Tractor Pull

2/17/1995

My daddy said, “Son, put your guitar down. We’ve got to build some fence, got to plow some ground.” I told my daddy, “Try and understand, this John Deere tractor don’t fit my plan.” And I hit the road, chasin’ down a dream and I need a little help. I’m trying to get to New Orleans.

New Orleans…it’s more than a place. It’s a feeling…with atmosphere so thick you can almost touch it…a total sensory experience.

New Orleans…Gay ’90s hackney coaches minded by sleepy, ancient handlers who guide the old mules almost as well as they tell tales that weave the real history of the Vieux Carre with the legends handed down through generations and sometimes made up on the fly to fit the mood of the clientele.

New Orleans…Jackson Square and the flagpole in the park that marks the meeting place of pirates who once visited this mystical place years ago and now where lovers circle hand-in-hand in a ritual mating dance in between the winos who stagger or sleep at will. The Cathedral of St. Louis, King of France, looms over the entrance as it did when Walt first visited and later modeled the Disneyland Castle after its architecture.

One can lean against the huge, bronze statue of Andrew Jackson and breathe the very lifeblood of the French Quarter…the damp smell of the river that wafts across your face with the ocean breeze that seems to blow constantly, except in the late summer, when nothing moves. With the breeze comes the exciting aroma of Cajun cuisine that boils daily…the sweet basil, thyme and oregano accentuated by the bit of the red, white and black pepper…and the ever-resent Tabasco Sauce that’s made on an island just around the corner. There’s the crisp, mouth-watering scent of the special donuts made at the Café Desmond and covered with enough powdered sugar to induce an instant diabetic coma to even the most healthy individual. Add a strong cup of chicory coffee and you’ll have a rush that can last for weeks.

The most powerful smell, of course, is of stale beer.

Past the café is the famous market in the French Quarter where you can purchase almost anything. It was started long ago by the French and Spanish, then continued by the Cajuns for generations. Now it is almost exclusively the territory of Indians and Arabs…the international traders. It is one of the few places, however, where you can still thump a melon before you buy. If you don’t know the benefit of that practice, never mind.

Sidetracked up in Illinois, I’m not that smart, I’m an innocent boy. She called me baby, she called me Honey, she called a cab and took away my money. On the road again, somewhere south of Moline and I need a little help, you see, I’m trying to get to New Orleans.

New Orleans…home of the French Quarter…possibly the most unique place in the world. A leisurely walk across the cobblestones and you’re immediately transported into another world…or perhaps all the world wrapped into one. The lilt of different dialects filters through the air as tourists and natives amble down the sidewalks. Artists of all kinds fill the streets. Those with brushes paint pictures of Elvis in front of a wrought-iron fence, houses surrounded by wrought-iron fences and just wrought-iron fences. All are hung for potential customers on the wrought-iron fences that line the streets.

There are mimes of all kinds, jugglers, clowns, magicians and bums with attitudes. These are, after all, French Quarter bums who demand a noble acknowledgement of their status.

Don’t know why I gotta go. If I don’t try I’ll never know about e’touffe and Cajun Queens. I need a little help, you see, I’m tryin’ to get to New Orleans.

And the sounds. Ah, the sounds of the French Quarter. The bleeting, billygoat grunts of the barkers enticing the tourists inside to see all kinds of abnormality set the natural rhythm of the music that spills out of nearly every doorway. In the French Quarter, Jazz rules…and Dixieland Jazz is King. The famous Absinthe House, where Louis Armstrong learned his trade is the central point, manned by great, mostly black masters nearly as old as Satchmo. The Duke of New Orleans coaxes magical sounds out of his sax outdoors in the Mediterranean Café, his tempo measured by the house-drawn carriages that clip-clop down the narrow street.

Past the Jazz is the thrill of excitement and danger. Venture too far down Bourbon Street and the beautiful, painted ladies aren’t ladies. Venture further into the darkness and, if you’re lucky, you can view a pagan, Voodoo ritual and watch a live chicken being sacrificed. If your luck turns, you’ll be the chicken.

It is on the far end of Bourbon Street, deep in the bowels of the Vieux Carre, where one can find the den of the famous Miss Rudolph…Queen of the Witch Doctors. Richard Prior paid homage to her on one of his early albums. As one who can testify from experience, you don’t want to go there. Miss Rudolph is a hefty woman of unknown age with the tattoo of an eye on one, huge breast. After you drink one of her potions, that eye will wink. She has a three-legged monkey that bothers everyone who enters…except Miss Rudolph. The fourth, withered monkey-foot dangles from her neck. Miss Rudolph will tell you she can grant you magical, sexual powers. Trust me. She can, but the downside is a bitch. I suffer from spells ever since she scratched me with that monkey-foot at age 16. Years later, I still see the blinking eye.

If you go to New Orleans, you need to remember a few, loose rules: Don’t kiss anyone you aren’t absolutely, positively sure about…remember, this is the place where the Queen of the Mardi Gras is a King. No matter what they say, six raw oysters are enough. Don’t throw Hurricane glasses into the fans at Pat O’Brians. Don’t attempt a morphine buy, no matter what the girl says. And steer clear of the Voodo dens and panel discussions. The ultimate sacrifice isn’t worth it.

I hocked my watch, bought a burger and fries, tried to pretend it was red beans and rice. Midnight in Memphis, hello to Graceland, next stop…Louisiana. I’m on the road chasin’ down a dream. And I need a little help, you see, I’m tryin’ to get to New Orleans.

Calling Out

1/27/1995

A long, long line if formed where there stood only one person (well, two if you count old George) not very many years ago. You know, the ones who claim to have been “Country when Country wasn’t cool.” A strong argument could be made that Country was always cool, but Country music, or more accurately, the number of people who embrace Country music, is growing at an astounding pace. Why?

For this column, two reasons are particularly important. First, Country music, like all music, has gotten better. The production is much smoother and a greater number of people are finding Country music more pleasing than they initially expected.

Another possibility more important reason is that Top 40 radio, with its own problems of fractionalization, caused many listeners to search for a better blend of music. Some of these listeners have gone to Adult Contemporary stations, some have gone to Rap, a lot have gone to Alternative, but the largest percentage of former Top 40 listeners have “Gone Country.”

The phenomenal success of Garth Brooks led to many crossing lines that once were thought uncrossable. Would it surprise you to learn that in a recent survey of those people who love Garth Brooks, one of their other favorite groups was Uriah Heep? That may be the biggest leap of faith, but it’s no jump to say that more people share Country with other types of music than ever before.

It wasn’t too long ago that a Country music listener was a Country music listener. Period. Now, you’ll find sharing and sampling with other formats.

This changed Country radio. Country programmers are no longer competing against their Country competition. Country programmers are competing against all formats for listeners…and in more and more cases, winning…and winning big.

Because of the potential for a larger audience and the broader spectrum of competition, Country radio has become more cautious in music programming. The old days of a promotion person walking into a station with the new George Jones release that hits the air immediately are gone.

Marketing and promotion in Country music have become much more sophisticated. So has programming. And the most sophisticated (and most controversial) portion of programming is call-out research.

Call-our research. These words strike more fear in the hearts of promotion people than, “Maybe next week.” The only other words that have as much impact would be, “You are fired.” For record companies, the next horror movie will be, Friday The 13th, Part 10: Freddie Does Call-Out Research.

Call-out research for Country radio has become an important tool. It’s the only true way to separate the hype from reality. However, call-out research must be a tool…not the be-all and end-all. Call-out research, when done accurately, will give an impression of the people in the data base. That’s all. An impression. And records that tend to test well are the records that are most familiar.

Relying only on call-our research can make you radio station sound older and more predictable. It should be used to make sure your Power records and your Oldies are correct, but call-out research is almost completely unreliable in predicting the success of new music, which is so vital to the Country music format. If it worked, record companies would spend millions on focus groups and never have a stiff.

Because call-out research is so important to Country radio, Network 40 has employed an independent company to provide our readers with a national call-out research chart. We are the only magazine doing this. For a reason. If it is important to our reporters, it is important to us. This call-out research chart will serve as a comparison for those who already have their own research in place. And it can be used as a barometer by those who are, for financial reasons, unable to conduct call-out research on their own.

However, even as Network 40 goes to extraordinary lengths and expense to provide this important call-out information, it is even more important that programmers realize that this research is only one tool to be utilized in making a great radio station. As a Top 40 PD for over 20 years at some of the biggest radio stations in the country, I witnessed what happens when call-out research is given too much weight. The demise of the Mainstream Top 40 format can be blamed, in large part, by those who use call-out research exclusively to program their radio stations. The health and future of any format lies in the ability of that format to expose and break new acts. Failing to do so narrows the list of “acceptable” songs and artists. As the list narrows, even the songs that once tested well begin to burn out and the audience becomes bored and searches for more fertile pastures.

The strength of Country radio lies it its ability to expose new acts, sounds and songs, just as Top 40 once did. If Country programmers focus to much on what not to play rather than what they believe they should play, the Country format runs the risk of repeating the historical demise of Mainstream Top 40.

Call-out research should be used to reinforce your natural programming instincts. The program director who says he can’t depend upon his own musical judgment should perhaps look for a job in sales. You are a programmer because you have the talent…the special, innate ability to choose what is right musically and program successfully to the tastes of your audience. Don’t let an over-reliance on research dilute that talent. Use it to strengthen your ability.

Call-out research didn’t make Garth Brooks the biggest act in the world today. It certainly didn’t predict the success of the biggest selling single of all time, “Achy, Breaky Heart.” It is best used as only one of your many tools. Nothing more…nothing less.

As my Momma said, “Too much of even a good thing is worse than not enough.”

Q And A

1/20/1995

Since the inception of our Country section some months ago, I’ve talked with hundreds of professionals in the radio and record industries about our plans. I’ve shared our ideas and solicited their advice. I’ve also answered lots of questions and it occurred to me that many others, who haven’t had the opportunity to ask, might like some answers.

How many stations will be in the panel? It’s ultimately up to the industry, because Network 40 built its reputation on being the only radio-friendly trade magazine, we don’t want to exclude any radio station from sharing our information and participating in our publication. However, we recognize that the record industry needs a barometer that reflects sales. Network 40 will identify the stations that are programmed aggressively, stimulate record sales and affect other stations. These will be included in our PPW research regardless of market size. Unreliable Arbitron ratings or bogus weighting will not play a part in the final equation.

Since call-out research is becoming a big part of Country programming, how will you reflect its impact?  Network 40 has commissioned one of the largest call-out research projects in the country. The results will be printed weekly. Network 40 will be the only publication providing call-out research. We recognize that call-out research is a big part of Country programming. We want to provide it as a tool to those who can’t afford to do their own and as a comparison to those who have a system already in place.

What’s the big deal about “actual” Plays Per Week as opposed to projections? Reality. Projected plays are just guesses. The industry isn’t interested in guesses; the industry is interested in reality. It’s not how many times you think you’ll play it, but how many times you actually played a record that is important. For years, radio stations provided playlists that were loose guesses about the popularity of records programmed…or in some cases, not programmed. The industry recognized the dishonesty (sometimes inadvertent, sometimes planned) in the system and demanded change. PPWs and BDS made that playlist obsolete and provided the industry with an honest representation of how many times a record was played.

What’s the difference between PPWs and BDS? In a perfect world, there would be little difference in the final tally. However, the world isn’t perfect. Without Network 40’s PPWs, many important stations would not be represented because BDS doesn’t monitor all stations. When technical problems arise, Network 40’s PPWs are critical in determining the exact number of plays records are getting in specific markets. Programmers won’t have to provide station logs to “prove” they’re playing certain records. Reporting actual PPWs to Network 40 provides the perfect balance to BDS. Projections can’t make the same claim.

What’s the difference between Network 40, R&R and Billboard? The biggest difference is that Network 40 is staffed by former programmers who strive to make our publication radio-friendly. Network 40 provides much more than charts. Our publication is full of programming information and news that, hopefully, will make it easier for you to do your job. With exclusive features like “Promotions,” “Programmers Conference Call,” “Station Spotlight” and the interviews (among others), Network 40 is full of helpful, important information found nowhere else. Our editorial content is the sharpest in the business. We integrate articles to help the radio and record industries understand each other better and work together more effectively.

Why do we need another chart? You don’t. The industry needs an accurate chart, provided by radio that is representative of actual plays on radio. That’s Network 40’s PPW chart.

Why did Network 40 decide to do a Country section? For a couple of reasons. First, I love Country music. Second, The Network Magazine Group recognizes the importance of the Country music industry and we believe we are the right entity to represent it. Besides, Network 40, we also publish Album Network, Urban Network and Virtually Alternative. The Country Network is our next, logical step.

Why do you pick on R&R so much? My dissatisfaction with R&R began when I was programming, long before I came to Network 40. I objected to a publication that dictated what I could and couldn’t do. R&R was never a “friend” to the radio or record industries. R&R used both to further its own needs. I objected then and I object now, to the self-proclaimed rules governing reporting status and the make-up of charts. Before Network 40, people criticized R&R quietly because to do so loudly could have disastrous results. Times have changed. The criticisms of R&R on these pages are not mine alone…they are the thoughts of programmers and record executives with whom I speak daily. I don’t purport to be the “conscience” of the industry; I only reflect the opinions of those who share their opinions with me. Besides, if Network 40 doesn’t do it, who will? R&R, with little regard for the interests of either the radio or record industries, has dictated policies and practices for years without fear of retribution. Network 40, with the help and influence of both the radio and record industries, is changing that.

Last but not least, why do you print naked pictures on Page 6? Because people send them to us. However, as more of our readers find them offensive, you won’t see many more. I would say you won’t see any more, but I’ve been promised a shot of a “buck nekid” Nick Hunter. I’m sure you’ll agree that if it arrives, it has to run!

Quack! Quack!

1/13/1995

Charts…charts everywhere a chart, paginating poorly and breaking many hearts. As long as my record moves up, I’ll read the charts.

Everybody sing!

Of course, this Editorial had to be about charts. More specifically, R&R’s charts. Excuse me. R&R’s new and improved charts. In other words, they’ve changed. Again.

It is hard for us not to say, “We told you so.” Too hard, in fact. “We told you so.” Two years ago. It was over two years ago, in fact, when Network 40 began publishing the industry’s first chart based solely on Plays Per Week. R&R laughed.

It wasn’t too long afterwards that the radio and record industries began using the Network 40 PPW chart and BDS as the standard by which record activity was judged.

In several Editorials, Network 40 “suggested strongly” that R&R drop its archaic ways of tabulating the chart and join the industry in publishing charts based solely on Plays Per Week. We even offered R&R the use of PPW without a fee so our entire industry could be standard.

R&R refused. For a while. But when the industry began to move away from R&R’s charts, surprise…R&R began the first of many changes.

R&R graciously took the term “Plays Per Week” without any acknowledgement to Network 40 or a simple, “Thank you.” (We weren’t surprised.) And R&R designed some new charts.

Unfortunately, R&R didn’t design them correctly. So screwed up were the original charts that R&R was forced to change them again and again.

Finally, last week, R&R threw in the towel. They dropped their unreliable weighting system and the even more ridiculous “add factor” and began publishing a chart made up of unweighted Plays Per Week without any add factors or other bogus paraphernalia.

In other words, R&R finally began publishing a chart just like the one Network 40 has been publishing for over two years.

We only have one question to ask. “What took you so long?” After countless Network 40 Editorials, thousands of complaints, several sacrificial lambs and a couple of ownership changes, R&R had another change to get it right. But God bless their pointy little heads, even in a feeble attempt to do too little, too late, R&R still managed to screw up. Twice.

First, R&R admitted that all their charts were inaccurate because of the methodology, weighting, add factors and other bullshit. R&R changed them all. Except the Country chart.

Excuse me? If all the charts are inaccurate because of the methodology, should all the charts be changed? Why is Country unchanged and inaccurate? If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, isn’t it a duck? But R&R didn’t stop there. Instead of including all Top 40 reporters in the “new” chart, those still left in power (if only for a short time) decided to arbitrarily take some stations out of the chart because of their musical stance. In a blatant rip-off of the Monitor, R&R is printing a Pop/CHR chart and a Rhythmic/CHR chart.

Network 40 has no problem with R&R printing two charts. We print several. It’s often important to plot a particular record’s progress by format in different PPW charts. However, our main PPW chart includes all of our reporters.

Why? Simple. Since our inception, Network 40 has been consistent in our belief that a publication should not dictate to the industry it reflects. It is not our job to define a radio station’s format. Nor is it our right. Those who choose to do so are wrong. R&R is wrong.

In their haste to be different, R&R, with another change to get it right, missed again. R&R arbitrarily decided certain stations are Rhythmic (and should be in a different chart) and other are Pop and should remain in the “main” chart.

Who decides what stations go where? It certainly isn’t the stations that make those decisions. We could blame Tony Novia and Kevin McCable, but they’ll both be back in radio soon, so we’ll skip right to the top. It’s a cinch that Erica Farber won’t be returning to radio. In order to successfully return to radio, you have to have been successful in radio. Since Bob Wilson has taken the poison pill, Erica is in charge. Doesn’t everyone feel more secure knowing she’s calling the shots? Her success in radio was marginal. Her knowledge and passion for records is questionable. Maybe R&R should change its name to RA…Radio Advertising. That’s something Erica was good at.

How can R&R arbitrarily leave certain stations as Pop/CHR and throw others out because of the way they lean musically? If stations like Power 106, KMEL and WPGC don’t belong, shouldn’t stations like Z100, WLUM and WEDJ be thrown into another split> Erica? Erica?

Instead of a magazine trying to dictate policy to radio stations, should we instead focus on those programmers who are doing good no matter how their stations lean? Can’t we look at stations like WPLJ, Hot 97 and Z100 in New York, Kiss 108 Boston and Power 106 in Los Angeles and WNNX in Atlanta as a whole; and programmers like Scott Shannon, Steve Smith, Steve Kingston, Steve Rivers, Jay Stevens, Kevin Weatherly, Stevev Perun, Rick Cummings and Brian Phillips as individuals and learn something from all of them?

The programmers and stations mentioned are highly successful with their individual brands of Top 40. Each leans a little (or a lot) toward one type of music. Then there’s Dan Kieley in Omaha successfully playing almost everything. If R&R is to be accurate, a main Top 40 chart should include them all.

The audience doesn’t define their favorite station; they just listen to it. Good music is good music…good radio is good radio.  Shouldn’t radio stations be judged by their success in playing contemporary music as a whole, rather than micro-focused to fit the format of a magazine?

When will R&R learn? Now that Erica Farber is in control, the magazine should drop all charts and focus on delivering news and information to general managers. If the industry was defining R&R, that’s where we would put the publication.

Until then, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. If it rhymes with duck…it’s probably R&R’s charts!

Happy New Year 1995

1/6/1995

Happy New Year! The countdown has begun. Only five years until the biggest party in the history of the world. And for once, that’s no hype.

No matter what Prince says, we can’t party like it’s 1999 until it gets here. And we’re down to the short strokes. Not that any of us are absolutely assured of making it. But with each passing day, our chances do get a little bit better.

The first week of the New Year…it is the best of times…it is the worst of times. It is the first week of the rest of our lives…a time full of hope and joy…a time of great expectations…a time filled with the determination to change your life for the better…a time to alter your ways and become the person you always knew you could be…a bright and happy time that will make the beginning of the new you…no more wasted days and nights, but positive productive hours culminating in dramatic results of gargantuan proportions…this is the year you’re gonna be a contender…this is the time.

The first week of this year is also only one broken promise away from being alike all the others. So, what are you going to do?

Many negative thinkers believe that human beings cannot change their ways…that habits entrenched from years of repetition will remain. This is so much bullshit. Of course, we can change. It happens all the time. People stop smoking. People stop drinking. People stop using drugs.

People can change. People do.

Change is mostly difficult. People, for the most part, don’t want to change. How many people work unhappily in the same job for years without seeking change, then, when fired, exclaim that it was the best thing that happened to them? It only points out the important process of altering one’s lifestyle for the best. For change to occur, first one must want to change.

But wanting it isn’t good enough. There isn’t one person in the world who doesn’t want things to be different. But to become a force in making a difference, you have to add two additional elements: risk and hard work.

I promise that you cannot effect change, even small changes in your own life, without an element of risk and some hard work. Take New Year’s Resolutions, for example. Most everyone makes them…most everyone breaks them. It is a statistical fact that over 97% of all New Year’s Resolutions are broken…usually within the first month of the new year. So why do we make them? Because we want to change. But wanting change just isn’t enough.

After you determine that you want to change something, you have to take a risk. A risk, you ask? What’s the risk? The risk is that you won’t make it…that you’ll fail. Not much risk. Not like your life…or your savings…but fear of failure is risk enough to make many people not even attempt a lifestyle change.

Psychiatrists will tell you that the majority of people are more motivated by the fear of failure than the desire for success. It’s strange…and it’s sad. Failure isn’t something we should be ashamed of. Failure, except in maybe skydiving and bomb handling, isn’t fatal. And failure certainly isn’t forever.

History is full of inventors who failed many times before their ultimate conquest. The early failures meant only that they were attempting to push the envelopes that were confining their thoughts and patterns.

You also must be dedicated to the proposition of success. You must be willing to work…and work hard to succeed. Too often those who don’t succeed point to those who do and say it’s because of luck. More often than not, luck is getting up earlier, working longer and harder and sleeping less. It don’t come easy. “If you wanta sing the blues, you gotta pay your dues.”

Our industry if full of those who want change. We can (and do) fill convention halls with people who put down the status quo, call for new and dramatic changes, then return to their jobs and continue to follow the other sheep. Not only does the majority seldom attempt to effect change, but they are quick to criticize others who introduce innovative ideas. In no other industry is there more bluster and less follow-through. In both radio and records, we have few walls t stifle our creativity, yet we manage daily to stifle ourselves. With some of the brightest minds working in our industry, it is mind-boggling that we manage to cling tightest to the expected ways of doing business rather than exploring the possibilities of new and startling ideas.

The radio and record industries are changing dramatically. And the ways these industries interact are also changing. Programmers know this. Promotion people know this. The sooner the changes are recognized by those higher up who set policy, the sooner the industries will work smoother together for common goals. Too many of those policy-makers are installing marketing adjustments for the wrong reasons. PDs and promotion teams…those soldiers on the front lines…must be involved in the discussions and implementation if these are to be positive and not simply cosmetic changes.

One of 1995’s resolutions for Network 40 is to create a conference that will enable our indstries to explore innovative ways of accomplishing our goals and interests. There are too many conventions now that discuss “How To Produce A Morning Show” or “How To Promote Specific Records To Non-Specific Formats.” What our industry needs is a forum that will allow unfettered ideas to be floated on the winds of openness and excitement without the fear of ridicule. In 1995, Network 40 resolves to provide that forum.

Network 40 is all about positive changes. Our resolutions for the New Year are to continue to explore all possibilities and to stimulate your thoughts and actions toward the same aim. In our exciting industry, we are in control of our own destiny. We have the ability to find the new act…to invent the new format…that will alter the lives of listeners and change the world. It is for this higher purpose that Network 40 exists.

It is in this spirit, along with the quest for knowledge, that we also resolve to print no more naked pictures on Page 6.

Of course, some of these resolutions will be broken sooner than others.

Stocking Stuffers

1/6/1995

Next to when I was nine years old and I got that shiny, red bicycle and my first kiss under the mistletoe, this was my best Christmas ever.

Ever!

R&R changed their charts. Whoa! Can you believe it? R&R will begin publishing unweighted Plays Per Week charts this week.

Truly unbelievable.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends and enemas, animals and freaks, this is an announcement of mammoth proportions…particularly for an uneducated, ignorant country boy like me. Two years ago this week, I wrote the first Editorial on the pages of Network 40 condemning R&R’s charts and the methodology used to gather the information. The entire industry laughed from the sidelines as Network 40 began attacking R&R as an unreliable source of music information.

We began the attack and waited for R&R to blink.

Over the next two years, Network 40 debuted the first Plays Per Week Chart and challenged R&R to do the same. For the next year, R&R clung to their tired, worthless methodology of tabulating inaccurate playlists even as the industry screamed for change. Finally, R&R succumbed. A year ago, R&R finally went to a Plays Per Week Chart. But some of the powers who ran R&R couldn’t even do something that simple correctly.

Instead of a standard PPW chart, R&R conjured u a chart with add factors, unrelated weighting and other voodoo weirdness. The industry howled, but capitulated…for a while.

After another year of ceaseless barraged from the outside world…after 12 more months of foaming at the mouth while trying to drum up empty excuses for the inadequacies of the charts…R&R finally capitulated. With last month’s announcement that R&R would begin publishing an unweighted PPW chart, R&R admitted two long years of mistakes and justified every shot taken in the past 24 months by Network 40.

With this acknowledgement, R&R didn’t blink. R&R grimaced and shit its eyes!

And just when I thought this would be the merriest of Christmases ever…it got even better. First, R&R admitted that their charts were totally screwed up and announced changes beginning in 1995. My heart truly skipped a beat. Then, R&R announced that all of the charts would be changing in 1995…except the Country chart.

Hello…McFly?

The Country chart is the most screwed up of all the R&R charts. It isn’t based on Plays Per Week, the weighting system is bogus, the add factor is ridiculous, the “projected” plays are an industry joke…for all of these and more reasons recently outlined on this commentary page, the Country chart should have been the first one R&R changed. Yet they aren’t changing it at all!

What is wrong with this picture? Are all the other charts (using the same methodology) wrong, but the Country chart right? If so, how? Of all the bone-headed moves made by the R&R hierarchy in the past two years, this one takes the cake. If the methodology behind all the other charts makes them inaccurate and the Country chart uses the same methodology…it doesn’t take a genius to know that the Country chart is also screwed up. Forrest Gump could figure this one out. This chart doesn’t need help like Bosnia doesn’t need help.

The compilation of the Country chart in R&R on the last week of 1994 created so much controversy that Nashville is still up in arms, but this is the chart that doesn’t need to change.

The R&R Country chart is so perfect that Monday at 5 pm on the last week of 1994, that chart showed Faith Hill’s “Take Me As I AM” as the number one song. At 5:30 pm, fully half-an-hour past the cut-off time, a station called in to make changes in their previous report. After the report was tabulated, the new number one record on the Country chart was Joe Diffey’s “Pick-Up Man.” Chart positions were announced and all was right with the world.

Except that Warner Bros. wasn’t pleased that Faith Hill had been knocked from the number one spot after the deadline. Someone let loose some righteous indignation and, supposedly, no less than Erica Farber (who everyone knows is an expert in the field of radio, charts and music…particularly in the Country field) took it upon herself to invalidate the report.

Final result? Faith Hill was back at number one.

Network 40 has long maintained that R&R’s methodology allows the opportunity for chart manipulation, but we never thought the manipulation might take place within the hallowed halls of R&R. Although we applaud Ms. Farber’s zeal in righting what she thought was an obvious wrong, we have a lot of questions.

Did she recall every radio station that reported information that week? As we’re sure someone who heads up a publication based on accurate statistical reporting knows, if you subject any raw data to a challenge, you must subject every piece of raw data to the same challenge for the final information to be statistically accurate. Why was a report taken after the deadline? Who called R&R’s attention to the late report? Why did R&R determine that Joe Diffey would be number one, only to change their mind later? Couldn’t they have waited to make sure? Why does R&R take phoned-in reports that are so easy to manipulate? Why doesn’t R&R demand faxed play information? If, after Ms. Farber changed the station’s report, she had received a call from Epic about another station whose list might have been in error, would she have changed that report also?

This is the chart that’s okay? This is the chart that didn’t change? This is the chart ridiculed on Music Row by a sign saying, “Joe Diffey…Number One in Billboard for Four Weeks…Number One in R&R for an hour!” This chart needs so much help, R&R should call Jimmy Carter.

Come on, R&R. Face the music. The Country chart is absurd. Drop the ridiculous “add factor.” Discontinue the archaic weighting system. Stop having stations “project” their Plays Per Week. Stop letting stations phone in their reports. Accepted only faxed, computer-generated airplay reports so there can be no manipulation.

Then you’ll have an accurate chart. Just like the one coming in Network 40.

I Love L.A.

1/20/1995

When Guns ’N Roses came up with the lyrics, they really didn’t have a clue. “Welcome to the jungle, baby.”

Is it just me or has this past year been a particularly evil bitch? January 17th brought everything full circle. I staggered into the front yard, more than a little groggy from another night of under-indulgence (I always feel worse when I get too much sleep) to the usual screams of my neighbors. After two years, they still aren’t used to the sight of a naked man stalking the morning paper.

Back in the house, I stumbled over the trapeze that had been pulled from the ceiling hooks the night before and cracked by head on the Harley still parked in the living room from last weekend. Too weak to make it to the kitchen for the shot of adrenaline, I rolled over on my back and checked out the headlines.

“7.5 Earthquake Wreaks Havoc!”

I sat up quickly…too quickly. The handlebar of the Harley almost ripped my ear off.

“Damn the beast,” I said to no one there, and no one heard me, not even the chair. I shoved the Harley over on its side and didn’t care when the oil and gasoline began pouring onto the rug. With this much devastation outside, who would care about the carpet?

It must have been a great party…the one I couldn’t remember from the night before…to sleep through a 7.5!

When my eyes finally focused on the story and I saw the earthquake happened in Japan, I threw the paper on top of the oil spill and hoped for the best.

January 17th…a day that will live in earthquake infamy for the rest of this decade at least. Is this something that should be studied? Are these shakers clustering around a specific date? Is this a chapter from “Nostradamus” that I missed? Does anyone know? Does anyone care?

You care if you’re a California resident. That’s mainly because Hollywood is in California. The motion picture business must be somehow responsible for all of the weird things that happen here. Sometimes we believe that Cecil B. DeMille has followed the yellow brick road to heaven or hell and is directing all of the insanity that infiltrates our everyday life. It is the only rational explanation.

Think about the natural disasters that come with the territory. Take the earthquakes…please. We go through som many quakes that they become commonplace…sometimes boring. Where else in the world would buildings shake and floors roll and people nonchalantly look around and say, “Three-five.” Only in Hollywood are quakes graded and scored immediately.

Nothing is ever normal here. We can’t have a minor inconvenience. We have to have disasters. In fact, natural disasters are the norm here. It never rains in Southern California…it pours. We can’t have a few showers…a flash flood or two. Nope. We get the whole nine yards. California was in a drought two years ago. You remember how it ended? Rained for 40 days and nights…just like the picture.

Last month brought on ore rain. Television news doesn’t talk about the weather. Each station has expensive graphics to identify “Storm Watch 95” or another flashy name for what is happening. And the clouds must be tuned in. The Russian River in northern California rose 48 feet above flood level. 48 feet! Here in southern California, we had the Malibu mudslides. Nope, it’s not a new amusement park. It’s a flood of mud that crashes into million-dollar houses and turns them into “minor” fixer-uppers.

And just about the time we dig ourselves out of the mud, the fires will come. Last year, half the state burned. This year, with all the rain, maybe we can keep the burning to a minimum.

People who don’t live here joke about the natural disasters that fall upon California. They laugh and say, “Hey, you’ve had fires, floods and earthquakes. What’s next? Swarms of locusts?” Evidently these people haven’t heard about the killer bees. They’re moving up from Mexico.

And, of course, we’ve got O.J. People get killed in every other city in the world and though it’s sad and unfortunate, it doesn’t turn into a combination circus/soap opera. An all-important game in the finals of professional basketball was interrupted while a white Bronco led the California Highway Patrol on a low-speed chase through Los Angeles. Where else but in L.A. would people leave their cars to cheer for “The Juice” as he ran from his accusers?

Simpson’s house and the murder scene have turned into tourist attractions with police directing the crowds and traffic. Vendors sell souvenirs. It’s disgusting. I had to wait nearly 25 minutes for a T-shirt with his likeness on the front. And everyone has a theory. The only difference is that in California, everyone with a theory is interviewed on TV. Those with really good theories get their own shows.

There is some good news among the bad. Violent crime is down, probably because most of us are holed up inside watching the O.J. trial develop on television. What about F. Lee Bailey and Robert Shapiro fighting because somebody leaked information to the press. The fight about the story is now the front page story. You couldn’t get this script approved for an episode of L.A. Law.

California is a state of mind. It is cracked, crazy and continuous. And if you’re in the record or radio business, it’s even worse. Those of us in the record and radio business are like second-rate citizens. In Hollywood, movies rule. And movie stars rule the movies. Let me put it to you in a way you can understand. If there was one table left at The Ivy and a movie star and a recording artist arrived at the same time, it’s no contest. The singer walks. If it’s the singer versus a television actor…the singer still walks. If it’s the singer and the second lead in a new television sitcom, the Nielsen ratings will be checked (every maitre d’ in Hollywood has a copy handy) and a decision is reached. If you’re in radio…forget about it.

So, people say, if California in general and Los Angeles in particular are so bad, why don’t you get out?

What? And leave show bidness?

I love L.A.

Dear Santa (Christmas 1994)

12/16/1994

Dear Santa:

It’s been a year since I’ve written. I’m sorry, Santa. I know I should write more often, but face it, in our business, it’s what can you do for me now? Since you only grant wishes once a year, why should I waste the stamp?

You know I don’t feel that way, Santa. I’m only echoing the intensity of our industry. And the industry has been especially intense this year, Santa. Actually, tense would be a better term.

With all of the fallout in the industry, our good people are looking forward to Christmas more this year than any year in the past. So, if you don’t mind, Santa, I would like to ask for some Christmas presents. Not for me, but for my friends in the industry. Most of them won’t ask. The record guys are afraid you’ll demand a promotion in return. And the radio guys have already given their wish list to their local reps. So just let me drop a couple of hints.

Don’t give Burt Baumgartner anything. He’s getting everything he wants as he moves to California. However, if you could, please do me one favor, Santa. Burt is shipping one of his cars out early and has asked met o put it in my garage for “safe keeping.” Let him send the Viper…with the keys. I promise I won’t wreck it and I’ll never let Burt know I’m cruising the strip in it until his arrival.

Give Jerry Blair another phone so he can talk to five people at the same time. For Jerry Lembo, some No-Doz so he can stay up past ten. For Charlie Walk, a little more exposure. Let Jim Burruss have a new computer…preferably a Mac. Don’t worry about Justin Fontaine. Having Burt as his boss is quite enough. Just let him continue to lose to me in golf, although you don’t have to grant that wish, Santa. I’ll take care of that.

For Tenenbaum, a decision on the length of his hair…or really, any decision. Let him finally make one. And for Gorlick, any cheap shot. He’s so easy to pick on. Actually, Santa, give Gorlick a discount at the Palm, though he should be able to accomplish that on his own. What about Paula? Something good for having to work with those two.

For Craig Lambert, wedding bliss. For Val DeLong, an unhappy marriage so she’ll come running to me. And for Greg Thompson, patience and new answers for the same questions.

For John Fagot, a better year for the Bulldogs (I know I asked for that last year, Santa, but keep trying, will you?) For Costello, a new hairstyle. His wife can work wonders…she just needs to work harder on him. Let the Rebels tie them Dogs for Blalock so he and John can be satisfied. And Pat’s picture for Reiner.

A skyhook for Sky Daniels so he can slam those records home. More trips to the West Coast for Riccitelli. More radio stations for Vicki Leben to call…she’s down to about 400 a week. And a healthy baby for Murdock.

A healthy, happy, stress-less year for Stu Cohen. A big raise for Barney. Please, please, Santa, let Rich Fitzgerald find another restaurant. I know he gets mileage-plus at Iroha, but its gone way too far. Give Ratner absolutely, positively anything and everything he wants.

Polly Anthony got everything she wanted in 1994, but put some icing on her cake next year. Let Barb Seltzer have even more opportunities to hell me I’m the man. I’ll even convert. Make Dale Connone stay away from my daughter. (I know many others have asked you for this same wish, Santa. Grant them, please.) A huge jug of Cajun martinis for Hilary Shaev. For Rick Bisceglia, more nights like the one in San Francisco last month. And let Bruce Schoen get out of the office more.

It was a rough year for Andrea Ganis. She was run over by a cab, dirtied in the streets and slashed by an unfortunate Network 40 package. Let 1995 be accident-free. And have her keep up the matchmaking. Maybe it will work. Give Danny Buch a real radio station to program. Steve Leavitt needs one less computer. And tell Cubby he doesn’t need to attend every event on the West Coast. More hours in the day would be nice for Peter Napoliello. A bigger expense account for Ken Lane. And a cover for Michael Steele. You don’t need to Give Brenda Romano anything. 1995 is going to be her year. For Lopes? Flannel shirts and jeans.

A huge promotion for Butch Waugh. And another “statement” cover for Skip Bishop. More trips to the desert for Michael Plen. He needs them. And more time for golf for Bill Pfordresher. I’m beating him way to badly now.

Jack Satter wants the inside line to The Chrome Lizard. Mark Kargol has to find a new friend. The one he’s got is wearing him out. David Leach needs a membership to a country club. Andy doesn’t. And Kerry has to come out here more often. A Coolio hairstyle for Becce. A giant hit for Ray Carlton.

Many more dinners with Nancy Levin. (Oops, that’s my wish. Okay, I’ll buy.) And more hit records for Ann Marie to bring home.

Switches and ashes for Rick Stone…he’s been a bad boy. Give Lori Anderson the world and everything that’s in it…and one less trip to Disneyland with the kids. How about giving Minor’s throw-aways to Spendlove so he can get his wish and finally be just like Charlie?

Give Joel Denver the best and R&R the worst.

Network 40’s staff needs a lot, Santa. Let Dwayne finally close Hard Kill…though they’re all hard for him. And let him hang with all the “players.” A Knicks’ championship for Pat since he’s in New York to enjoy it. A new rubber chicken for Jeff. Please, Santa, please get some hip clothes for Kilgo…or sunglasses for the rest of us. A non-addictive sedative for Kristen to be administered each Monday. More Crossover stations for Meade. A “special” friend for Karen. For Sara, a real man. We asked for this last year, Santa, and she still doesn’t have one. Kathryn wants more male cheesecake photos. The Lizard wants the opposite. Give Leah a part-time job at KIIS. A beautiful wedding for Josie…ditto Kathryn. A perfect Country state of mind for Barry and Jamie. Harman needs more artistic freedom. Debby wants at least one dead-line to be hit. Let Helen’s “special” relationship with Gorlick to continue. James needs a louder voice…but don’t give it to him. To Victor, a week with no meltdowns. Alden wants an audience with the Joint Chiefs of Staff. A day off for Stan.

Peace on earth and good will toward men and women. And to all a good night.

Country State Of Mind

12/9/1994

“I’m just laid up here in a Country state of mind.”

So, when did Country music get to be so popular? It’s a question I’ve been asked more than a couple of times in the past few years. I usually follow that question with a question of my own: Where the hell have you been?

Of course, because I grew up in Mississippi on a steady diet of Hank Williams (that’s Hank Sr. I could only listen to Bocefus when my daddy wasn’t in the house.), country music has always been my music of choice. The again, if you were growing up in Mississippi in the 1960s, you didn’t have a lot of choices. The Deep South has always raised an eyebrow (and an occasional axe handle) at anything that didn’t have a fiddle in the mix. So it wasn’t until I left and got educated that I became aware that there was indeed some other music out there.

As a young’un, I did get a peek or two at the Beatles and the Rolling Stones when they were on the Ed Sullivan Show. If I was real lucky and my daddy went to the bathroom after Topo Gigio or that Russian Circus old Ed was so fond of, I could almost witness the entire appearance before he told me to stop listening to that “crap.” To my everlasting credit, I finally did get my old man to admit that “Act Naturally” wasn’t a bad song, but only because I told him it was written by John D. Loudermilk who, in his opinion, was the “greatest damn writer of all time…next to Hank.” I never could get him to embrace the Stones, even towards the end when he was heavily medicated.

A lot of those who have jumped on the bandwagon recently say Country music finally grew up. With all due respect, maybe it’s the audiences who have grown up.

There are others who say that Country music is well on the way to becoming the Mainstream music of tomorrow. Don’t look now, but with over 5,000 radio stations playing Country music across the country, it’s getting pretty close to Mainstream right now.

Why?

A case could be made for the fact that many of us can’t dance to most of the other music. I just don’t do the “Drop” or the “Slide,” make signs with my hands or jump in a mosh pit. I ain’t no Fred Astaire, but I can two-step. Then again, who can’t? And Country bars are easier to hang in. Oh, a good fight will break out occasionally, but that’s usually what it is…a fight. Very seldom are knives or guns pulled. I mean, you might get your ass kicked, but you probably won’t get killed. I’m no genius. It’s obvious I don’t have the definitive answers. But a couple do stand out.

The music has gotten better. Don’t get me wrong. Country writers were penning standards long before Rock & Roll was named, and Chet Atkins was picking and doubling harmonies before 24-tracks were used. But with the technological boom came a bunch of talented producers who made it possible for Country production to compete with the best of them. In the good ole days, the good ole boys would get a few pickers, rent a studio and cut an album in 12 hours…and that included mixing. The only that that mattered was the song and the beat.

The song is still king in Country, but production and arranging have made the music more acceptable to the fringe consumers. It didn’t hurt when Mainstream began fragmenting into a thousand different definitions. There was a time when you could hear Elton John, Freddie Fender, Al Green and Jimi Hendrix back-to-back on a good Top 40 station. No more. Formats have become too restricted.

And that brings me to the second point: Country radio has gotten better. No format has improved in overall sound, marketing and promotion more than Country. Some of the best radio stations in the country are Country…if you get my drift.

Country programmers are spending more and more time making sure the production of the station is perfect. It’s still the sound that counts to the listeners and Country radio , in many cases, sound best.

Country music, by definition, is much broader than much of the music today. Radio stations and record companies are sometimes too quick to define a song. Not so the audience. They just know if they like it. Country radio allows more of the pieces of the pie onto the plate and it ultimately means more dessert for the listeners.

Country stations are like good Top 40s used to be. You can hear Vince Gill’s “When Love Finds You,” the Tractors’ “Baby Like To Rock It” and George Strait’s “The Big One” and you’ve got Mainstream, Rock & Roll and Country back-to-back. Throw in “Third Rock From The Sun” and you could make a case for psychedelic, but maybe that’s a stretch.

Country music does a great job of pushing the envelope. If someone did a focus group on Mars, most of the aliens would be hard-pressed to make a distinction between half of the songs on Country stations and those claiming to be Mainstream

Of course, there is a dark side to this otherwise bright cloud. The large gains made by Country stations are due in no small part to the success of many new artists. There is so much good music available that PDs are spending time and money determining which records are the best. And they should. However, the danger of over-researching, narrow-casting call-outs and restrictive playlists are real. One only needs to look at what happened to Mainstream Top 40 in the late 1980s to find the end result.

Programmers who have the tendency to put too much emphasis on in-house research can quickly find themselves in the outhouse. The true test of any record is the response of the listeners when they hear it on the radio. Research shows that listeners in all formats…but especially Country…do not tune out new music…even if they don’t like it. They want to hear the latest releases and decide for themselves. It’s only when you continue to play inferior songs does the audience take a hike. So our job as programmers is to expose the right product, test the response and act accordingly.

 

If we’re right…we prosper. If we’re wrong…nobody dies. In the words of Hank Jr., “If the sun don’t come up tomorrow, people I have had a good time. I’m just laid up here in a Country state of mind.”

Hot Air

12/9/1994

“Some guys have all the luck. Some guys get all the breaks.”

Ah, to be a radio programmer. Just think about it for a minute. A radio programmer has the best tickets to the best concerts. You want to make points with the bimbo and meet the band? No problem. Backstage passes?

Anything you want, babe.

What about dinner? Best restaurant in town? You want to bring the bimbo? And three of her friends? No problem Your parents might be there, too? Sure. Bring them along.

You need a promotion because you’re too lame to think one up for yourself? Or your station is too broke to pay for it? You want tickets to Hawaii for a couple of your winners? And you want to go along as their chaperone? And bring the bimbo? Of course. It’s done.

That prize fight in Las Vegas next weekend? You say the new bimbo is a fight fan? A boxer herself? Oh, a mud wrestler. Close enough. You want to get a suite, sit up front and pretend you’re important and rich?

You’re there, babe.

You’ve got to admit, the life of a radio programmer ain’t all bad. You get all the good things in life without having to pay for them, if you don’t count having to play a “strange” record on occasion. You can act like an ugly, insensitive know-it-all jerk. And people will pretend to like you.

Plus, you have the opportunity to win cash and fabulous prizes in the A.I.R. competition for doing what you’re paid to do already…listen to new music and figure out how well the songs will do. What a wonderful, wonderful life.

“Some guys do nothing but complain.”

And then there is the life of the record promotion person. A PD wants dinner? Trips? Promotions? The promo person must provide willingly and pretend to be happy about it.

The promo person must also spend “quality” time with the bimbo, although, in many cases, the bimbo is actually better company that the PD. And the promo person would rather talk with her. But that’s another Editorial.

So the promo person must slop through the sludge with the slugs. And ultimately pay for the A.I.R. competition that sends PDs cash and fabulous prizes.

And there’s nothing extra for the record promotion person, is there? No contest to enter. No games to play. No way to get cash and fabulous prizes. Every promotion person knows they would do better than every PD in any music competition. But there isn’t any.

Do-do-dee-do-da-do! (Think horns.)

To the rescue come your good friends at Network 40. Recognizing the terrible plight of those in the record business (and it’s easy for us to recognize those slights because as former PDs, we were the slighters not so long ago), Network 40 is proud to announce a contest with cash and fabulous prizes for record company promotion people only. We call it, “H.O.T.A.I.R.”

“Heavy On The Absolutely Incredible Bullshit!” (Okay, so we couldn’t come up with a suitable word that means the same thing and begins with an “R”…excuuuusssseeee me!)

After months of careful evaluation and exhausting research, we have come up with the ultimate contest…HOT AIR.

We call it HOT AIR because that’s exactly what it is…HOT AIR. (Actually, it’s really HOT AIB, but that doesn’t have the same ring.)

It costs nothing to enter. The only stipulation is that you have to be a promotion person, listen to the music and participate each week.

The rules are quite simple:

(1)  Each week, Network 40 will ask you to listen to five records and predict how well these records will do on Network 40’s PPW chart.

(2)  Points are awarded as follows:

10:  Predict the record won’t make the chart and it doesn’t. (Minus 10 if it does.)

25:  Predict the record makes it into the Top 40 and it does. (Minus 25 if it doesn’t.)

50:  Predict the record makes it into the Top 10 and it does. (Minus 50 if it doesn’t.”

100: Predict the record makes it to number one and it does. (Minus 100 if it doesn’t.)

Points are totaled sometime during the year and a winner is announced. You are also eligible for special “bonus” points as follows:

150:  Be the first person in your company to close out your region. (Minus 150 if you’re the last. Plus 300 if you’re the last and still hang on to your job!)

250:  Get one of your records added on a radio station without going through the independent. (This bonus is not applicable if you pay the indie anyhow.)

500:  Get any of your records added on a radio station without having to provide a promotion or a time buy. (This bonus is not applicable for any record already in the Top 10…unless, of course, it’s on WKRQ.)

750:  Get any of your records added on a radio station by talking only with the music director. (This bonus is not applicable at stations where the music director’s input is actually important…which means it’s pretty much applicable everywhere.)

1000: Get a record added at a station and have no one else call to take credit for it. (This bonus will be paid on the honor system…we’ll have to take your word for it and trust that you wouldn’t ever lie…so this will never be applicable.)

1500: Predict any record on Imago will make it into the Top 40 and it does. (If one of Imago’s records actually makes it into the Top 40, then to collect these points, you must pay Network 40 for the amount of advertising dollars we’ll lose for taking this shot!)

2000: Get one of your competitor’s records added instead of your own so you can get credit for the points. (This bonus will be tripled if you tell your boss that is the reason that you didn’t get an add that week.)

3000: Get the bimbo to talk the PD into adding one of your records. (This bonus is tripled if you bring this up in front of his wife!)

So, now you have the rules for Network 40’s exclusive HOT AIR contest. Remember, all decisions of the judges are final. The number of ads you purchase in Network 40 has no bearing on the outcome…as long as you don’t want to win!