Tag: radio programming

Commercial Alternative

10/6/1995 

Long, long ago in a land far, far way, I was a program director.  Okay, it wasn’t that long ago and it wasn’t that far away in distance, though an argument could be made that Sacramento is as long ago and far away as you can get.

The last station I programmed was KWOD.  For many reasons, KWOD wasn’t competing well in the Mainstream Top 40 arena.  Maybe it was because the station had been buried long before I got there; maybe it was because promotional budgetary constraints made the playing field uneven; maybe it was because I did a poor job programming in the face of outstanding competition.  (No, that couldn’t have been it!)  Maybe I was out of my mind.  (A strong case could be made for this…after all, I did pose for a Hitmakers cover!)

Whatever the reasons, we had to find another way to increase our audience.  After much soul-searching and a lot of research, we decided to adjust the format.

Live 105 reached into the outlying areas of the Sacramento metro and was exposing Alternative music to an increasingly loyal audience.  On my many trips to Los Angeles, I heard more and more people listening to KROQ.  It was hard to ignore KROQ’s success since KWOD’s owner also owned KROQ-AM, even though it was off the air

Based on all these factors and more, KWOD became one of the first Top 40 stations to weave Alternative music into the mix.  (Hey, I invented that format!)  It was easy to decide that KWOD should take a more Alternative approach.  It wasn’t nearly so easy to define the parameters that would establish the music inclusions and rotations.

The same is true today…maybe even more so. 

If you program a strictly Alternative station, it isn’t difficult to determine the music mix.  Alternative promotion people keep you aware of what music is available and what is hot.  There are many other radio stations with which you can compare your playlist.  The main decisions faced by most Alternative programmers are: (A) How Alternative do you want to go, and (B) how deep into the catalogue do you want to delve?

The Alternative format is basically artist driven.  Those programming in this format can define the music without a lot of effort.  This is not to say that it is easy to find the Alternative hits, but within the definition of the format, choosing the right music mix is more a matter of selecting the right songs from the Alternative pile rather than making distinctions about what is and what isn’t Alternative.

The task facing Mainstream Top 40 programmers is not so easy.

As Alternative music has gained more and more support from the Mainstream, Top 40 stations have reacted. Many have no choice.

Alternative music isn’t a fad (at least not today…maybe tomorrow).  It is a fact that a large percentage of the Mainstream audience wants to hear a certain percentage of the Alternative pie.

How much and which cuts?  Those are the big questions.

An increasing amount of my time, and that of the rest of the staff at Network 40, has been taken up with this discussion.  Programmers across the country are searching for the right answers…and the right questions.  How Alternative should we lean?  What Alternative songs will cross all the way into the Mainstream?  How many Alternative songs should I include in my music mix?  Is this song the right one?

Programming a Mainstream Top 40 station with an Alternative lean is one of the toughest jobs in the business.  There is no consensus with which you can compare your station.  Each situation is different.  Is your market already served by a successful Alternative station?  Do market demographics offer you a broad or restrictive target?  Are you the only Mainstream Top 40 game in town?  Does an advertising base exist to mirror programming performance?  Do you have the expertise?

In the final outcome, it is the music that matters.  That is why Network 40 has debuted the only chart exclusive to Mainstream Top 40 stations that lean Alternative.  We call it “Commercial Alternative.”  Why?  Because that’s what it is.  The CA chart lists the cream of the Alternative music crop.  Those songs high on the CA chart have the best chance of advancing and doing well in the Mainstream.

Our data base for this chart is small.  We took the most aggressive Alternative stations and those Top 40’s with an alternative stations and those Top 40’s with an Alternative lean and made them a part of the mix.  Market size wasn’t considered, only a station’s musical stance and commitment.

If you are a cutting edge Alternative programmer, this chart will serve as a guide to let you know what “smash” Alternative songs you might be missing.  If you’re Alternative programmer with a Top 40 lean or presentation, the CA chart will show you the right songs to play.  It will give you a great comparison.

If you’re a Mainstream Top 40 programmer with an Alternative lean, say “Hallelujah!”  Help has arrived.  The CA chart will give you a clear picture of Alternative songs with a track record and potential to cross into the Mainstream.

It took Network 40 a long time to compile the data and produce a Commercial Alternative chart.  It was no easy decision.  Our industry doesn’t need another chart just to satisfy the needs and wants of a trade magazine.  And although my experience with KWOD made me sympathetic to the plights of programmers, this was by no means my idea.  The CA chart is truly a reflection of the needs of our industry.  After just one week, it’s already a success.  Nothing Network 40 did before has stimulated such positive response.

Record companies and radio programmers were instrumental in helping to determine the stations included in the data base and with the definition of the chart.  Record companies now have a concise chart with which to prove which records are really crossing into the Mainstream.  Programmers can compare their selections with those of other stations in similar formats.

My thanks to those of you in both radio and records for helping to make Commercial Alternative a reality.

It’s about time

Rules And Regs

7/28/1995

Every gray cloud has a silver lining.  That statement was never more true than when applied to last week’s Editorial.  In an embarrassing column about nothing, I mentioned the KFRC playbook a couple of times.  I was surprised at the number of calls I received (I was really stunned that anyone actually got through it).  Many of you expressed interest in knowing more about the playbook.

I was fortunate in my career to program more than my share of great radio stations in many different markets.  The resumé of my programming journeys can certainly be described as a long and winding road.  WRBC Jackson, WFUN Miami, WMFJ Daytona Beach, KTLK Denver, KRIZ Phoenix, WRKO Boston, WOR-FM New York, KHJ Los Angeles, KYA San Francisco, KCBQ San Diego, KFRC San Francisco, WAPP New York, B95 and KCMO Kansas City, Y106 and  Q96 Orlando, WSHE Miami and KWOD Sacramento.  Not included in this litany are the stations I consulted along the way.

The first few things that come to mind when you see this list are that I programmed a lot of stations, I traveled a lot and I couldn’t hold a job for very long! All of which are true.

I enjoyed every station I programmed.  It was invigorating to take over a radio station, put format adjustments in place, dream up promotions and work with the air staff.  There was a down side, however.  I found myself teaching the same elemental formatics to each new group of personalities.  Often, I would forget things.  Because I had given the speech before, I assumed the new staff knew what I knew.  They didn’t.

So, early on, I began compiling what I called a playbook.  It was everything I knew about programming.  It wasn’t as simple as handing out the book and having everything be perfect.  Changes had to be made to accommodate particular idiosyncrasies at each station.  But at least the basics were covered.

Having a programming playbook solved a lot of problems.  No matter how many meetings you have, no matter how many elements you cover, good air talent can always find ways to do something outside the guidelines of your format.  The talent can always fall back on that old adage, “You never told me that.”  With a playbook, they can’t use that excuse.  Over the years, I came up with a specific rule for every excuse I heard.  After a while, there were no excuses.

A well-designed playbook can give your air staff a feeling of security.  There are no mysteries.  It’s all there in black and white.  If there are any questions about formatics, they can find the answer.  A jock doesn’t always know what a PD wants.  The playbook lays it out perfectly.

It’s not enough, however, just to have the book.  It has to be used.  Let’s face it: Most jocks, by their very nature, tend to be lazy.  It is up to us as programmers to stimulate them past their level of comfort.  If you’re going to have a playbook, it has to be used…daily.  It may sound juvenile, but it’s a good idea to give tests on the playbook.  If you don’t make it important to the air staff, it won’t be important.  Having the staff answer written and oral questions on the basics of different elements of the format in every staff meeting will keep them on their toes when they are on the air.  I required jocks to leave their playbooks at the station.  Occasionally, I would tape a $50 bill or a message to one of the pages.  Later, I would call the jock on the air and ask if the playbook had been read before the shift began.  When they lied and said they had read it, I would ask them to check a particular page number and call me back.

We all know that a good jock must transcend the format.  A good jock must use personality to become special and different to the listeners.  But they must showcase their personalities within the framework of the format.  They can’t be allowed just to do as they please.  They shouldn’t view formatic rules as stumbling blocks impeding their progress, but as tools to help them achieve greater heights.

Execution, without a plan, is ultimately worthless.  You can practice hitting golf balls every day, but if you don’t know the correct swing, you won’t get any better.  Planning, without execution, is just a worthless.  Those who spend too much time on the drawing board will never see their creation come to life.

I tried hard to do both.  I’m a big believer in weekly air check sessions.  It’s all right, and quite necessary, to have rules, but making sure the jocks know how to implement the rules through their own personalities is imperative.

After several false starts, I managed to put down my programming thoughts in the form of a playbook.  Paul Drew, head of programming for the RKO chain, liked the idea and we used the concept at most of our stations.

I make no false claims that these ideas are original.  Different elements were “borrowed” from many of the great programmers I worked with.  Since the playbook was written over the course of years, some influences are easy to spot—particularly the philosophy behind the rules.  It is the direct result of working late into many nights with Buzz Bennett.  Formatic specifics were a direct result of working with Drew.  The playbook is a combination of those ideas, as well as my own, and other unknowing contributors who taught me things along the way.

As the playbook was always a work in progress, some of the specific rules could be conceived as contradictory.  Each has a different level of importance.  Different stations had somewhat different needs.  The rules were always bent to accommodate the needs of individual stations.

And the playbook was always subject to challenge.  If any jock could convince me that his idea was better than what was in the playbook, the rule would be changed.

The concept of a playbook is to make sure that your ideas are shared by your staff.  It also serves as an important tool to help you know exactly what your position is.  Furthermore, it helps you to grow as you add and subtract specifics with each new challenge.

Anyhow, so many of you asked for a copy of the playbook, we’ve reprinted it in this issue beginning on page 10.  You might not agree with all of the guidelines, but I’m sure you’ll agree that the idea of a playbook might be a good one.

Feel free to steal what you need.  I did.

That Guy Sucks

9/8/1995

Which of the following statements doesn’t fit:  Labor Day Weekend; golf, playtime; sunburn, tanning lotion; poolside margaritas; cool tunes on the radio; obnoxious deejays.

If you answered poolside margaritas, you need to stop drinking…or start… whichever is more appropriate.

Obnoxious deejays.

Is anything more irritating?  Nothing can turn a listener off quicker.  And nothing burns into a listener’s brains more.  So why don’t programmers spend more time working with and instructing talent t o ease this obvious stumbling block?  Programmers spend hours laboring over music computers, station production, flow clocks and promotions, yet one ignorant deejay can blow the entire station’s image with an inconstant presentation.

This problem is most prevalent during weekends.  Scheduling weekend air shifts is one of the biggest headaches for programmers.  No full time jock wants to work a weekend shift.  Most have no choice.  But they all want specific shifts that may not be right for the station.  It’s hard enough to find talented people in major or large markets…It’s nearly impossible in smaller markets.

Unfortunately, weekends are the most important days for attracting new listeners.  Most listeners are creatures of habit during weekdays.  Seldom do they stray from their favorite stations.  Not so on weekends.  Maybe they’re dating someone whose musical tastes are different.  Maybe they’re in situations that call for a different station than the one they’re accustomed to listening to during the week.  Maybe it’s because weekends are not so structured and therefore provide more time for listeners to sample different stations.

For all of these reasons…and more…weekends should be of extreme importance to you and your deejays.  You can’t afford to have potential listeners tuning in to your station then quickly tuning out because “that guy sucks.”

Not that offensive deejays are exclusive to weekends.  Far from it.  There are more than enough bad jocks to go around.  And lately, they seem to be going around like an epidemic.

Not so long ago I wrote an Editorial on getting the most out of air talent.  It doesn’t seem to have worked.  At least not on my stations of choice in Los Angeles.  If I repeat myself, perhaps you should repeat some of these suggestions to your air staff.  They obliviously didn’t get it the first time.

Communications is the key to being a good programmer.  It is also the key to being a good jock.  Communication between PD and the air staff is the combination that will open the lock.  Just because part-time deejays only work a few hours doesn’t mean you should spend less time instructing them on the format.  The truth it, you should spend more.

Deejays must know who their audience is.  Since most don’t, it is up to you, the programmer, to explain it to them.  Make sure each deejay knows how to relate to the audience.  Make sure that the jock knows that it is the listener who is important…not the deejay.  And make sure each jock knows that the weekend audience is not the same as those listening Monday through Friday.

If the music is right, if the promotions are right, if the presentation is right, a good jock can add to those elements to make a station better.  Except for those jocks who are more important than the music (Howard Stern, highlighted in this week’s magazine on page 12, is the perfect, and maybe only example), an air personality’s job is to accentuate the positives of the format.  It is not an air talent’s job to be important…it is an air talent’s job to make the station important.

On weekend shifts, this rule should never be broken.  Jocks are there to pimp the music…pimp station promotions…and that’s all.  No funny bits…no cute comments…no weak attempts at being hip.

It’s simple.  Shut the hell up.

Weekend promotions should be simple call-in-and-win contests.  Nothing more.  If the contests have listener interaction, make sure the bits are kept short.  Besides a name and city, jocks should only ask contestants yes or no questions.  It keeps the jock in charge of the call.

Weekend jocks shouldn’t ask a winner, “How do you feel?”  That gives the listener an opportunity to stumble around forever.  A weekend jock should say, “You just won… isn’t that great?”

Yes or no answers.

Weekend jocks shouldn’t be allowed to talk about themselves.  Nobody cares where they came from…how long they’ve been in town…what movie they saw last night.  Just pimp the music.

Long contests on weekends are losers.  Soliciting contestants is hard enough on weekdays.  On Sunday? Forget it.  More than likely, you’ll have 12-year-olds playing along.  This weekend, I was listening to a station that had a great Labor Day musical presentation.  Nothing but hit after hit.  Then a shift change occurs and the next jock, who normally does a different shift during the week, decides he wants to impress the audience with his “hipness” by playing a stupid contest.

He solicits contestants.  Nobody calls.  He continues to beg and finally gets someone on the phone.  They didn’t know about the contest.  So the jock explains it to them.  (Forget we’ve already heard the explanation several times.)  Then the jock can’t hear the contestant.  He asks their name not once, not twice…but three times.  Of course, the jock can’t hear the lame answers to the lame contest either.  It lasts forever.

Oh, by the way.  The contestant finally won.  The prize?  A station T-shirt.  The listener then asked to make a request.  The jock replied, “Sorry, we don’t take requests.”

Perfect.

Nothing is more irritating to a listener than a bad jock.  And the truth is, there aren’t really any bad jocks…there are ignorant jocks.  There are those on the air who think they have something more important than the music to share with the audience.

If I want someone to share their thoughts with me,  I’ll call the psychic hotline.

It is up to the programmers to put jocks in their place.  And the proper place is within the boundaries of the format…not outside.  Otherwise you’ll get an audience response you don’t want.

“That guy sucks.”

Dealing With People You Hate

9/1/1995 

I saw a book this week titled “Dealing with People You Can’t Stand.”  I immediately couldn’t stand the author.

I didn’t read the book, but I could tell by the title that it skirted the issue, particularly in our business.  “Dealing With People You Can’t Stand” won’t cut it in our industry.  It’s not strong enough.  That’s why this Editorial is called “Dealing With People You Hate.”

Because of the nature of our business, we have to deal with people we hate every day.  More often than not, the ones we hate the most are the ones we have to deal with the most.  Maybe that’s why we hate them.  I don’t necessarily mean that we hate the people.  It’s that we hate to deal with the personalities of the people we encounter.  We don’t have the time to develop relationships with many of those with whom we must do business.  To truly hate someone, it is necessary to get to know them.  However, hatred for particular attitudes, personalities or acts doesn’t take nearly so long.

So I guess this Editorial should be called “People Whose Attitudes, Personalities Or Acts We Hate.”  But that would be too ambiguous and if that was the title, I would hate myself.

This Editorial identifies those we hate and gives you some pointers on how you can deal with them more effectively.  I’ve divided the particulars into four broad categories.  You might have more or less, but you aren’t writing the Editorial.  Don’t you hate that? For me, these categories work.  Hopefully, they will work for you.  If not, you can hate me.

“Carson Confrontation.”  Carson is the guy who approaches each conversation like a war.  He doesn’t just want to argue his point, he also wants to argue yours.  He wants not only to prove he’s right, he wants to prove you’re wrong…and ignorant to boot.  Carson doesn’t speak, he screams.  Carson believes volume will outweigh his lack of facts.  Carson very seldom has facts.  He picks a position that fits his mood and runs with it…usually over the person in front of him.  Carson throws his arms, stands with his feet apart and moves into the space occupied by the person he’s confronting.

How do you get along with Carson?  By confronting him.  Do not run away from his bluster.  If the facts are in your favor…argue them…loudly.  Imitate his body language.  Stand your ground.  You might not win the battle, but you can win the war.  Confrontationists expect to run over people.  They developed their personality for a reason.  They grudgingly respect someone who fights back.  Also, the confrontationist likes to win every argument.  If he knows you will argue back, he will choose another target.  Just make sure you have your facts totally correct.  If you’re wrong on one tiny thing, he will harp on it forever.

“Kristi Know-It-All.”  Kristi has all the answers.  You have none.  She’s sure of it and will make you aware of it early in any discussion.  Kristi will interrupt any explanation on your part and say, “I know that won’t work.”  You can explain all you want, but it does no good.  She’s quick to point out all of her experience, her education and her intelligence in killing your ideas with a broad stroke, never getting around to specifics.  You can’t argue with her because she’s unwilling to listen.  She’s the program director who tells you a record won’t work on her radio station.  Period.  If you’re foolish enough to ask why, she’ll tell you it’s because she knows how to program her radio station and you know nothing about it.

How do you crack this nut?  By carefully doing your homework.  Find out what Kristi wants and provide accurate information that will lead her to her own conclusions.  Deal with her by letters and memos.  Kristi read more than the average person.  This is one of the reasons she thinks she knows it all.  She hates confrontation.  Outline, in writing, how your proposal will lead her to the decision she wants to make.  Then she’ll believe you’re almost as well-read and intelligent as her.  This is a double-edged sword, for she might make you a compatriot.  Then you’ll have to sit through long discussions while she tries to prove how smart she is.

“Annette Agreeable.”  Annette agrees with almost everything anyone says.  Annette doesn’t often offer an opinion of her own.  Annette hasn’t heard a record she doesn’t like.  Ask her about one of yours and she’ll probably answer in the positive.  She’s quick to let you pay for dinner or trips or anything else.  She hugs you when you meet because you’re one of her close friends.  She’s the epitome of the phrase, “It looks good for next week.”  It’s easy for Annette to forget about your record or your request as soon as you’ve left her because it’s a pretty good bet that Annette hasn’t listened to a word you said.  Annette also has another person to see right after you.  It’s impossible to pressure Annette into a decision on the spot.  You wind up feeling so positive about your proposition that you’re astounded when what you’ve proposed doesn’t happen.  If you confront her on your confusion, she’ll probably just smile and, “We’ll take care of it next time.”

Annette is a tough one.  Your best bet is to schedule your meeting or call with her as close to her decision time as possible.  If you’re the last one giving her advice, she’s more apt to remember a little of what you said.  If you’re trying to get a record played, call her often and at the last minute.  If you get her just before she does the list, you’ve got a shot.

“Andy Avoid-And-Deny.”  Andy is the worst.  He’s quick to pick up on something you supposedly said or did and hold it against you.  For no reason that you know of, Andy will refuse your calls.  He will put you off forever and then when you finally get the opportunity to talk, he will deny that anything was ever wrong.  He has every excuse for not taking your calls, none of which are the real reason.  When you see him, he’ll act like one of your closest friends…the not take your calls again for days or weeks at a time.

How do you deal with him?  You don’t.  He has a small group of support people who feel the same way. They would rather talk among themselves and criticize others rather than work productively.  Get someone else to pitch your case.  It’s the only way.  And when he finally comes around…suck up.

Then go home and hate yourself.  It’s part of your job!

Shut Up And Deal

8/25/1995

The hustlers and hookers they filled the room…down at the place they call the Spanish Moon…

Big John waved a hand in front of his face.  “I can’t breathe from all of the smoke in here.”

I got up to open the doors leading into the backyard.  The room had started getting cloudy after the first hour of the weekly poker game.

“Fight fire with fire,” Barney growled, tossing a cigar in his direction.

Big John turned up his nose.  “I don’t like smoke.”

“Neither do I,” Barney snarled as he inhaled another Marlboro.  “Shut up and deal.”

Smiley grinned and stared at the lights.

There was whiskey…and bad cocaine…the poison will get you just the same…

“What in the hell is that music?” Big John blared.

“Man, you bitch too much,” Burt grumbled.  He nudged Barney.  “I told you we shouldn’t have invited him.”

“Nobody invited me,” Big John said.  “I just showed up on my own.”

“How’d you know how to get here?”

Big John matched Smiley’s grin.  “I just drove around until I saw all the buzzards circling around this house.  I knew I’d find a bunch of dead losers in here.”

“Man, that’s cold,” Little Stevie One said.

“Shut up, boy,” Big John coughed as he lit the cigar.  “Nobody invited you, either.  You wouldn’t be at this game ’cept you’re visiting from New York.  We’ll take East Coast money anytime.”

“Don’t break hard on my buddy,” Little Stevie Two jumped in.  “I invited him.”

“You shut up, too,” Big John spat.  He cast a derisive glance at the two Stevies.  “I don’t know why we let radio people in this game anyhow.”

“So we can take your money legally,” Little Stevie One said as he threw five white chips into the middle of the table. “Ante up.”

“All you guys can it!” I put in my money.  “That’s getting awfully close to business talk.  One more slip and it’ll cost you fifty dollars.”

“The hell you say.” Big John made the pot right.  “Besides, you’ve got this music playing.  I’m sure that’s a subliminal message your subtle, skinny ass is trying to get across.”

“It’s Little Feat, you idiot,” Burt laughed.  “It’s so old, you worked it at Columbia.”

Big John slapped his hand down.  “That is business talk, boy, put fifty in the middle.”

Burt flipped him off.

“Play cards,” Johnny C said from the corner.

“Play cards?” Barney lit another cigarette.

“You’ve been in the deep freeze ever since you won the first two pots.  Why don’t you try staying in a hand for a change?  You’ll never make it to the car with all that money anyhow.”

I checked my hole cards and made a Plen bet.

“What’s the game?” Big John asked.

“Seven card Macintosh, high-low, two spit cards and you can buy a card for twenty.”

Big John made a face.  “How do you play?”

“Just call the two dollars and we’ll teach you as you go along,” I told him.

“I’ll be damned if I’ll do that,” Big John cried.  “All you guys want is my money.”

“You sound surprised.”

Big John shook his head.  “Nope, just hurt.”

“You keep playing all those hands and you’re really going to get hurt,” Kevin snickered.

Big John gave him a look.  “When I want your opinion, hot shot, I’ll beat it out of you.”

“Come on,” Barney snapped, “bet or fold.”

Big John’s eyebrows twitched and he shot a quick glance in Kevin’s direction.  He threw two chips in the pot and said, “I’ll bet a Seaweed.”

“Foul, damn it!” Johnny C yelled.  “He’s talking business.”

“Fifty bucks, Big John,” I said.  “You know the rules.”

Big John shrugged his shoulders and put in fifty.  “It was worth it.”

“Call the Seaweed,” Smiley said, “And raise you a Lenny Kravitz.”

Before Johnny C could object, Plen tossed in another fifty.

“This is getting bad,” Little Stevie Two said.

Barney studied his cards, pursed his lips and reached for another cigarette.

“You gonna bet or look at those cards all night?” Burt asked.

Barney reached for his chips.  “Call the Seaweed and Lenny Kravitz,” he paused dramatically, “and raise a Prince and a Tom Petty.”

Kevin threw his cards down.  “This is really getting out of control.”

“Hey, I’m paying the tab,” Barney said as he threw in one hundred dollars.

Burt folded.

“What’s up with you?” Big John asked.

“They’re already playing all of my records.”

Cards turned and the chips piled up in the middle.  The table got tense.  Smiley wasn’t smiling.  Johnny C was in the freezer.  Big John held his cards closer than a newborn child.

“Showtime,” Smiley said.   “Let’em flop.”

Little Stevie One already had the lock low.  It was a matter of who would split the pot with him…Big John or Little Stevie Two.

“Read’em and weep,” Big John cried.  “Full house…Aces over Queens.”  He reached for his share of the money.

“Not so fast,” Little Stevie Two said.

The table quieted down once more.  All eyes were on the second Stevie. He played the moment like a maestro.

“Turn’em over,” Barney ordered.

Little Stevie Two did.  “A blaze,” he said proudly.

Big John stared at the cards.  “A blaze?” he yelled.  “What the hell is a blaze?”

“Three diamonds, two hearts,” Little Stevie Two answered.

Big John’s face turned beet red.  He leaned back in his chair and bit his lip.  While the two Stevies split the pot, Big John opened his mouth a time or two to say something, but never did.

Finally, he leaned over and whispered in my ear.  “Does a blaze beat a full house?”

I nodded.  “It does in this game…as long as a radio guy is holding it.”

He shook his head.  “That don’t hardly seem right.”

I shrugged.  “So, what are you going to do?”

He was quite for a moment, then began shuffling the cards.  “Shut up and deal.”

Rules And Regs, Part II

8/4/1995

Programming a radio station correctly is a very fine art…mastered by few…misunderstood by many.

This is the second in a two-part series dealing with a part of the art form: the programming playbook.  Last week we reprinted the first part of a playbook I began while programming the RKO chain.  It dealt with the philosophy behind a winning station.  This week, on the following pages, you’ll find specific guidelines for the mechanics of the format.

Many of the “rules” don’t apply today and it is important that you don’t take this playbook as gospel.  You should compile your own.  Establish your rules and philosophy based on your specific needs and the needs of your station.  Having an overall game plan on paper can only make you a better programmer.  It will also make your staff better because their instructions are clear and your expectations of them are in black and white.

Playbooks, game plans, written instructions and memos are all good.  They are, in fact, almost irreplaceable.  However, much more is needed to establish a winning attitude that transfers to the on-air sound.  Don’t get lost in the planning.  Make sure that your station sounds right.  It’s not enough to put your format, ideas and ideals down on paper.  You have to make sure the format, ideas and ideals are joined by a staff that will take your written animation and make it come alive.

Interaction with the air staff is a key to becoming a winning program director.  This is not to say that you should make bosom buddies with the air talent.  There should never be a misunderstanding as to who is the boss.  However, members of your team should want to work with you, not just carry out your edicts because it’s a job.  Whether or not your staff wants to work with you is up to you.  You must set the tone.

It is your job to meet with corporate executives within your company.  It is your job to deal with the paperwork and politics that are part of programming in the 90s.  It’s the job you’ve chosen.  It is also an important part of your job to insulate your staff from the corporate paperwork and politics.  Don’t treat air talent the way you are treated by corporate executives.  They aren’t a part of the mix.  When you meet with your staff, don’t portray the image to them.

Weekly air check sessions are almost mandatory.  Your staff needs to know that you are listening and that you care.  I always enjoyed meetings where air checks were played and critiqued in front of the entire staff.  This satisfies several goals: each member of the staff knows what you expect from all the others…not just them personally; other members can learn from the mistakes or the perfect breaks of others; each person can critique others.  In years of doing air check sessions with the entire staff, I learned more from the members of my staff than they learned from me.  It’s also a time where the staff can gang up on the PD to bitch about aspects of the format that they might not bring up in individual sessions.

Open air check sessions also create a spirit of comradery within the staff.  It’s all for one and one for all.  It also makes each a better jock.  Knowing that your air check will be played and critiqued in front of the whole group makes each member a little sharper while they are on the air.

Individual air check sessions should take place once a month.  It’s important that every member of your staff have time for some one-on-one instruction.  It’s also a time for individuals to bring up specific problems they want to discuss in private.  When you have these private meetings, make the jock your center of attention.  Don’t take any calls or conduct other business.  You might be extremely busy, but set everything else aside.  Let the jocks know they are important to you and that the meeting is a top priority.

In these private meetings, allow individuals to express their feelings about their working conditions without fear of reprisal.  Input is particularly important to a good program director.  If you ask for input, don’t get angry if the input isn’t necessarily what you want to hear.  Don’t take it personally.  Didn’t you bitch about the boss before you became one?  Bitching is an important part of an air talent’s life.  Let them vent their frustrations.  Often, they want no specific action taken, they just want to know you will listen to what they perceive as problems.

Also try and buy lunch or dinner for each member of your staff once a month.  It’s important that they be able to meet with you outside the confines of the radio station.  No business should be discussed.  This is just a relaxed, social, feel-good meal.

Being an air personality is psychologically one of the hardest jobs in the world.  Not only do they want to be the best in their market in their time period, they also want to be the best on their station.  This can create conflicts within the staff.  It is up to you, as the PD, to control the individual egos without breaking anyone in the process.  Listen to a jock’s concerns.  Take time to explain your objectives.  Point out what you need from each shift and why one particular person works in a time slot while another doesn’t.  Patience is not a strong suit with most jocks.  Try and instill this virtue by building up their confidence and sharing our belief in their ability.  If the situation warrants, give the jock a timetable as to when a change in the situation will occur.  Maybe it’s as simple as moving the jock into another shift when someone resigns.  If you expect no staff changes be up front with the jock and explain the facts.  Offer to find the jock another job in a different market if the situation is untenable.  This usually has a calming, if not chilling, effect.

Jocks have personal problems with others for reasons that have nothing to do with air shifts.  As PD, you’re working with highly combustible, if also very fragile, egos.  Everyone doesn’t like everyone else.  If some member of your staff is bitching about another individual’s problems, try something I used a lot.  Tell the jock, “I know Darrell is having a hard time in this area.  What can you and I do to help him?”  This makes the one bitching a part of the solution, not a part of the problem.

If these suggestions don’t help you, if your staff still doesn’t respond, if you use all of my suggestions and some of your own ideas and nothing works, you always have another alternative:  Replace them all with people who will listen.

Hey, it worked for me!

Clap For The Wolfman

7/14/1995.

The Good Lord called Charlie Minor into his office last week.

“Charlie,” God said with a frown, “you’re doing a great job getting all of our records on Clear Channel, but the people of Heaven aren’t buying any at our superstores.”

“Hey, buddy,” Charlie answered, motioning his entourage of angels toward the juice bar, “I can only do so much.  That Clear Channel 1 might reach everyone forever, but it’s boring.  We need to add some pop…some sizzle…something to get the listeners excited about the music.  Now, it just sounds like Muzak.  We need somebody to sell the music.”

God stroked his beard.  “Who do you suggest?”

Charlie waved his hands in the air.  “there’s only one person.  Wolfman Jack.”

God frowned again and the heavens crackled with lightning and thunder.  “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Charlie’s smile lit up the room as he headed for the door, three angles on each arm.  “Hey, buddy, that’s what you’ve got me for.

I don’t remember how old I was when I first heard Wolfman Jack on the radio.  Having been born and raised in a tiny town in Mississippi, it was hard to get any station after the sun went down, much less any station that played the kind of music I wanted to hear. I was into R&B long before I knew what it was.  I only knew that my father didn’t want that kind of music played in the house.  And that make it important.

All day long, I would listen to Hank Williams, Roy Acuff and the like, but at night, I desperately needed a fix of Rhythm & Blues.  I would get a bottle and a date (in that order), drive to the highest point in the county and start twisting the dial.  The girls weren’t nearly as excited as I was (still aren’t), but went along because they thought I was fun and kind of dangerous (still do).

I had already discovered Big John R on WLAC out of Tennessee, but he was only on for two hours and it wasn’t enough.  So I kept searching the dial, keeping the needle down on the low numbers where the big stations were broadcasting, trying to get a fix.

Suddenly, a howling wolf cry cut through the static.  You cannot imagine the chill that went up my spine when I heard the top-of-the-hour ID.

“Are you wit’ me?  I’m askin’ are you wit’ me?  Aw, come on, babies, put your hand on the radio and feel the luuvv vibrations.  This is Wolfman Jack on XERB Del Rio, Texas!”

A jingle followed sung by Johnny Rivers and a host of other singers.  “Here comes the Wolfman…he understands.”

Then “Ya Ya” by Lee Dorsey.

My life changed at that instant.  I had never heard anything like it in my life.  Sissy Sue was playing with my hair and whispering her best Southern come-on in my ear.  I didn’t care.  This Wolfman Jack from some mysterious place in Texas had transported me into a special world…a world I would never leave.  Sissy Sue, a few years short of becoming Columbia High’s homecoming queen (and already displaying a couple of attributes that would later make her a lock on the crown), may as well have been a figment of my imagination.  I didn’t care.  I was waiting for the Wolfman’s next break.

“That was `Ya Ya,”’ Wolfman yelled, “by Lee Dorsey.  How you like the Wolfman so far baby?”  His voice dropped into a now familiar purr.  “Have mercy, baby!  Who’s this on the Wolfman’s telephone?”  Then he yelled again.  “Are you nekkid?”

Sissy Sue never got it, but I did.  She married well, has four or five kids she’s hoping to get into Ole Miss on scholarships.  I’ve been hooked on the drug I got from Wolfman Jack the first time I heard him selling music and “…Holy Water blessed by the saints of Jerusalem.”  When Sissy Sue heard about Wolfman’s passing, she called.  She finally got it.  Her husband didn’t understand.  He vaguely remembered a husky, bearded dude that hosted The Midnight Special.  Me?  I lost a friend.  And something much more.

A part of radio left with Wolfman Jack, but the loss will be felt outside of radio.  We lost an important part of Americana.  We lost a bit of our youth.  We lost a lot of our audio excitement.  For millions of teenagers in California who heard him nightly on XERF and millions in the Southwest tuning in XERB, Woflman Jack was radio.  And man, could he move records.  If the Wolfman played it, you wanted to go right out and buy it.

Radio passed Wolfman Jack a long time ago.  It’s not something we should be proud of.  We are too often accused of sounding boring…identical…automated.  Wolfman Jack was none of these.  Cookie-cutting programmers are too quick to copy rather than strive to be unique.  Instead of finding a place for Wolfman Jack, we cut him out.  In doing so, we’ve created a huge void.  Not so much for Wolfman.  He always did all right.  But for the next Wolfman.

I was lucky.  I got to meet Robert Weston Smith, a.k.a.  Wolfman Jack, long before his debut in American Graffitti.  I was afraid that meeting him would destroy forever the image I had painted in my mind of that magical person who helped change my life.  I shouldn’t have worried.  Wolfman Jack in the flesh was everything and more that he was coming through those three-inch speakers in the ‘60s.

I hired Wolfman to do nights on KHJ in Los Angeles.  We had the deal all worked out.  I even managed to stretch the restrictive RKO format to allow him the latitude to be himself, but restrictions still applied.  The day before the promos were due to hit the air, Wolfman came to see me.  In his famous gravelly voice, he told me he couldn’t take the job.  He had done his act so long, he was afraid he just couldn’t come close enough to the format to make us both happy.

“Baby,” he said, “I would rather turn down this job than jeopardize our friendship.”

In the end, it all turned out for the best.  Wolfman syndicated a weekend show and we ran it on KHJ.  He eventually made 10 times what I would have paid him…and we remained friends

So Wolfman Jack got the gig on the big station in the sky where he can dictate the format.  It was just a matter of time.  The Wolfman was only on the air once a week.

Heaven needed to hear him a lot more often that that.  Let’s all give one last clap for the Wolfman.

KFRC Playbook

7/12/1995

Many of you have asked the “secret” of the success of KFRC while I was the program director. There was no one “thing” that made KFRC as success. It was a combination of talent, signal, promotions and music. But the biggest element that made KFRC successful was the consistency of the sound. Now matter what time you tuned in, you knew it was KFRC. A big part of the consistency of KFRC was derived from everyone playing by the same book…the KFRC Playbook…a part of which I share with you this week. It is a combination of everything I learned about radio programming. These are my thoughts, combined with the special people I worked with along the way: Paul Drew and Buzz Bennett to name the most important. It’s part of the recipe for the “Gumbo” that made KFRC what it was. Enjoy:

The following information is provided to help you understand the basics of the KFRC format.  The easiest thing to do is read the material once and never pick it up again.  It is to your benefit, however, to read this book once each week…every week…so the basics will become a part of your on-air procedure.

This information covers all the essentials of the KFRC format.  You won’t find a formal ending.  The evolution of and changes to the format will necessitate additions to the playbook.

The playbook is broken into two parts: philosophy and mechanics.  The mechanics and philosophy are interwoven.  One without the other is worthless.  Understanding the philosophy behind the mechanics will make the format succeed because it is the sum of all of the parts that will spell success for you and KFRC.  It is important for you to understand the philosophy.  It is imperative that you take care of each formatical rule.  Knowing where your final destination is won’t get you there unless you take the right road and make all the correct turns.  Knowing that San Francisco is in Northern California is useless unless you know how to get there.  We must know where we’re going and what we have to do to get to our final destination.  We must understand the philosophy and apply the mechanics to make the philosophical idea a practical reality.

The format makes the sound smooth and consistent.  The audience doesn’t know our rules and restrictions.  However, the audience can feel our total impact.  The philosophy behind KFRC should translate into a feeling…a feeling we must have and share with our listeners.  We call this feeling “the X factor.”

The key to attaining the X factor lies in how we apply the mechanics of the format in relation to the philosophy.  We can’t just follow the rules.  That would be automation.  We must reach and maintain the X factor by combining our own personalities within the framework of the format.  Humanism is the key.  Humanism must created within the basics of the format.  If your individual feelings transcend the format, we fail.  If your individual feelings mesh with the format, the, and only then, will you be able to rise above the mechanics of the format to attain success.  Being creative and individualistic within the format is the mark of a true professional.  Only you can do it!

The basic philosophy of KFRC is to interface humanism with the format to achieve the feeling that motivates our listeners to be proud that KFRC is their favorite station.

On the subject of humanism, we get into the problem of defining what it is and what it isn’t.  We must evaluate and re-define that word as it directly relates to the job we are trying to do.  In order to understand it properly, we must break it down into different verbalizations.

The term “humanism” isn’t quite enough.  We must go further and emit the feeling of positive humanism as opposed to negative humanism.  When you are on the air, you must create a little bit more than just humanism…it must be positive humanism.  If a jock was terminally ill and went on the air and slowly died, it would be realistic, but it would also be a total negative and would not produce a positive feeling (that in turn would produce positive ratings).  Are you getting the picture?

One of the primary points of humanism is authenticity.  Authenticity must be combined with honesty, warmth and openness without losing the spark and momentum necessary to create the quarter-hour maintenance based on the feeling that something is coming.

There is a strong significance of listening.  In turn, there is s strong significance of feeling and thinking, rather than just speaking.  Feeling and thinking is necessary in our day when hypotheses about what might be are more interesting than what is or what has been.  In a world of continuous change, the past becomes less relevant to current problems.  Cultural shifts are obvious, so we as leaders must constantly change.  Social order must be conceived of in terms of process, rather than structure.  This requires functional individuals to be general in their quest rather than specific subject-matter specialists.  Since we have continuous change, our organization will be set be up in the same way.

We must have goals, but we must have communicating members whose help is needed and utilized to reach those goals.  We, as leaders (that means all of us), must constantly be open to feedback, especially from our subordinates or our peers. We must negotiate and arrive at mutually acceptable goals, understood by all, creating an informal organization led by human realtors thinking over their specific areas.  This we must do to create, because creativity is the bringing together of unlike elements joining into a new event.

Real people are listening to you.  You must communicate with them.  The “boss Jock” syndrome seems to have influenced the great majority of modern radio personalities to talk down to people, talk at people, to enunciate and just not be themselves.  The one-on-one relationship is essential to furnish the feeling our potential listeners are seeking.  They are seeking to relate, to know that there is someone else like them.  The fact is: We’re always talking to somebody.  We are not reading, not shouting memorized lines.  We’re talking to important people. Whatever is said must be meant.  The time, a liner, your name…everything…and particularly the most important message of all: KFRC.

Now that you have the general philosophy, it is important that you carry out each segment of the format.  To succeed, we must color each square, fill every hole and touch all the bases so we can get to the top quicker and stay there.  Anyone can do the big things.  It takes a dedicated professional to cover all the little incidentals every day to achieve a degree of consistency that cannot be matched.  Remember where you are and what got you here.  Until you became a part of KFRC, you were working to get here.

You did extra things at smaller stations so you could move on to a bigger and better situation.  Now that you’ve made it here, the motivation you had for doing the extra things may diminish.  You need to constantly analyze your position and establish a new motivation for your continued consistent actions.

There are six main objectives that we must accomplish to establish a cohesive merging of the philosophy and format mechanics.  These are he keys to the kingdom: Desire, Discipline, Excitement, Energy, Realism and Consistency.  They are all basic and equally important.  One without the other may produce a quick inflation, but a quicker deflation.  To achieve these basics, we must break each one down, identify it and determine what we must do to achieve it.

DESIRE

All of us have the desire to be the best or we wouldn’t be here.  However, wanting something badly doesn’t mean you’ll get it.  We must maintain our desire and combine it with the other factors to turn our desire into reality.

Each team in the National Football League begins training camp with a playbook that outlines the team objectives.  No team sets out to be a loser.  Each is dedicated to winning and going to the Super Bowl.  The playbooks define the goal and put forth a plan of action.  Yet after the season, the majority of the teams fall short of their goals.  They didn’t begin the season with the objective of losing.  In the beginning, they all had the desire to be winners but somewhere along the line, they failed in their quest.

Did they lose their desire? I don’t think so.  They failed to combine their desire with a daily intensity necessary to make their desire a reality.

We must never lose our desire and we must maintain a daily intensity on the little things that will get us to Super Bowl.

DISCIPLINE

It’s easy to do a great show when everything is going right and you’re feeling good.  It’s tough when you feel terrible and everything is going wrong.  You must discipline yourself to achieve the goal of a great show, no matter the circumstances.  It takes discipline to push the positives and overcome any negative feelings that might make your show less than it should be.  You’re part of one of the best staffs in the country.  Consequently, you must discipline yourself to achieve a maximum effort every time you’re on the air

We depend on each other for our total success.  Our audience judges all of us.  If we have one weak link, we all suffer.

You must make yourself do all of the little things that by themselves might mean very little, but when added together, make you and KFRC the best.  Discipline yourself to come in early, take the extra time to make a spot sound better, make yourself read over each piece of live copy before going on the air so you’ll get it perfect, re-write the liners and PSAs, prepare your show to make sure you have the proper music balance.

In short, discipline consists of making yourself do all of the little things that we sometimes think we’re too good to do.  Don’t forget that doing the little things to make yourself better is what got you here in the first place.

Discipline yourself to achieve your best, because on KFRC, the worst you should ever sound is great!

EXCITEMENT AND ENERY

The two are closely related.  Excitement causes a burst of energy.  Energy creates excitement.  Think of it this way: Excitement is scoring a touchdown; energy is lining up, waiting for the snap, knowing you’re going to score.

We must generate a feeling of excitement by being excited ourselves.  Our listeners don’t hear excitement; they feel it.  You cannot be excited all of the time, but you can maintain a high energy level that will enable the audience to get a positive charge from you.

Each of us must maintain the energy level in our own way.  We all react differently.  It’s up to you to involve yourself in KFRC in such a way that the feeling of energy is passed on to the audience.

It is important that you maintain a positive energy level on the air.  It is equally important that you maintain a positive energy level off the air.  If you push positive feelings, those around you will be positively charged.  Negative feelings will be similarly passed along.  So work toward charging the on-air sound, the people around you, the rooms and halls of KFRC!

REALISM

We must all strive to be individuals on the air, within the boundaries of the format.  The era of the “boss Jock” has been over for quite some time.  People are listening to you to hear what you have to offer.  If the format was the only key to success, KFRC would be automated.  It takes real people talking to real people to achieve that realism that will allow you and KFRC to rise above the mathematics of the format and attain total success.  We know what realism is, but again, it’s important to redefine the term as it relates directly to our jobs.

On KFRC, realism is being yourself with an “air” of carny.

When you’re talking with one person, you tend to lay back, talk softly and emphasize very few words because you don’t need to be animated.  The person you’re talking with is listening to you and will miss very little of what you say.  You are the center of attention.  Do this on KFRC and you die.  But if you over-emphasize some things, enunciate more distinctly and talk louder, you’re not being real, right:   Wrong!  When you’re talking with a group of people in your living room, you talk louder, over-emphasize some things and, in general, try and express yourself in a more dominating way because you’re trying to hold the attention of several people.  You’re still being real; you’re a little more animated.

That’s the feeling we must strive for on the air: realism, with a bit of animation.  It’s a fine line, but we must find it.  When you make a statement, your listeners won’t believe it unless you do.  Convince yourself!  When you’ve convinced yourself, your listeners will believe it… because it is the truth!

When you walk through a carnival, you hear the barkers shouting, “Hurry, hurry, hurry!  You can’t lose.  Step right up and win a prize!”  You might step right up, but you know you’re going to be ripped off because the barker has already told you so.  Not by his words, but by the way he said them.  We must find the line of realism with excitement and every…not the carnival rip off.

CONSISTENCY

Consistency is the combination of all of the above on a daily basis.  It’s covering all of the basics, all of the time.  Doing this makes the basics become automatic, giving us the freedom to develop ourselves in greater ways.  By covering the basics every day, they become good habits.  Once they become habits, you don’t have to consciously make yourself cover the basics, because you habitually do them.

Remember, at KFRC, it is not enough to just be consistent.  You must be consistently great.

Now that you have the total picture, go over this playbook every week.  Understand the importance of each particular fact.  Dedicate yourself to perfecting every part of the format and philosophy so we can have a dynamic station made up of dynamic individuals.

Understand that I expect each of you to be aware of every one of the following formatic rules.  And understand one other thing:  I have the desire, the discipline, the consistency, the realism, the excitement and the energy to make sure you carry them out!

Heroes And Villains

7/7/1995.

I was at the Bobby Poe convention.  Aren’t I always?  Bobby has managed a convention through thick and thin for the past 24 years.  Next year’s Silver Anniversary will mark the swan song of the most remarkable string of conventions this business has ever known.  Twenty four straight years…through good times and bad…through high times and low times.  You can say whatever you want about the Poe Cat, but two things remain constant: He’s still passionate about our business and he’s consistent.

Who else could single-handedly do it for 24 years in a row?

Nobody.

As is always the case, there were heroes and villains at this convention, though nothing as controversial as in some past years.

Hero: WPLJ’s Scott Shannon, whose keynote address was truly exceptional. Scott spoke from the heart about his love of the business…a love we all share but are all too often afraid or embarrassed to verbalize.  One of the most inspiring thoughts he touched on was a sense of sharing what we all owe to others in our business.  We are mainly too busy or impressed with ourselves to spend the time sharing our thoughts and beliefs with those who are new to our business.  It isn’t about textbooks and seminars.  In our industry, especially radio, we learn from others who are doing what we are doing.  If there were more Scott Shannons who would share their knowledge and experiences with those who are attempting to find their way, the path would be much wider.  The only problem with Scott’s speech was that there weren’t enough radio people in the audience to appreciate it.

Villains: Those in our business (and in the halls and lobby at the convention center) who were too busy putting down others instead of trying to gain a positive experience.  Why some must be quick to criticize is beyond me.  Our business is so difficult that we should stand and applaud anybody who is doing well.  Those who gossip and back-bite will feed on their own negative thoughts and voices and, fortunately for the rest of us, remain in the halls and lobbies and will never make it inside the ballrooms of success.

Heroes: Andrea Ganis, Danny Buch, Monte Lipman and the rest of the Atlantic staff who put together a miracle.  Who would have thought anyone could convince the majority of those attending the convention that a bus ride would be the “in” thing to do? But there we all were, lined up like a bunch of 12-year-olds, ready, if not anxious, to go to “Camp Hootie.”  Through no fault of their own (terrible weather, a jack-knifed trailer truck on the interstate, etc.), the 45-munute bus ride turned into two hours and 15 minutes.  Why worry? Would you rather be in the lobby dodging people you didn’t want to talk with anyhow?  We’re out of beer! No problem.  Monte is off the bus at an intersection, dodging through traffic to make it to the 7-11.  Before the light changes, he’s back with six cold cases.  And even after all of the delays and rain, the members of Hootie & The Blowfish spent a leisurely hour talking, signing autographs and taking pictures with all who wanted. We even sang camp songs on the ride back!

Villains:  The members of Congress who were given VIP seating to see for themselves exactly what the record business was all about.  For the most part, they were no-shows.  I guess they compared the concert with a vote on some legislation and chose to abstain.  Maybe we can cut them some slack.  The weather was dreadful and they weren’t invited on the bus.

Hero:  Eddie Money, who withstood the rigors of a cocktail party in his honor.  He managed to smile and shake hands and pretend to be interested in every person who walked through the door.  And since I know Eddie, I know he wasn’t pretending.  He’s a trooper.  And a friend to radio.  Is there a program director out there who hasn’t asked Eddie for something and had him not come through?  If you aren’t playing his record, you should be ashamed.  He’s one we owe.  Pay him back.

Hero: Columbia’s Jerry Blair, who guided three cows through the lobby and to the pool to promote Buckshot LeFonque.  Is there anyone but Blair who could have pulled it off with such panache?  Is it true that there was a party later with the herd in his suite:  Is there a Page 6 picture floating around somewhere?

Villains:  The security guards and hotel manager who went apoplectic.  At least they didn’t shoot anybody.

Hero:  The Poe Cat himself.  For 24 years, Bobby has been sponsoring a golf tournament, but he never played.  Bobby began taking lessons last summer and for the first time, entered his own tournament.  I had the “privilege” of playing with him in the first group.  Things were going well until the 18th hole.  It’s a little dog-leg left with a four-lane highway running beside it Bobby’s first shot was right down the middle, but his second got away from him.  It was a mighty slice that cut over the trees, bounced in the middle of the road, through an Exxon station on the other side and finally came to rest in the flower bed.  I must admit, there was a bit of money riding on the outcome and our hopes looked slim.  Bobby said, “we concede nothing,” then took off across the highway, a five-wood in his hand.  Our partners protested, but Poe accurately pointed out that there were no out-of-bounds stakes next to the road and he would “by God” play the damned ball with no penalty.  He took and arrogant stance, roses tugging at his knees, bit his lower lip and loosed a terrific swing.  From a cloud of dirt and shreds of flowers, the ball took off.  It was low.  Headed right for the Corvette with the big guy pumping gas.  At the last second, it curved upward, just missing the pumps.  It continued to soar over the four lanes of traffic. Clipped the top of the trees lining the fairway and dropped down a mere 100 yards from the green.

Unfortunately, by the time Bobby finished putting, he had wasted a few more strokes.  He evidently needed a bigger challenge than just some sand traps.  When he finally holed out, he looked at me, winked and said, “That was a hell of an eight!”

No doubt about it, Bobby.  It was the best I’ve ever seen.

And so was the convention.

Press!

6/23/1995

I was in trouble early.  And I knew it.  I had journeyed to Nashville to play golf with my good friends Wynn Jackson and James Stroud.  I use the word “friends” advisedly.  When you’re deep in the heart of Dixie and playing golf for cash money, your friends are more apt to chop you up than your enemies.  Down here, everyone carries a razor.

Our other two playing companions were Dirt and Herky. Now the first rule of golf is:  “Never play for money against strangers with nicknames.”  I never gave it a thought.  I was in Nashville to have a good time.  Besides, I was with friends.

I drove the first ball of the morning right down the center of the fairway.  I was posing like TV Tommy when I heard Dirt say, “Damn, boy, that’s stouter than a bay mule.”

I reach for my wallet, but it was too late. If I hadn’t known it already…I’d been had.

I told Stroud I wanted to play for an ad in the Country Network and he said that was fine and, of course, we would press on the fly.

Press on the fly?  I had never heard this one, but I didn’t want to sound too ignorant so I agreed.  I figured I would find out what it meant soon enough.  I figured right.

I was feeling pretty good about the drive, but the second shot left a lot to be desired.  Short and left.  I had a bad case of the pull hooks and I know I’d have to hunker down or I would be on the way to the cash machine in a hurry.  As the ball spun toward a lake that my partner had “forgotten” to tell me about, Stroud said, “Press.”

“You can’t press on the first hole,” I protested as my ball headed for splash-down.

Stroud smiled, “Press on the fly.  Anytime your opponent’s ball is in the air, you can press.  It doubles the bet.”

I bogeyed the first two holes and the Nashville contingency was grinnin’ like mules eatin’ briars.  Herky got on his cellular phone and a couple of holes later, two more people had driven out to join us.  Evidently the news was traveling fast.  There was a “suspect” in from Hollywood with a pocketful of cash and a shaky game.

I was introduced to Booger and Juice.  Since Booger had the first finger of his left hand buried in his nose halfway to his cerebellum, I knew how he got his nickname.  Juice I wasn’t sure about.

“Gerry’s in all the usual games,” Stroud said.  “He especially likes to press on the fly.”

Booger and Juice couldn’t have been happier.

Around hole number seven, the sun finally broke through the humidity and it started to really heat up.  Dirt allowed how he was “sweatin’ like a hillbilly at a spellin’ bee.”

I pulled another one dead left off the tee.

“Press,” everybody said.

I was struggling and they were loving it.  And the truth was, so was I.  It was a beautiful day.  I was playing golf. I was in the South.  Hell, I was home.

Juice had stuck a wad of chewing tobacco the size of a softball into his left cheek a while back and I now knew where he got his nickname. Along with the chewing habit, Juice also had a rather large stomach.  When he spit his ruminations, most of it got on the front of his shirt.

Wonderful.

Juice explained his colorful golf shirts.  If you get a stain on your shirt, there is a guy who paints the shirt, incorporating the stain into the design.

The painter must do a helluva business in Nashville.

By the time we made it to the 10th tee, I was down $1,200.  I figured I had these boys just where I wanted them.  A double-shot of Jack Daniels at the turn had solved the hook.  The boys fell all over themselves when I doubled the bet.

Fools.  They forgot I was born in Mississippi.

About four holes into the back side, they were quiet.  Herky was mumbling to Dirt, Juice and Booger were arguing about what club to hit and Stroud had cancelled his business with Wynn for inviting me.

I kept yelling, “Press!”

By the time we got to 18, it was dead even.  I teed it up and quacked it dead left in the tall weeds by the edge of a small creek.  Nobody even whispered the “P” word.  I’d been playing so well, they didn’t want to take a chance.

I waded into the weeds, searching for my ball.

“Watch out for them cottonmouths,” Booger grinned.  “They’ll sting you if they get a chance.”

I was ankle-deep in branch water, searching for the lost Titlist, when I saw the snake cutting through the water like a speedboat, mouth gaping, heading right for my ball.

Without thinking, I swung the 4-iron.  There was a mighty splash and the snake flew out of the creek, straight toward Stroud.  It was the only shot I didn’t hook all day.

“Press!” Booger hollered

Stroud stood rooted in his tracks, eyes as wide as the moccasin’s mouth.  The snake wrapped around his neck, then slid down inside the back of his shirt.

He did a quick two-step, spun into a stomp then fell into a sand trap and broke into a full Watusi.  He was on his back, legs and arms flailing, screaming for all he was worth.

“Help me, somebody help me,” he wailed.  “The snake bit me!  I’m gonna die…I’m gonna die!”

Dirt, who had witnessed the entire episode, ran over.  “Stop acting like a baby, Jimmy James,” he snapped.  “You ain’t gonna die.  I’ll just suck out the poison.  Where’d you get bit?”

“On my ass,” James cried.

Dirt shook his head.  “Boy, you’re gonna die.”  He walked slowly back to the cart.

Stroud didn’t die.  The snake was dead before it left my club.  When it slid down James’ back, he freaked out and jumped around so much, the money-clip in his back pocket slipped off the big wad of cash he was carrying around and pinched him on the butt.

When it was all said and done, no money changed hands.  There was a big argument about whether or not I should be assessed a stroke because I played the snake out of a hazard.  It was decided that I wouldn’t be penalized since Stroud wasn’t disqualified for hitting my ball.  That was when he beat the lifeless snake after it slid out of his pants.

The moral of this story?  If you ever go to Nashville to play golf with anyone in the “music bidness,” take a fishing pole.

There are a lot of barracudas down there.