Month: June 1995

Press!

6/23/1995

I was in trouble early.  And I knew it.  I had journeyed to Nashville to play golf with my good friends Wynn Jackson and James Stroud.  I use the word “friends” advisedly.  When you’re deep in the heart of Dixie and playing golf for cash money, your friends are more apt to chop you up than your enemies.  Down here, everyone carries a razor.

Our other two playing companions were Dirt and Herky. Now the first rule of golf is:  “Never play for money against strangers with nicknames.”  I never gave it a thought.  I was in Nashville to have a good time.  Besides, I was with friends.

I drove the first ball of the morning right down the center of the fairway.  I was posing like TV Tommy when I heard Dirt say, “Damn, boy, that’s stouter than a bay mule.”

I reach for my wallet, but it was too late. If I hadn’t known it already…I’d been had.

I told Stroud I wanted to play for an ad in the Country Network and he said that was fine and, of course, we would press on the fly.

Press on the fly?  I had never heard this one, but I didn’t want to sound too ignorant so I agreed.  I figured I would find out what it meant soon enough.  I figured right.

I was feeling pretty good about the drive, but the second shot left a lot to be desired.  Short and left.  I had a bad case of the pull hooks and I know I’d have to hunker down or I would be on the way to the cash machine in a hurry.  As the ball spun toward a lake that my partner had “forgotten” to tell me about, Stroud said, “Press.”

“You can’t press on the first hole,” I protested as my ball headed for splash-down.

Stroud smiled, “Press on the fly.  Anytime your opponent’s ball is in the air, you can press.  It doubles the bet.”

I bogeyed the first two holes and the Nashville contingency was grinnin’ like mules eatin’ briars.  Herky got on his cellular phone and a couple of holes later, two more people had driven out to join us.  Evidently the news was traveling fast.  There was a “suspect” in from Hollywood with a pocketful of cash and a shaky game.

I was introduced to Booger and Juice.  Since Booger had the first finger of his left hand buried in his nose halfway to his cerebellum, I knew how he got his nickname.  Juice I wasn’t sure about.

“Gerry’s in all the usual games,” Stroud said.  “He especially likes to press on the fly.”

Booger and Juice couldn’t have been happier.

Around hole number seven, the sun finally broke through the humidity and it started to really heat up.  Dirt allowed how he was “sweatin’ like a hillbilly at a spellin’ bee.”

I pulled another one dead left off the tee.

“Press,” everybody said.

I was struggling and they were loving it.  And the truth was, so was I.  It was a beautiful day.  I was playing golf. I was in the South.  Hell, I was home.

Juice had stuck a wad of chewing tobacco the size of a softball into his left cheek a while back and I now knew where he got his nickname. Along with the chewing habit, Juice also had a rather large stomach.  When he spit his ruminations, most of it got on the front of his shirt.

Wonderful.

Juice explained his colorful golf shirts.  If you get a stain on your shirt, there is a guy who paints the shirt, incorporating the stain into the design.

The painter must do a helluva business in Nashville.

By the time we made it to the 10th tee, I was down $1,200.  I figured I had these boys just where I wanted them.  A double-shot of Jack Daniels at the turn had solved the hook.  The boys fell all over themselves when I doubled the bet.

Fools.  They forgot I was born in Mississippi.

About four holes into the back side, they were quiet.  Herky was mumbling to Dirt, Juice and Booger were arguing about what club to hit and Stroud had cancelled his business with Wynn for inviting me.

I kept yelling, “Press!”

By the time we got to 18, it was dead even.  I teed it up and quacked it dead left in the tall weeds by the edge of a small creek.  Nobody even whispered the “P” word.  I’d been playing so well, they didn’t want to take a chance.

I waded into the weeds, searching for my ball.

“Watch out for them cottonmouths,” Booger grinned.  “They’ll sting you if they get a chance.”

I was ankle-deep in branch water, searching for the lost Titlist, when I saw the snake cutting through the water like a speedboat, mouth gaping, heading right for my ball.

Without thinking, I swung the 4-iron.  There was a mighty splash and the snake flew out of the creek, straight toward Stroud.  It was the only shot I didn’t hook all day.

“Press!” Booger hollered

Stroud stood rooted in his tracks, eyes as wide as the moccasin’s mouth.  The snake wrapped around his neck, then slid down inside the back of his shirt.

He did a quick two-step, spun into a stomp then fell into a sand trap and broke into a full Watusi.  He was on his back, legs and arms flailing, screaming for all he was worth.

“Help me, somebody help me,” he wailed.  “The snake bit me!  I’m gonna die…I’m gonna die!”

Dirt, who had witnessed the entire episode, ran over.  “Stop acting like a baby, Jimmy James,” he snapped.  “You ain’t gonna die.  I’ll just suck out the poison.  Where’d you get bit?”

“On my ass,” James cried.

Dirt shook his head.  “Boy, you’re gonna die.”  He walked slowly back to the cart.

Stroud didn’t die.  The snake was dead before it left my club.  When it slid down James’ back, he freaked out and jumped around so much, the money-clip in his back pocket slipped off the big wad of cash he was carrying around and pinched him on the butt.

When it was all said and done, no money changed hands.  There was a big argument about whether or not I should be assessed a stroke because I played the snake out of a hazard.  It was decided that I wouldn’t be penalized since Stroud wasn’t disqualified for hitting my ball.  That was when he beat the lifeless snake after it slid out of his pants.

The moral of this story?  If you ever go to Nashville to play golf with anyone in the “music bidness,” take a fishing pole.

There are a lot of barracudas down there.

If The Shoe Fits

6/30/1995

“What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

Forgive me for using a line from one of my favorite movies, Cool Hand Luke. I watched it this past weekend. I didn’t know why until today when I found out about the “latest” changes in R&R.

R&R is a lot like Cool Hand Luke. Old and outdated. But at least the movie has some great lines. R&R, on the other hand, has some good lies. I guess if you leave out a letter or a word here and there, a comparison can be made between the two. With R&R, what we have here is a failure.

Unfortunately, the truth is a lot more complicated and dangerous.

This week, in their infinite wisdom, R&R decided to cut the number of reporting stations. Some 28 programmers were told they would no longer be a part of the R&R panel. (Sorry, guys, we’ve used you long enough. We got what we wanted and we don’t need you any more.) About half of these reporters were just added less than three months ago. They were good enough in the spring, but not in the summer? Even new sitcoms get a longer run on NBC.

So, why do I care?

From its inception, Network 40 has solicited and accepted, gladly accepted, playlists from any and every station wanting to be a part of our reporting panel. We are all radio programmers here. We are intimately familiar with the problems programmers face because we’ve been there, done that. We are dedicated to providing our subscribers with any and all information they need to help make their jobs easier.

R&R selects the panel of reporters based on an ever-changing, secret formula that best meets its needs, no the needs of the industry they pretend to service. Does R&R ever ask programmers what’s best for radio? Does R&R ever ask programmers what station should be included in the panel?

Does R&R ever ask anybody anything?

Nope. They just dictate. Whatever is best for R&R on any given day is what the R&R policy is…for that day. If the powers that be wake up in a different mood the next day, the policy changes.

So, what’s the problem? Shouldn’t R&R be able to do whatever it wants? Absolutely. If (and this is a big if) R&R’s policy didn’t affect the lives and well-being of the programmers and radio stations they pretend to serve. The sad fact is that for small radio stations, R&R status means promotional dollars. Many record companies still pay independent promoters based on whether or not a radio station is an R&R reporter.

Why? Good question, one most record company executives are asking themselves almost daily. More and more record companies are revising their deals with independent promoters. Already, record companies are relying on monitored airplay and retail record sales to determine radio stations that are important. Independent promoters should work with the record companies to decide what stations are important, then use Network 40 to track the airplay. Network 40’s panel includes all stations. Those interested may pick the ones important to them, not the stations a trade magazine deems important.

In the not-too-distant future, a radio station’s promotional support will be based upon the station’s ability to deliver exposure and sales to new product. When that time comes, R&R reporting status will be meaningless.

In the short term, however, for smaller stations, R&R means income through promotional considerations supplied by independents, who bill back their expenditures through agreements with record companies. When a station becomes an R&R reporter, the rewards are greater than merely status and recognition. The difference can be measured by the bottom line. So when a station manager projects his expenditures and income based on projections for promotional support, then loses the reporting status, the difference in the bottom line figures can be drastic.

Jobs and careers are threatened.

When will R&R’s stranglehold on radio end? When record companies refuse to pay independents based on the R&R panel. When will that begin? It already has. When will it be complete? Shortly.

Again, why does Network 40 care? Because we care about the future of radio and programmers. Judging by their latest move, those at R&R only care about stations and programmers in large markets. If you’re in a market that serves less than 150,000 people or so, you don’t exist. Did any of us start out in markets of that size?

Network 40 includes all programmers and stations that want to participate. This is our criteria. You want to join the party? The door is wide open. That’s great. The Monitor lists airplay based on its ability to monitor airplay in markets. It’s based on economics. That’s fair. At least, as a programmer, you know the criteria. R&R includes stations based on its own secret, constantly changing formula. That’s bullshit.

Independent promoters work small radio stations. They know that programmers move up. And relations move with them. Shouldn’t record companies reward radio stations that expose their product and sell records, regardless of size? Isn’t that what it’s all about? How is a station not important in February, becomes suddenly important in March, then drops back into oblivion in June because of the whims of a trade magazine? It’s beyond the pale.

Those in power at R&R have proven that they are not futuristic. Their only strength is that record companies still…reluctantly…use the R&R panel for independent promotion. That strength is ebbing quickly. When that policy ends, and the finish line is just around the corner, R&R will be finished as well. R&R has few friends in radio.

The best move R&R made was hiring Tony Novia. Tony is a radio guy. He’s trying hard. Record companies are supporting him because most believe he’ll wind up back in radio somewhere. So do we. Unfortunately, that isn’t reason enough to continue to support R&R’s archaic policies. Get a real job in a hurry, Tony. But make sure it’s in a market of over 150,000 people. Otherwise, nobody will care

Unless you report to Network 40.

Cagle For Congress

6/16/1995

In the past two weeks, I’ve had more political discussions that when I ran for Congress. For better or worse, those of us in the radio and record industries have been dragged kicking and screaming into the political arena. And judging from the majority of those involved in these discussions, most in our business are extremely limited in our knowledge of the real power that affects our everyday lives.

It’s time to go to school.

There is no required reading, except for these Editorials. The nature of our business is that most don’t (or don’t have time to) read. However, before you engage in a political dialogue and risk embarrassing yourself, you should prepare.

Tonight, rent three videos and watch them in this order: The Candidate, starring Robert Redford; Blaze, with Paul Newman; and Clear And Present Danger starring Harrison Ford.

You’ll glean an important overview from this group, but the real truth is summed up in one scene; When an official is asked what the administration wants, he answers, “This administration wants what every new administration wants…to get reelected.”

The most important fact you need to grasp is that politics is big business. The biggest. Forget Forbes 500. Politics is the real king. Always has been. Always will be. If you look at political posturing as merely posturing, you miss the big picture.

In the beginning, it’s about morals and beliefs. I believe very few get into politics to make money. Their reasons are varied, but most begin the trek with lofty intentions. Is there one who doesn’t start out wanting to right wrongs, correct injustices and make the ultimate difference in the lives of others? I think not. But somewhere along the way, it gets twisted.

Running for office changes a person. As a record person, you can almost relate. When a PD tells you he doesn’t like your record, it’s a blot, but it’s not personal. You’re promoting a product. As a candidate, you ask people to vote for you. When they say no, because they don’t like you, it’s personal. Very personal. And it hurts. Trust me. I speak from experience.

Magnify that by an opponent who is saying nasty things about you. You’re accused of being the worst in the world…a liar, a cheat, a totally worthless person.

Somewhere in the middle of the campaign, a candidate changes. It becomes less about loft ideals and more about winning the race. You can’t implement your grandiose plans unless you’re elected. It turns into ego and power. You’re better than your opponents. You want to beat the others. It’s eat or be eaten.

And if you’re elected, the twist becomes a full-scale, supersonic, Bell helicopter spin. As a PD, you think you have pressure from record promoters? Get real. A U.S. Senator gets wined, dined and pressured by the heads of the largest companies in the nation, by the richest men in the world, by presidents of foreign countries. Compare “please play this record because we really believe in this artist” with “if you don’t vote for this foreign aid package, a million people in my country will die of starvation.” Or, “If you play this record, we’ll send two of your winners to a concert,” with “Vote for this bill and my company will open a factory in your district and employ 10,000 people. On second thought, don’t try. There is no comparison.

Politics isn’t about business…it is the business. And the money spent on directing the business is obscene. The record industry spends a fortune on promotion. It’s not even a drop in the Congressional lobbying budget Money spent lobbying Congress makes the profits of the entire record industry look like a modest tip.

To run a successful political campaign, you have to have a message, an organization and cash. Not in that order. Your message means nothing unless the voters hear it and hear it enough to believe it. And hear it one more time to stimulate them to vote. How much money? As much as it takes. And sometimes that isn’t enough.

Do you wonder why politicians pay attention to special interest groups? They get out the vote. They help politicians get elected. They make contributions. Definitely not in that order.

Are you getting the picture?

With all due respect to our elected officials, nobody draws a crowd like a record star. Isn’t it time we got off our collective butts and let our voices and choices be heard? If the record and radio industries came together, we would have the most effective lobbying group in history.

Radio stations should have voter registration concerts. A person need only register to vote to attend. Every record sold should have a voter registration card attached. Every concert should have voter registration booths. Radio stations should promote and recording artists perform free at events where all money raised goes to a political action committee to lobby for our rights.

Can you imagine what would happen if we all united together to promote better government? A united effort on the part of the music world…those who write and perform it, and those who enjoy it, could make the fringe groups obsolete. In our democracy, majority rules, yet because of the political system, small minorities are capable of making an impact because they do something.

We’ve got a message, but that’s not enough. Our elected officials need to hear it. I suggest we start a political action committee to promote our beliefs. Let’s unite to support politicians who reflect our perspectives. Let’s vote. Let’s help them get elected. Let’s make contributions.

Since I’m the big-mouth who came up with this idea, I’ll get off my butt and make the first move. I’ll head the group. I’ll motivate the members. I’ll file the papers. I’ll even name it: the Totally United Political Action Committee.

TUPAC.

Are you with me?

On The Dole

6/9/1995

There’s a chill wind blowing through the entertainment industry, fueled by the cold front that’s building up in Washington, D.C. Politicians by the dozens are lining up for a run at the top spot and they’re doing whatever it takes to get a nod and some votes. The movie, record and radio industries should get ready to hunker low in the bunkers until this one blows over. But you better stack some rations, bud. This won’t be a summer squall. We could be sheltered in the basement surrounding the wood-burning stove for more than a year. Get fat now because there are some lean times ahead.

The symbiotic relationship between the radio and record industries is a hot house that provides the perfect environment for subterfuge, manipulation, back-stabbing and outright lies. Egos can run completely out of control.

Temptations lead easily to abuses. It’s understandable that the public might think, “Everything…all the time” is more than just a song lyric. To them, it could be our motto.

Because we’re in the spotlight, the average Joe thinks we toss money about like leaves falling from a large oak tree in autumn. The publicity we constantly seek sometimes backfires. We make an easy target.

To most of America, we’re all about lyrics and limos and baubles and beads…endless champagne and people who please…escargot from France and caviar by the pails… diamonds and glitter and fake fingernails.

We work in a wild business where only the strongest survive. It’s intense pressure on an hourly basis, a fast lane to success and excess that leaves lots of bodies bruised and buried in the ditch.

But as wild and crazy as our business seems, we can’t hold a candle to the carnival barkers who occupy the hallowed halls of Congress. The worst day in our industry would seem like a Sunday school picnic when compared to a normal evening on the banks of the Potomac.

Kansas statesman and Senate Majority Leader Robert Dole fired the first full frontal assault on our industry this past week while speaking in Los Angeles. Although Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has been rattling his saber for months, it was Dole who, in a cheap (and successful) attempt to steal the headlines for a few brief moments it time, unsheathed the blade.

Reaching out for the lunatics on the fringe of the Republican Party, Dole blamed the moral decay of America totally on the movie and recording industries. Listening to Dole’s speech, one could believe that we are the cause of whatever is wrong with our country.

Let’s step up to the plate and accept our responsibility once and for all. He’s right. It was all of those John Wayne movies that caused Presidents of both parties and the House and Senate to escalate the war in Vietnam and split the nation in two. It had to be “Disco Inferno” that caused riots and arson. I’m sure the Village People were responsible for Iran taking American hostages…it couldn’t have been our foreign policy. Were the movies the reason we invaded Panama and Grenada? Dole might have us there. It was his good friend, fellow Republican and former screen star Ronald Regan, who was getting top billing at the time. And I know for a fact that Guns & Roses inspired the Gulf War.

Where is this guy coming from? He’s the top gun in the Senate where, until a few months ago, its members were not held to the same standards of non-discrimination that he voted for the rest of the country. Here’s a man who accuses the record and radio industries of fostering violence, yet is leading a movement to repeal the ban on assault weapons.

It’s all about power, pure and simple. Why else would two people in California spend over $30 million in a race for a job that pays $80,000 a year?

Go figure.

The entertainment industry is a reflection of our times, not a dictator of human actions. Do we promote violence and sexual abuse as Dole claims? I think not. Do we document human behavior? Absolutely. It’s easy to pick on the excesses, but for every “Cop Killer,” there’s “God Bless The USA.” For every “Natural Born Killer” there’s a “Schindler’s List.” Unlike Dole, we cover the entire spectrum.

And don’t think that this is just about national posturing. You are going to have to deal with it at your radio station. You can bet that certain records will be singled out by one coalition or another and you’ll be hearing from them. It’s not whether you play the records or not, but how you respond to the pressure you will receive. Now is the time to come up with a game plan.

With all of Dole’s recent rhetoric (which he tried to downplay the next day) against the entertainment industry and our righteous indignation in reaction, who should really shoulder the blame? We should. We are quick to call press conferences in defense, attend fund-raisers and write a check for our favorite candidate…we’re all about blowing hot air.

What we should do is vote.

Dole can’t be condemned because he panders to the fanatical fringes of his constituency. They are small in number…but they vote. They have weight. It has nothing to do with his beliefs. He’s just trying to get elected. He shouts to the right that he’ll be their champion, while whispering to the rest of us not to worry.

We should all be ashamed…the politicians for snooping to the lowest common denominator and the rest of us for making them. If the majority of us marshaled our resources, we could easily become an entity that could take on the NRA or those other powerful Washington lobbyists with a backward sweep of our left hand. We reach more people in a day than they do in a year. If half the people we reach actually voted, we would be a force.

The election is over a year away, but it’s not too early to begin our campaign. The politicians have already started. If all of us, regardless of party affiliation, work toward bringing political posturing back to the middle, those running for office could focus on the real problems of America and develop solutions. We need to champion the Mainstream.

That’s what Network 40 is all about.

Summer’s Coming

6/5/1995

Okay, I know its June and maybe this column is a month or two late, but if you’ve been following along for the past couple of weeks, you know it’s been strange in Los Angeles. And that includes the weather. It was Memorial Day Weekend before the thermometer broke 85 Dees-grees and the plain truth is that our environment more closely resembles that of San Francisco than hot, sunny Southern California. So forgive me if summer came a little late to L.A. and I have been a little slow to react to this latest Heat Wave. We are all products of our environment and I’ve been too bundled u against those freezing 60-Dees-grees winds to work on my tan…or on an Editorial about summer programming.

It is a fact that summer changes everything. You can have joy, you can have fun, you can have Seasons In The Sun, but be careful that you don’t turn this summer into a Season Of The Witch. You get Hot Blooded (check it and see) and it will Make You Sweat. No other season is more anticipated than summer. Except for those who are completely whacked out of the brains anticipating the winter so they can snow ski (and I’ve never trusted anyone who looks forward to frostbite and the possibility of broken bones), everyone looks forward to summer.

It is necessary to adjust the programming of your radio station to a sound more compatible with the changes in the lifestyles of your audience. School’s Out For Summer. People are spending more time outside. Swimming, hiking, picnics and such are the norm. So you’ve got to match your radio station to the mood. That’s the reason for this Editorial, to suggest some changes that might be helpful.

So the baseball strike dulled the expectations a little, but who cares? Most of the people I know use the games as an excuse to sit in a seat, drink a lot of beer, yell at the top of their lungs for no good reason and soak up a little sun. When The Heat Is On, standings don’t mean a thing until the World Series. By then, it’s almost winter, so in reality, the strike didn’t have that much effect.

Summertime And The Living Is Easy (fish are jumping and the cotton is high). I love that song, though I never understood how the cotton being high worked for or against who or what I would be doing for the long, hot months ahead. The living is definitely easier. You want to move slower in the summer…have to move slower. If not, you might burn yourself right out…fry yourself to a crisp…spontaneously combust in front of company. I don’t really know if the fish are jumping or not. It seems like those large-mouthed bass would be hugging the bottom, looking for a cool spring to chill their gills. Maybe the lyrics are referring to the late evening hours when those same bass might take a jump or two at low-flying insects. I could buy that in a stretch, but cotton being high?

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of picking cotton, let me assure you that although the actual labor might be a touch easier if the plants are larger, there is nothing pleasant about the actual picking, be it high or low.

It is a lead-pipe cinch that you can extend yourself forever, have an Endless Summer or go full-tilt boogie All Summer Long. Just Don’t Let The Sun Catch You Crying. Of course, you should have been preparing when it was Almost Summer, but remember, it’s never too late to catch up.

Whether or not you program on the far West Coast and have a Palisades Park or a Sausalito Summer Night, it’s always important to have Hot Fun In The Summertime on those Sunny Afternoons. You can have all the Boys Of Summer making a Bus Top to check out the California Girls in different station promotions. The bikini, Hot Legs and wet T-shirt contest might be old, but they aren’t broke, so there’s no need to fix them.

If your mind is a little hazy, all you have to do is take yourself back to Suddenly Last Summer and you’ll remember the promotions and Things We Did Last Summer to help you out. If there’s nothing else, you can always fall back on a Summer Of Love. Just don’t get too far off in dreamland and let your ego blow the lid off. It’s good to remember When You’re Hot, You’re Hot (and when you’re not, you’re not).

When it gets Too Hot, don’t forget that it’s Summer In The City. A free concert could work to cool things off. If you plan it down to the last detail, you can have everyone Dancing In The Streets. You just never know whether this season will be as famous as the Summer of ’42 or the Summer of ’69 until we’re into it.

Just because it’s cooking in the daylight hours, don’t forget those Summer Nights. There are plenty of Night Moves to be made, especially on those Hot Summer Nights. You could turn those slow, lazy evenings into Endless Summer Nights. When the Summer Wind comes rolling in, it’s amazing what can happen in the House Of The Rising Sun. An after-dark contest Up On The Roof could be very nice, especially if it’s Sealed With A Kiss.

Make sure your programming is upbeat and happy or you could be blamed for a Cruel Summer. And no matter how nice it is, don’t forget that things could get ugly. Every doctor will tell you that there ain’t no cure for the Summertime Blues.

I could spend this entire column commenting (try saying that fast 10 times in a row) on internal changes you should make…like adjusting your clocks. Maybe it’s time to give those worn stopsets a break and schedule them in other parts of the hour. Give the audience a subliminal change as their habits change so they’ll start Groovin’ (on a Sunday afternoon). I urge you to be extremely careful with your air talent. When the Blackhole Sun burns down, everyone gets a little bit crazy and if your staff is good, they’re all teetering on the brink anyhow. When the thermometer hits the high notes, it might be just little thing to make them snap. Now is the time to give your hardest workers n extra day or two off. Buy them some Cheap Sunglasses. It will keep them fresher and might stop them from taking your head off with an AK47. Take the curtains down from the control room windows and Let The Sunshine In.

I was going to suggest some song titles you should program this summer, but I’ve run out of room. I guess I’ll See You In September, just Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me.