asked.

“We’re doing something with the Vice President that day and he’s using Lot A,” answered the PR person.

“Well,” said the assistant with hesitation, “I’m going to have to pull rank on you.  You’re talking about a vice president and I’m talking about a CEO.  She should park in Lot A.”

The PR person replied, “I’m not talking about a vice president, I’m talking about the Vice President.”

Needless to say, Vice President Al Gore got the preferred parking!

The second, “The Internet Strikes Back,” involves a certain regional promotion person from the South.  We shouldn’t mention either the promotion person’s name nor identify the record company, but the initials are in the following:  DMAWC.  You figure it out.

Anyhow, this extremely intelligent individual who works so hard that he has no time for anything else was (shock) cruising the Internet not long ago.  Of course this guy was only searching for ways to improve his promotional skills.

Somehow, totally unknown to him, he was switched from “Sale Techniques” to “Sex.”  Imagine that.  Soon, our fine, upstanding friend found a website called “Sexygirls.com.”  This website boasted uncensored, hardcore pornography at, get this, absolutely no cost.

Free porn on the Internet?  Our hero was intrigued.  He logged on.  The site informed him that to see “Nekkit Women,” his machine had to be reconfigured and suggested he click on a particular icon.  Our hero complied and sure enough, he was soon looking at uncensored, hardcore porn.

For educational purposes only.

As a good promotion person, he quickly called his boss to share his good fortune.  This was better than an add!  The boss had the company computer expert check out the site.  It seems that when you click on the icon, the website automatically disconnects you from the Internet and reconnects you through a 900 number that charges $3 a minute!

Our humble hero got the bill yesterday.  $960.  He says he fell asleep.

Sure.

The third in the trilogy, “Return of the Bad Guy,” involves me.

I had been getting calls and letters from a guy named Bobby Ocean.  Now, the real Bobby Ocean is an old and dear friend of mine, someone I’ve known for years.  We worked together in several different markets and he’s one of my favorite people.

I hadn’t talked with Bobby in a long time and when my assistant told me he was on the phone, I picked it up excitedly.

My excitement immediately turned to boredom as I listened to a dweeb who called himself “Bobby Ocean” tell me all about his limited career and even-more-limited success.  He then proceeded to rail on me about giving him a job.  I got off the phone as quickly as I could.

Well, this guy was relentless.  He sent packages.  He sent emails.  He sent gifts.  He was sending me around the bend.

My assistant buzzed me last week and told me Bobby Ocean was on the phone.  I made my assistant get back on the phone and make sure it was the “real” Bobby Ocean from San Francisco.  Assured, she put the call through.

I picked up the receiver and said, “Ocean, I’m sorry to put you through all this hassle, but there’s this loser who’s using your name, who’s been bugging the hell out of me.  He keeps sending me stuff and calling constantly.  I can’t get away from him.  That’s why I had to make sure it was you and not the jerk.”

There was a slight pause, then the voice said, “Gerry I am that jerk.”

For one of the few times in my life, I was speechless.  When I could finally talk, I said, “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

I could continue this editorial, but I feel some jerks are reading it.

So, I have to go.

Now, aren’t you glad you aren’t at The Palm on Sunday?

2/21/1997

What are you giving up for Lent?”

It was a strange question.  One I hadn’t heard since my childhood.  Stranger still was from whence it came.

Her name was Lola…she was a dancer.

Okay.  Her name wasn’t Lola.  And although she worked at an exotic dance club called the Pink Pussycat, she insisted that she wasn’t a dancer.  In her own description, she was a teller of tales…a spinner of sagas…a filler of fantasies.

Whatever.

I have seen her work and you can trust me on this one:  She is a storyteller of epic proportions.

I woke up rough that morning.  My mouth felt as if it had been stuffed with dusty cotton…lips pasted together with that white glue that mysteriously appears in the middle of the night…a swollen tongue that tasted like the bottom of an ashtray in a Peterbilt cab after a coast-to-coast run.

Ashtray…how apropos.  It was the day after Fat Tuesday.  Ash Wednesday.

Now, Fat Tuesday had merely been the strawberry on the sundae of a month of total and complete debauchery.  The 30 days of celebration, culminating with Mardi Gras, that directly precedes Lent can only be fully understood by a good Catholic, preferably from the South.  Although what a good Catholic gives up for Lent is what it’s all about, somewhere along the way, the degree to which one parties preceding the loss of a particularly evil sinful act makes the season of Lent all the more important.

I had, however, one problem.  I was neither good nor Catholic.  But I am a true son of the South and I certainly know how to party.  The fact that this particular party happened to coincide with the period just before Lent was strictly coincidental.

But I was game.  Besides, she had asked.  It was, indeed, the only thing she had asked of me since we had met.  And I felt I owed her an answer.  Particularly since I had asked a good bit more from her.  And she had given.  Happily.  Without hesitation.  With vigor.

“Have you ever been to New Orleans?”  I answered her question with one of my own.

“What has that got to do with Lent?”

Hmm.  She was not going to be easily put off.

“They’re real good about giving things up down there,” I said, finally giving her an answer.  Kind of.

“Tell me about it.”

“There’s a Gavin Convention going on,” I said, trying to sound excited.  “A bunch of radio and record people will be running through the French Quarter at all hours of the night.”

She popped her gum loudly.  “And?”

“And there will be a bunch of panels.”

She leaned back and blew the hair out of her eyes. “Panels?”

“Yeah,” I nodded.  “Different people will sit and discuss different topics for what seems like hours.  The audience will nod off…those who don’t leave…and after each is over, everyone will tell everyone else how boring everything is.”

She closed her eyes.  “I hate this Gavin Convention.”

“There will be some bands playing,” I tried weakly.

I thought I heard a snore.

“Of course,” I stammered, “we could drive to Palm Springs.”

She was in the car before I could find my toothbrush.

Ordinarily, Palm Springs is rather ordinary.  This weekend would prove way different.  Ordinarily, it takes between two and two-and-a-half hours to drive to Palm Springs.  This day we made it in 90 minutes.  Ordinarily, there isn’t a lot to do.  However, this weekend, Palm Springs was the home of the Urban Network Convention.  Ordinarily, Palm Springs is a sleepy little town filled with a lot of old Cadillacs driven by people with blue hair.  This weekend, the place rocked.

From the opening invocation to the Old School party that closed down the house, the Urban Network Convention was the place to be.

For those of you who don’t know, Urban Network is a sister publication of Network 40 and their annual convention rocks the party that rocks the party.

Here was a gathering of radio and record people who were truly happy to be sharing time, space and information with each other…where kinder garden and Old School combined curriculum…where programmers listened intently while record executives outlined their problems…where record executives listened to the problems outlined by programmers…where retailers explained the truth of sales vs. programming.

And the music…only one word describes it…WOW!

From Spearhead, Mozaic, K-Ball, Teddy with Immature, Rahsaan Patterson, Tasha Holiday and Eric Benet to Tisha Campbell and Tichina Arnold, it was nothing short of fantastic.  But the best was saved for last.  For those who believe Elektra’s Sylvia Rhone has the best ears in the business, let me give you just one more example:  Ray J. This 16-year-old younger brother of Brandy is going to be a star.  With his sister singing backup, Ray J brought down the house Saturday night.

Sunday morning, the question was still unanswered.

“Well,” she asked while balancing an ankle on my hip, “have you decided what you’re giving up for Lent?”

I studied the perfect leg through half-closed eyes.  It certainly wasn’t going to be her.  “Absolutely.”

She sat up quickly.  “What?”

“The Gavin Convention.”

She threw her arms around me and squealed, “I’m so glad you see it my way.”

It was an easy call.

2/7/1997

Hold everything.  Stop all the presses.  Notify the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and whoever else might be interested…the Pope and all other religious leaders…the United Nations…et cetera…et cetera…etc.

Had I thought about it, I never would have believed it would take this long.  Of course, since I never thought about it, I didn’t really know how long it was taking, so that whole point is moot.

I feel so humble.  I know many and far better men than I have spent countless fortunes and lifetimes in their futile search.  Why I was chosen to be imparted with this special wisdom, I don’t know.  There can be no denying the fact that I am now The Chosen One…and the rest of my life must reflect that fact.

I wear the mantle modestly.  Where before I was egotistical and verbose, I now cover my shoulders with a cloak of humility.

“Why me?”  I ask myself.

“Why him?”  Everyone else asks.

Why ask? The bottom line is that I found the answer to the eternal question…the answer no one else could find.  It was revealed to me in the most special way.  It is strange that the search for the true meaning of life has ended in the office of the Executive VP/GM of Network 40.  I found the Holy Grail when I didn’t even know I was searching for it.

Go figure.

How, you might ask, did this come to be?

I was on the phone with a certain Sr. VP of Promotion and we were discussing the offer he just received from another company when the meaning of life became crystal clear to me.  I shared it with him and he agreed.

I would tell you his name, but then I might have to share the spotlight with him.  I shared the secret; that’s enough.  I have only so much humility.  I must take full credit. I mean, it’s only fair.  He was the first to learn after me.  That should be enough for him

Did I tell you how this discovery has changed my life?  I’ll get to that.  But it occurs to me that many of you reading this column don’t believe I’ve really found the secret to the meaning of life.  Right now you think that I’m just meandering to fill space so I won’t have to write about something relevant.

Who can really blame you?  Why should you think that I have discovered the meaning of life?  Am I so special?  There are certainly many more who are more worthy than I.  Nevertheless, the fact is:  I have been chosen.

Or in 1990 parlance, “I the man!”

My life is forever changed.  You’re reading this column now…soon, you’ll pass bookstores that feature thousands of books that I will write on the subject.  I will become a household name.  My words will be studied by millions.  I will become known far and wide as the wisest person on the face of the earth.  Kings and presidents will seek my counsel.  Children will speak my name with reverence.

And if I’m really lucky, I’ll be on Oprah!

What?  You want me to share the meaning of life with you?  You want me to reveal the secret of the universe to a group of lowly communicators and promoters?  Why should you be worthy of such a noble gesture on my part?

You’ll give me a VCR, a track date and send my winners to Hawaii?

Done!

The answer to the search for the true meaning of life?  The secret of the universe?  It’s simple.  It’s…

er.

No, I’m not referring to the NBC hi t series, E.R. I’m talking about er.  Lower case.  Pronounced together.  Individually, the letters don’t stand for anything else.  Just er.

You’re not getting this, are you?

See, when I was speaking with the Sr. VP of Promotion, he told me about another company that was interested in his services.  He told them he was happy where he was.

That’s when it hit me…er.

I said, “You’re happy, but you could always be happier.”

Get it?  Happy-er.

And that, my friends, is the secret of life.  Think about it…er is what drives us…er makes us tick…er is why we do the things we do.

I’m happy.  But does that make me stop seeking out people, places and tings that could increase that sensation?  Of course not.  I want to be happier!

I make a lot of money.  Most Americans would say I’m rich.  But do I put my feet up on the desk and stop working?  Nope.  Why? er.  I want to be richer.

You’ve got the haircut…the shades…the car…the lifestyle…the look.  You are cool.  Do you stop?  Do you back away from that cutting edge because you are cool and you know it?  No sir. er.  You want to be…you need to be…you have to be…cooler.

You’re getting now, aren’t you?  I feel that you are.  Because before you were reading fast.  Now you’re reading faster.

Once you understand that er drives you…that er is the meaning of life…then you can harness er and reach your full potential.

Hey, you’re pretty.  But you’re going to try that new skin lotion, aren’t you?  Because you want to be prettier.

You are smart, right?  But you’re still going to listen when others speak…you’re going to a seminar or two…you’ll be at the panel discussions at conventions…because you want to get smarter.

So the next time someone asks you what you want, tell that person.  “er.”  And as soon as you master er, you can move on to est.

As much as it hurt you to admit I’m right…you know I am.  Come on.  Say it.  SAY IT!

Gerry was great…now he’s greater…soon he’ll be the greatest.

I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

1/17/1997

“You’re nobody ’til somebody loves you…”

This week’s interview is one of the most riveting in Network 40’s history.  Gary Stevens, who has been involved in more major station sales than any other broker, speaks candidly about the realities of mergers, swaps and sales.  It is a must-read for all radio programmers who will be effected by a station sale.  It is also important that all in our industry read this interview to gain an understanding about how the current climate causes reactions from those within the radio community.

Gary shares the back-room strategies among those who buy and sell radio properties, but he also touches on the human aspects of these mega-deals.  Gary is in a unique position to discuss how these deals effect the day-to-day lives of those in radio.  He has one of the most respected resumes in broadcasting.  Gary was a big-time deejay back in the days when being a deejay was the ultimate pinnacle of success.  He was one of the WMCA “Good Guys” in the glory days of radio in the 1960s.  He became a general manager in the Doubleday chain and later was president of Doubleday Broadcasting.  I was fortunate enough to work with Gary twice—in Phoenix at KRIZ and later in New York at WAPP.

Gary is one of the best management executives I’ve ever worked with.  He was one of the few managers who put talent on the same level as sales…in many cases, even above.  Gary always recognized the importance of people in this business.  He was quick to point out that it was the talent of the people inside the walls that made the building worthwhile, not the paint on the outside.  I learned a lot about managing people from him.  He was as quick to praise as he was to blame.  He worked hard on creating a family atmosphere and fought hard for his people when company edicts from the home office tended to ignore the human element.

Indeed, Gary Stevens was the first “Human Resources” person I ever met.  So I felt a great degree of pain when I read his perspective on the current climate of station group owners.  According to Gary, most owners are looking only at the hardware when contemplating future purchases.  Whether a station has talented people or even whether it is successful ratings-wise has less to do with the potential purchase than the hard worth of the station.

“Love is here and, oh my baby, now you’re gone.”

Ouch!

The main reason that drives people into our business in the first place is love.  Nobody becomes involved in radio because it’s easier to achieve big success and extraordinary money than in any other business.  We all began because we loved it.

Why?  Who really knows.  Why was I staying up all night, listening to distant stations from across the country while my peers were getting up at the crack of dawn to fish?  Why was I drawn to the station promotions, so I could meet the deejay, when most of my friends were going to a movie?  Why did I think the deejays on my favorite station were so cool?

I have no idea.  I only know that the love of radio drove me into the business.  In my career, I’ve had the opportunity to program a lot of great radio stations.  Not a week goes by without a couple of programmers telling my they used to listen to KFRC San Francisco, WAPP New York or KHJ Los Angeles or another station I programmed—and they fell in love with radio because of it.

We began because we fell in love.  Unfortunately, the reality today is that the lady we’re  in love with has a heart of stone.

“You broke my heart, you made me cry, you dropped a bomb on me.”

Decisions inside radio stations are made for reasons that have nothing to do with a love of the business…most of the time the decisions have nothing to do with the radio business.  Many companies are buying stations as commodities…as far removed from human reality as trading for sugar futures.

Does this mean that we, as programmers, should develop a hard attitude in our approach to our jobs?  Yes and no.  We should face reality.

This isn’t a mom-and-pop business any more.  When someone speaks to you about a “family” atmosphere, be careful.  The “radio family” of today is mostly dysfunctional.  Daddy might be too close to that chainsaw and mom’s spending way too much time with those clothes hangers.

We still should work in this business because we love it—mainly because we have no choice.  You can’t snap your fingers and fall out of love any more than you can change your feelings because the one you love doesn’t share your emotion.  But our love of doing a great job should manifest itself within each of us.  Do not expect that love…the attention to detail…that willingness to work long, hard hours…the ability to be there until the job gets done…don’t expect that to be rewarded in kind by most managers or owners.  They don’t have the liberty to share the emotion.  They are driven by other forces.

Do your job and derive your pleasure from what it gives you inside…not what it gets you from others.  The truth of the matter is that most times, they don’t care.

There was a time when a station’s worth was judged by what it accomplished.  Today its worth is based more on its location and how it fits with others in a future chain than its success.  This can make it extremely frustrating for those who work to make their place of employment a winner.  But fear not.  The time is coming when stations will have to begin paying off.  The prices paid will then be judged on actual worth rather than what someone else wants to pay for them.

That’s when talent will again become the important commodity.

Until then, “Love Stinks.”

12/13/1996

Was this planned?  At the beginning of 1996, did we plan to pull the covers over our heads and take a holiday nap at the beginning of December?  Or did we just eat way too much turkey and dressing for Thanksgiving, gain so much weight and lethargy that we couldn’t (or wouldn’t) put forth a big effort to close the year with a bang?  Are we too tired, too lazy, too content…or, in some cases, too ignorant of the facts to make the final push that separates the big winners from the also-rans?

Or was this just another one of those famous “mistakes” that so often happens in our industry…you know, those things that “just happen” and turn first into legend, then tradition.

Or is it all my imagination?

Hello?  Is anybody there?

I’m speaking of the decisions made by some record companies to curb their promotional efforts leading up to the Christmas holidays.  It is evident that record companies that don’t have releases shouldn’t waste their time and efforts pushing stiffs up to mid-chart.  However, record companies who make conscious decisions to decrease promotion and sales efforts in December because of a belief that airplay is tough to come by might be guilty of reasoning accurately to an inaccurate conclusion.

Often, particularly in the promotional ranks, decisions are made based on what promotion executives think radio believes.  Too often, these assumptions are wrong.  The symbiotic relationship that tenuously exists between radio stations and record companies is at it’s weakest during the Christmas holidays.

Record company promotional teams usually close their doors over the holiday period…some for as many as three weeks.  Radio programmers work through the holiday vacations…many pulling air-shifts on Christmas Day.  Certainly, no programmer or music director is allowed two to three weeks of vacation.

After Christmas means more advertising.  There are sales, special end-of-the-year offerings, sales, New Year’s parties, sales, New Year’s concerts and sales.  Did I mention sales?

The point is, radio has no choice except to work.  The jocks are on the air, commercial logs are in the control room and music logs must be run.

Ahh…Music logs

Have we struck a resonant chord?

No matter what a record company believes or promotes or does, programmers will change the music on their radio stations every week through the holiday period.  So you think that song you’re promoting has just about lost its vitality and you can put it to sleep three weeks earlier than you would under normal circumstances because it’s Christmas.

Wrong, no-bullet breath.

Programmers are looking for fresh, new product.  There is probably no other time of year better than right now when you can “sneak” a song on radio stations.  So many promotion people get insane because programmers don’t give their record enough time to begin to stimulate sales and requests.  Quit bitching.  Your time is now.

Unlike any other time of year, true promotion people can make a difference over the next couple of weeks.  If you’re good enough to convince a programmer to add your record on the basis of sound (hey, how many opportunities do you get to do that?), you have the chance to get your record burning into the audience for a good three weeks before accurate information can come back to the programmer for evaluation.  Few stations do audience testing during the holidays because listeners’ habits are different-but they still have the radio station tuned in.  And if your record is on, they’re hearing it.  Maybe they’re hearing it a lot and, if you’re lucky, liking it.  Then, when Pauley Programmer starts up those call-outs after the holidays, maybe your record has enough momentum to show up big.

And guess what?  All of those other promoters who didn’t bother with the station before the Christmas holidays will be a day late and a dollar short when they’re asking for adds during the first week of January.  You’ll already have a head start.

Just because record companies take a long holiday over Christmas doesn’t mean radio stations do the same.  The opposite is true.  Radio doesn’t take a holiday.  And music is critical to radio all the time…but especially during Christmas when new product can get increasingly stale.

Record companies should actively promote programmers through the 20^th of this year.  Don’t worry about them not being there.  Trust me.  They will be.  And promotion should begin again on January 2^nd.  Again, don’t worry about a programmer not being back from vacation.  The truth is, most won’t leave.

Radio people are accustomed to working over the holidays.  And because many record company promotion teams are “over and out” during the same period, a good promotion executive can find quality time with a programmer simply because there’s nobody else around.  I’m not suggesting you to call on Christmas Day, but the days leading up to Christmas can prove a lot more productive than all those other days when the call-waiting feature on the music line was overloaded.  It is a promotion person’s job to find better ways.  This is an easy one.

Record companies with hit records will promote during the Christmas holidays.  Those that don’t, probably won’t,  but is it happenstance that those who continue to work harder have hit records?

I think not.

12/6/1996

Here are some random thoughts I garnered over the Thanksgiving holidays:

It wasn’t long enough.  More people are talking about being burned out in our business than ever before.  I witnessed one record executive, his feet propped up on a couch on Thanksgiving  Day, talking about how he couldn’t wait until the Christmas vacation.

• · · ·

 

Was I the only one who thought stuffing the turkey and promoting records were one and the same thing?

• · · ·

 

I was playing golf with my good friend Charlie Bennett, who is 78 and retired.  (Ask Bill Richards how good a golfer Charlie is!)  The course was crowded.  I was bitching.  (I know it sounds hard for those of you who are familiar with my calm demeanor to believe, but I was actually getting aggravated.)

Charlie said, “One good recession would cure these crowds out.”

I relate the above to the record business.  The last few months haven’t exactly been the healthiest in our blood sport.  However, it’s nothing one big hit wouldn’t cure.

• · · ·

 

Is it just me or is it really getting ugly out there?  I’ve never heard more people bitching about other people, their jobs and their lives in general.  It seems like we have to complain even when we’re satisfied.  I actually heard the following exchange:

“John just got a job at Dweebe Records.”

“Doing what?”

“That slug?  He couldn’t close a door, much less a record.  I’m better than him.  I wonder why they didn’t talk to me?”

“I thought you guys were friends?”

“John and I?  The best.”

“Oh.”

“How much is he making?”

“About one hundred thousand.”

“Jesus Christ!  That’s such bullshit! I work my ass off twice as hard as he will and I don’t make half that.  This is absolutely unfair.”

“Why don’t you quit?”

“Why would I quit?  I love my job.”

• · · ·

 

Am I the only one who is over this cigar thing?  Suddenly, everyone is smoking them and everyone is an expert.  With the possible exception of Todd Cavanah, five years ago most programmers thoughts a Macanudo was a strip club in Las Vegas.

• · · ·

 

If more programmers chewed tobacco and were careless where they spit, would music meetings with record promoters last nearly as long?

• · · ·

 

I have the best job in the business.  I’m also the very best at what I do.  Of course, being the only person who does what I do makes doing it a lot more comfortable than other situations.  But don’t be fooled.  It isn’t easy being me.  (Who am I trying to kid?  I’m just looking for sympathy.  It’s a piece of cake!)

• · · ·

 

I’ve never heard more people with more opinions about what KIIS FM Los Angeles should do.  Everybody’s a programming genius.

• · · ·

 

Why is the stock market setting new records and all of my radio stock is going down?

• · · ·

 

Will everyone who ate too much please raise their hands?

• · · ·

 

Will everyone who bitched too much please raise their hands?

• · · ·

 

Will everyone who loved too much please raise their hands?

• · · ·

 

If you counted all the minutes that you bitched about your job and your life this past weekend, then compared it to the amount of time you spent giving thanks for what you have, which would win?

• · · ·

 

I am the best cook I know.  For that fact, each Thanksgiving, I give thanks to Lela Maye.

• · · ·

 

How many people wished they were somewhere else this Thanksgiving?  How many people wished they were with some-one else?  How many people were with other people who were wishing they were with someone else?

• · · ·

 

How many people reading this think their opinion is the only one that matters?

• · · ·

 

I heard something every interesting over the Thanksgiving holidays.  A friend of mine had a pad full of New Year’s resolutions.  He compiles them each Thanksgiving.  He chooses several, then gives them a “test run” through the Christmas holidays to see which ones (a) make a difference in his life, and (b) he has a snowballs’ chance in hell of not breaking.  Just before the New Year, he finds a couple and sticks with them.  It’s an interesting policy…one I’m giving a “test run” this year.  This way I won’t be so impulsive.

• · · ·

 

Why is our business so ugly?  Why can’t we be happy for every record that shows life?  For every promotion person who gets a better position?  For every radio station that trends up?  For every programmer who gets a better gig?  Why must we constantly criticize everyone and everything that happens in our business…as long as it isn’t happening to us?  Is it possible that others aren’t as bad as we think and we aren’t as good as we are?

Naah!

10/11/1996

The master of the manor managed a slight smile.  He even allowed himself to feel a small measure of pride as he gazed around the land claimed for decades by his heritage.  It had been five years since the battle that had brought down the evil King and chased the dragons from the land.  The master and others had managed to reclaim their heritage and define their futures as they saw fit.  The freedom was invigorating…creating an almost drug-like feeling of euphoria.

He called to his son and the two of them began a careful walk across the front of the property.  Everywhere there were signs of the great war.  Gaping holes in the earth gave proof to the powerful weapons of destruction that had been unleashed.  Acres and acres of parched earth were only now allowing the occasional blade of bright, green grass to point toward the sun.  The glistening white bones of those who gave their all were now gardens for flowers to grow.

The master patted his son on the head.  “Things have changed, haven’t they?”

As the boy looked at their father with clear, blue, innocent eyes, for one brief moment in time the older man allowed himself to believe that all was well…the wars were over…no one was trying to take their freedom away…that there was a Santa Clause…that Jupiter had aligned with Mars and peace would rule the planet…but those thoughts, (like the 5^th Dimension) were just golden memories.  History was just about to repeat itself.

As suddenly as the peaceful feeling descended, it was gone…replaced by a muffled thud and a great shaking of the ground.

“Earthquake, father?” the boy shouted over the roar that filled the air.

The older man fell to the grass with his son, shielding him from the certain destruction as best he could.

“No, son,” he answered, “it’s not a natural disaster.”

“What then?” the boy yelled.  “Is it Darth Vader?”

The father didn’t look up.  “Can’t be, there’s no phasing in the voice.”

“Jabba The Hut?”

The father snuck a peek.  “Although there are certain similarities, it isn’t him.”

“Joel Denver?”

“No, Joel turned his sword into a plowshare a long time ago and currently is farming within the system.”

“The Anti-Christ?”

The father looked again and what he saw turned his blood cold.  “Worse.  It’s Michael Ellis of The Monitor.”

(Cue the music…cut to the lasers…fade up on the title sequence.  “Trade Wars…The Continuing Struggle of Network 40 Against the Evils of the Dark Side…starring Gerry Cagle as Luke Sky Walker, the staff of Network 40 as the heroes of our world…programmers and music directors appear as the decent, honest people who try to fend off those who would feed of their hard work…Michael Ellis and The Monitor as the Emperor and the Forces of Evil.  The part of Chewbacca is played by Wookie.”)

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, the mechanical shark is back, feasting on garbage, small children, scantily clad women and a fishing boat…diesel motors and all.

Will the forces of good and evil overcome The Dark Side?  Will Kilgo be allowed another cold beer?  Will Kristen live to appear in another Network 40 picture?  Will the world be saved?

Long ago, (okay, five or so years) in a land far, far way (okay, just over the Hollywood hills) when I began the great debate by describing R&R’s dictatorial process of assigning radio stations to a specific format based on their own confusing formula as “Satanic,” I never thought there would come a day when that stance would be surpassed by something more ridiculous.

Boy, was I wrong.

Michael Ellis looks at what history did to R&R, watches what a conceited, belligerant, holier-than-thou attitude can do and manages to get on that pig and let it rear its ugly head five years later. The Emperor has now decided that he, and he alone, will determine the format of a particular radio station. Maybe Michael and the editor of Hitz should get together and form a consulting company.

The alarming part about this decision is it doesn’t give a programmer a choice.  If R&R (or any other trade) put a station in a format the PD didn’t agree with, the PD can withhold the playlist.  The Monitor doesn’t ask stations to report.  The Monitor gets station reports through BDS.  As a PD, you have a choice.  Of course, you could refuse to talk to Michael, but when was the last time he called a programmer for input?

Would you like to know what kind of station The Monitor says you’re programming?  “A To 40/Mainstream station plays a wide variety of current music.  The most-played song on the station must be played at least 40 times per week.  Among the station’s 40 most-played songs are Rock songs and Songs from at least one of the following genres: R&B, Dance, Pop, uptempo Pop and Pop ballads.”  A Top 40/Rhythm-Crossover station “…plays a variety of current music, but no Rock.”

I guess that means KZFM, KLUC and KSFM aren’t considered Crossover stations by The Monitor since they (just to name a few) are playing Alanis Morissette.

In addition to these definitions, Michael will exclude you from reporting if you don’t meet minimum cume requirements.  (That’s comforting.  We all know how accurate those Arbitron figures are.) Also, “…some stations that would normally qualify may not be used as reporters.”

And the snake ate the baby.

Why do I care?  I rant when trade magazines…publications that exist because of radio…have people with limited programming experience dictating policies or opinions that affect those who do.  The Monitor has decided what is right for radio.

The Monitor is wrong.

Today’s radio is too nonspecific.  One can’t throw a blanket over a group and declare them the same.  Besides, no sooner does Michael create his own absolutes than exceptions have to be granted in Crossover…or the panel greatly reduced.

I humbly suggest that Michael go back to the drawing board and call Domino’s for a large pizza.

This time, get extra cheese.

11/15/1996

“Who’s on first?”

“I don’t know.”

“He’s on second.”

“Who?”

“Who’s on first?”

“I don’t know.”

“He’s on second.”

“What?”

“Third base.”

It’s enough to drive even Abbott and Costello crazy.  Not their famous “Who’s On First” routine, made even more famous in the movie, Rainman, but who owns what radio stations and where will it all end.

It’s easier to count cards in Las Vegas.

Just in case you are interested, as of today (of course, by the time you read this column, it’s almost certain there will be more ownership changes) the total by ownership is as follows:

1. American Radio Systems (93)
2. Clear Channel (93)
3. Jacor (92)
4. SFX (82)
5. CBS (79)
6. Chancellor (53)
7. Evergreen (42)
8. Cox (41)
9. Gulfstar (41)
10. Paxson (40)

 

Those are definitely…definitely a lot of stations.  Of course, there are those who would attempt to point out that in many cases, the quantity of some acquisitions has affected the quality.  Some would say it’s K-Mart shopping at best.

With the absence of any real restrictions from the FCC, radio stations have become an entity to be bought, sold and traded like commodities of the market.  In most instances, the price for individual stations is so off the charts as to make even the bulls on Wall Street cringe.  If Mr. and Mrs. Smith were going to purchase a radio station and run it the rest of their lives, they couldn’t do it.  The dollars don’t make sense.  However, the worth of the station makes the sale dollars reasonable for the big companies.

Does that make sense?  Let me explain it to you in another way.  Remember when the Hunt brothers decided to capture the silver market back in the 1980s?  Silver had been bought and sold for about the same price for years.  The flux was negligible.  That’s how it is on Wall Street.  Too often, it isn’t what a company is worth that strikes the price, it’s what someone else wants to pay for it.  With the Hunt brothers buying and hoarding silver, the price suddenly went through the roof.  Why?  Because there wasn’t enough supply for the demand.

It’s the same with radio stations today.  There are a finite number of radio stations available in the United States.  It’s not like the furniture business, where you can just put up another store on the corner when you want.  Licenses are restricted.  There are only so many radio stations.  If you want to buy one, in 999 out of 1,000 instances, you have to find an existing license and purchase it from the owner.

Since the FCC hasn’t the ways and means to restrict the number of stations a particular entity owns, what keeps one company from buying every station in the country?  The Department of Justice.  And lately, the DOJ has been raising more than one eyebrow when glancing at the alarming number of stations controlled by one company.

Most of the stations being purchased are done so for one reason—so they can be polished, shined and sold again.  But let’s consider the possibilities should one of these companies make a decision to make a major impact on the business as a whole.

In the 1970s, the RKO chain ruled music radio.  The company owned the #1 station in most major markets.  For a record to make it into the top 10, the RKO chain had to add it.  That was pretty strong medicine from a company that owned 12 radio stations.  Twelve stations won’t even rank a company in the top 50 today.

But think about the possibility of one chain…let’s say, Jacor…deciding that every station in their chain would be programmed Top 40.  Impossible?  Not at all.  Think about the advantages of a chain of 92 radio stations programmed almost identically with chain adds and promotions. This could revolutionize the way our entire business is done.  If the RKO Group could be the 800-lb. gorilla with just 12 stations, think what this chain of 92 stations could do.  The possibilities are endless.

First of all, the promotion budget could be taken right off the ledger.  The promotions from record companies would be unbelievable.  The chain would own every Mainstream concert.  Forget owning them; the chain could go into the concert business.  Would producing their own records be far behind?

And what if, say, CBS, then decided that all of their stations should be Alternative? ARS might choose Crossover, Clear Channel Rock and Chancellor Country.  A music format could be dominated overnight and the commercial possibilities would be immense.

Since radio companies are looking into audience domination to ensure profits in individual markets, is it too great a leap to believe that these same companies might look into format similarities to up a market share?

Companies are looking to “own” a perception to make the quantum leap.  Kleenex for tissue paper, Xerox for copiers…you get the drift.  Would Jacor for Top 40 not be in the same mode and bring about the same profit shares?

You say it could never happen?  Ten years ago, one company owning 92 radio stations wasn’t a possibility either. That’s why the DOJ is interested.

If this does become a reality, three things would be certain:  Ed Stolz would still own one radio station, Bill Skull would be the happiest man in Maui and K-Mart would still suck!