Calling Out

1/27/1995

A long, long line if formed where there stood only one person (well, two if you count old George) not very many years ago. You know, the ones who claim to have been “Country when Country wasn’t cool.” A strong argument could be made that Country was always cool, but Country music, or more accurately, the number of people who embrace Country music, is growing at an astounding pace. Why?

For this column, two reasons are particularly important. First, Country music, like all music, has gotten better. The production is much smoother and a greater number of people are finding Country music more pleasing than they initially expected.

Another possibility more important reason is that Top 40 radio, with its own problems of fractionalization, caused many listeners to search for a better blend of music. Some of these listeners have gone to Adult Contemporary stations, some have gone to Rap, a lot have gone to Alternative, but the largest percentage of former Top 40 listeners have “Gone Country.”

The phenomenal success of Garth Brooks led to many crossing lines that once were thought uncrossable. Would it surprise you to learn that in a recent survey of those people who love Garth Brooks, one of their other favorite groups was Uriah Heep? That may be the biggest leap of faith, but it’s no jump to say that more people share Country with other types of music than ever before.

It wasn’t too long ago that a Country music listener was a Country music listener. Period. Now, you’ll find sharing and sampling with other formats.

This changed Country radio. Country programmers are no longer competing against their Country competition. Country programmers are competing against all formats for listeners…and in more and more cases, winning…and winning big.

Because of the potential for a larger audience and the broader spectrum of competition, Country radio has become more cautious in music programming. The old days of a promotion person walking into a station with the new George Jones release that hits the air immediately are gone.

Marketing and promotion in Country music have become much more sophisticated. So has programming. And the most sophisticated (and most controversial) portion of programming is call-out research.

Call-our research. These words strike more fear in the hearts of promotion people than, “Maybe next week.” The only other words that have as much impact would be, “You are fired.” For record companies, the next horror movie will be, Friday The 13th, Part 10: Freddie Does Call-Out Research.

Call-out research for Country radio has become an important tool. It’s the only true way to separate the hype from reality. However, call-out research must be a tool…not the be-all and end-all. Call-out research, when done accurately, will give an impression of the people in the data base. That’s all. An impression. And records that tend to test well are the records that are most familiar.

Relying only on call-our research can make you radio station sound older and more predictable. It should be used to make sure your Power records and your Oldies are correct, but call-out research is almost completely unreliable in predicting the success of new music, which is so vital to the Country music format. If it worked, record companies would spend millions on focus groups and never have a stiff.

Because call-out research is so important to Country radio, Network 40 has employed an independent company to provide our readers with a national call-out research chart. We are the only magazine doing this. For a reason. If it is important to our reporters, it is important to us. This call-out research chart will serve as a comparison for those who already have their own research in place. And it can be used as a barometer by those who are, for financial reasons, unable to conduct call-out research on their own.

However, even as Network 40 goes to extraordinary lengths and expense to provide this important call-out information, it is even more important that programmers realize that this research is only one tool to be utilized in making a great radio station. As a Top 40 PD for over 20 years at some of the biggest radio stations in the country, I witnessed what happens when call-out research is given too much weight. The demise of the Mainstream Top 40 format can be blamed, in large part, by those who use call-out research exclusively to program their radio stations. The health and future of any format lies in the ability of that format to expose and break new acts. Failing to do so narrows the list of “acceptable” songs and artists. As the list narrows, even the songs that once tested well begin to burn out and the audience becomes bored and searches for more fertile pastures.

The strength of Country radio lies it its ability to expose new acts, sounds and songs, just as Top 40 once did. If Country programmers focus to much on what not to play rather than what they believe they should play, the Country format runs the risk of repeating the historical demise of Mainstream Top 40.

Call-out research should be used to reinforce your natural programming instincts. The program director who says he can’t depend upon his own musical judgment should perhaps look for a job in sales. You are a programmer because you have the talent…the special, innate ability to choose what is right musically and program successfully to the tastes of your audience. Don’t let an over-reliance on research dilute that talent. Use it to strengthen your ability.

Call-out research didn’t make Garth Brooks the biggest act in the world today. It certainly didn’t predict the success of the biggest selling single of all time, “Achy, Breaky Heart.” It is best used as only one of your many tools. Nothing more…nothing less.

As my Momma said, “Too much of even a good thing is worse than not enough.”

Q And A

1/20/1995

Since the inception of our Country section some months ago, I’ve talked with hundreds of professionals in the radio and record industries about our plans. I’ve shared our ideas and solicited their advice. I’ve also answered lots of questions and it occurred to me that many others, who haven’t had the opportunity to ask, might like some answers.

How many stations will be in the panel? It’s ultimately up to the industry, because Network 40 built its reputation on being the only radio-friendly trade magazine, we don’t want to exclude any radio station from sharing our information and participating in our publication. However, we recognize that the record industry needs a barometer that reflects sales. Network 40 will identify the stations that are programmed aggressively, stimulate record sales and affect other stations. These will be included in our PPW research regardless of market size. Unreliable Arbitron ratings or bogus weighting will not play a part in the final equation.

Since call-out research is becoming a big part of Country programming, how will you reflect its impact?  Network 40 has commissioned one of the largest call-out research projects in the country. The results will be printed weekly. Network 40 will be the only publication providing call-out research. We recognize that call-out research is a big part of Country programming. We want to provide it as a tool to those who can’t afford to do their own and as a comparison to those who have a system already in place.

What’s the big deal about “actual” Plays Per Week as opposed to projections? Reality. Projected plays are just guesses. The industry isn’t interested in guesses; the industry is interested in reality. It’s not how many times you think you’ll play it, but how many times you actually played a record that is important. For years, radio stations provided playlists that were loose guesses about the popularity of records programmed…or in some cases, not programmed. The industry recognized the dishonesty (sometimes inadvertent, sometimes planned) in the system and demanded change. PPWs and BDS made that playlist obsolete and provided the industry with an honest representation of how many times a record was played.

What’s the difference between PPWs and BDS? In a perfect world, there would be little difference in the final tally. However, the world isn’t perfect. Without Network 40’s PPWs, many important stations would not be represented because BDS doesn’t monitor all stations. When technical problems arise, Network 40’s PPWs are critical in determining the exact number of plays records are getting in specific markets. Programmers won’t have to provide station logs to “prove” they’re playing certain records. Reporting actual PPWs to Network 40 provides the perfect balance to BDS. Projections can’t make the same claim.

What’s the difference between Network 40, R&R and Billboard? The biggest difference is that Network 40 is staffed by former programmers who strive to make our publication radio-friendly. Network 40 provides much more than charts. Our publication is full of programming information and news that, hopefully, will make it easier for you to do your job. With exclusive features like “Promotions,” “Programmers Conference Call,” “Station Spotlight” and the interviews (among others), Network 40 is full of helpful, important information found nowhere else. Our editorial content is the sharpest in the business. We integrate articles to help the radio and record industries understand each other better and work together more effectively.

Why do we need another chart? You don’t. The industry needs an accurate chart, provided by radio that is representative of actual plays on radio. That’s Network 40’s PPW chart.

Why did Network 40 decide to do a Country section? For a couple of reasons. First, I love Country music. Second, The Network Magazine Group recognizes the importance of the Country music industry and we believe we are the right entity to represent it. Besides, Network 40, we also publish Album Network, Urban Network and Virtually Alternative. The Country Network is our next, logical step.

Why do you pick on R&R so much? My dissatisfaction with R&R began when I was programming, long before I came to Network 40. I objected to a publication that dictated what I could and couldn’t do. R&R was never a “friend” to the radio or record industries. R&R used both to further its own needs. I objected then and I object now, to the self-proclaimed rules governing reporting status and the make-up of charts. Before Network 40, people criticized R&R quietly because to do so loudly could have disastrous results. Times have changed. The criticisms of R&R on these pages are not mine alone…they are the thoughts of programmers and record executives with whom I speak daily. I don’t purport to be the “conscience” of the industry; I only reflect the opinions of those who share their opinions with me. Besides, if Network 40 doesn’t do it, who will? R&R, with little regard for the interests of either the radio or record industries, has dictated policies and practices for years without fear of retribution. Network 40, with the help and influence of both the radio and record industries, is changing that.

Last but not least, why do you print naked pictures on Page 6? Because people send them to us. However, as more of our readers find them offensive, you won’t see many more. I would say you won’t see any more, but I’ve been promised a shot of a “buck nekid” Nick Hunter. I’m sure you’ll agree that if it arrives, it has to run!

Quack! Quack!

1/13/1995

Charts…charts everywhere a chart, paginating poorly and breaking many hearts. As long as my record moves up, I’ll read the charts.

Everybody sing!

Of course, this Editorial had to be about charts. More specifically, R&R’s charts. Excuse me. R&R’s new and improved charts. In other words, they’ve changed. Again.

It is hard for us not to say, “We told you so.” Too hard, in fact. “We told you so.” Two years ago. It was over two years ago, in fact, when Network 40 began publishing the industry’s first chart based solely on Plays Per Week. R&R laughed.

It wasn’t too long afterwards that the radio and record industries began using the Network 40 PPW chart and BDS as the standard by which record activity was judged.

In several Editorials, Network 40 “suggested strongly” that R&R drop its archaic ways of tabulating the chart and join the industry in publishing charts based solely on Plays Per Week. We even offered R&R the use of PPW without a fee so our entire industry could be standard.

R&R refused. For a while. But when the industry began to move away from R&R’s charts, surprise…R&R began the first of many changes.

R&R graciously took the term “Plays Per Week” without any acknowledgement to Network 40 or a simple, “Thank you.” (We weren’t surprised.) And R&R designed some new charts.

Unfortunately, R&R didn’t design them correctly. So screwed up were the original charts that R&R was forced to change them again and again.

Finally, last week, R&R threw in the towel. They dropped their unreliable weighting system and the even more ridiculous “add factor” and began publishing a chart made up of unweighted Plays Per Week without any add factors or other bogus paraphernalia.

In other words, R&R finally began publishing a chart just like the one Network 40 has been publishing for over two years.

We only have one question to ask. “What took you so long?” After countless Network 40 Editorials, thousands of complaints, several sacrificial lambs and a couple of ownership changes, R&R had another change to get it right. But God bless their pointy little heads, even in a feeble attempt to do too little, too late, R&R still managed to screw up. Twice.

First, R&R admitted that all their charts were inaccurate because of the methodology, weighting, add factors and other bullshit. R&R changed them all. Except the Country chart.

Excuse me? If all the charts are inaccurate because of the methodology, should all the charts be changed? Why is Country unchanged and inaccurate? If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, isn’t it a duck? But R&R didn’t stop there. Instead of including all Top 40 reporters in the “new” chart, those still left in power (if only for a short time) decided to arbitrarily take some stations out of the chart because of their musical stance. In a blatant rip-off of the Monitor, R&R is printing a Pop/CHR chart and a Rhythmic/CHR chart.

Network 40 has no problem with R&R printing two charts. We print several. It’s often important to plot a particular record’s progress by format in different PPW charts. However, our main PPW chart includes all of our reporters.

Why? Simple. Since our inception, Network 40 has been consistent in our belief that a publication should not dictate to the industry it reflects. It is not our job to define a radio station’s format. Nor is it our right. Those who choose to do so are wrong. R&R is wrong.

In their haste to be different, R&R, with another change to get it right, missed again. R&R arbitrarily decided certain stations are Rhythmic (and should be in a different chart) and other are Pop and should remain in the “main” chart.

Who decides what stations go where? It certainly isn’t the stations that make those decisions. We could blame Tony Novia and Kevin McCable, but they’ll both be back in radio soon, so we’ll skip right to the top. It’s a cinch that Erica Farber won’t be returning to radio. In order to successfully return to radio, you have to have been successful in radio. Since Bob Wilson has taken the poison pill, Erica is in charge. Doesn’t everyone feel more secure knowing she’s calling the shots? Her success in radio was marginal. Her knowledge and passion for records is questionable. Maybe R&R should change its name to RA…Radio Advertising. That’s something Erica was good at.

How can R&R arbitrarily leave certain stations as Pop/CHR and throw others out because of the way they lean musically? If stations like Power 106, KMEL and WPGC don’t belong, shouldn’t stations like Z100, WLUM and WEDJ be thrown into another split> Erica? Erica?

Instead of a magazine trying to dictate policy to radio stations, should we instead focus on those programmers who are doing good no matter how their stations lean? Can’t we look at stations like WPLJ, Hot 97 and Z100 in New York, Kiss 108 Boston and Power 106 in Los Angeles and WNNX in Atlanta as a whole; and programmers like Scott Shannon, Steve Smith, Steve Kingston, Steve Rivers, Jay Stevens, Kevin Weatherly, Stevev Perun, Rick Cummings and Brian Phillips as individuals and learn something from all of them?

The programmers and stations mentioned are highly successful with their individual brands of Top 40. Each leans a little (or a lot) toward one type of music. Then there’s Dan Kieley in Omaha successfully playing almost everything. If R&R is to be accurate, a main Top 40 chart should include them all.

The audience doesn’t define their favorite station; they just listen to it. Good music is good music…good radio is good radio.  Shouldn’t radio stations be judged by their success in playing contemporary music as a whole, rather than micro-focused to fit the format of a magazine?

When will R&R learn? Now that Erica Farber is in control, the magazine should drop all charts and focus on delivering news and information to general managers. If the industry was defining R&R, that’s where we would put the publication.

Until then, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. If it rhymes with duck…it’s probably R&R’s charts!

Happy New Year 1995

1/6/1995

Happy New Year! The countdown has begun. Only five years until the biggest party in the history of the world. And for once, that’s no hype.

No matter what Prince says, we can’t party like it’s 1999 until it gets here. And we’re down to the short strokes. Not that any of us are absolutely assured of making it. But with each passing day, our chances do get a little bit better.

The first week of the New Year…it is the best of times…it is the worst of times. It is the first week of the rest of our lives…a time full of hope and joy…a time of great expectations…a time filled with the determination to change your life for the better…a time to alter your ways and become the person you always knew you could be…a bright and happy time that will make the beginning of the new you…no more wasted days and nights, but positive productive hours culminating in dramatic results of gargantuan proportions…this is the year you’re gonna be a contender…this is the time.

The first week of this year is also only one broken promise away from being alike all the others. So, what are you going to do?

Many negative thinkers believe that human beings cannot change their ways…that habits entrenched from years of repetition will remain. This is so much bullshit. Of course, we can change. It happens all the time. People stop smoking. People stop drinking. People stop using drugs.

People can change. People do.

Change is mostly difficult. People, for the most part, don’t want to change. How many people work unhappily in the same job for years without seeking change, then, when fired, exclaim that it was the best thing that happened to them? It only points out the important process of altering one’s lifestyle for the best. For change to occur, first one must want to change.

But wanting it isn’t good enough. There isn’t one person in the world who doesn’t want things to be different. But to become a force in making a difference, you have to add two additional elements: risk and hard work.

I promise that you cannot effect change, even small changes in your own life, without an element of risk and some hard work. Take New Year’s Resolutions, for example. Most everyone makes them…most everyone breaks them. It is a statistical fact that over 97% of all New Year’s Resolutions are broken…usually within the first month of the new year. So why do we make them? Because we want to change. But wanting change just isn’t enough.

After you determine that you want to change something, you have to take a risk. A risk, you ask? What’s the risk? The risk is that you won’t make it…that you’ll fail. Not much risk. Not like your life…or your savings…but fear of failure is risk enough to make many people not even attempt a lifestyle change.

Psychiatrists will tell you that the majority of people are more motivated by the fear of failure than the desire for success. It’s strange…and it’s sad. Failure isn’t something we should be ashamed of. Failure, except in maybe skydiving and bomb handling, isn’t fatal. And failure certainly isn’t forever.

History is full of inventors who failed many times before their ultimate conquest. The early failures meant only that they were attempting to push the envelopes that were confining their thoughts and patterns.

You also must be dedicated to the proposition of success. You must be willing to work…and work hard to succeed. Too often those who don’t succeed point to those who do and say it’s because of luck. More often than not, luck is getting up earlier, working longer and harder and sleeping less. It don’t come easy. “If you wanta sing the blues, you gotta pay your dues.”

Our industry if full of those who want change. We can (and do) fill convention halls with people who put down the status quo, call for new and dramatic changes, then return to their jobs and continue to follow the other sheep. Not only does the majority seldom attempt to effect change, but they are quick to criticize others who introduce innovative ideas. In no other industry is there more bluster and less follow-through. In both radio and records, we have few walls t stifle our creativity, yet we manage daily to stifle ourselves. With some of the brightest minds working in our industry, it is mind-boggling that we manage to cling tightest to the expected ways of doing business rather than exploring the possibilities of new and startling ideas.

The radio and record industries are changing dramatically. And the ways these industries interact are also changing. Programmers know this. Promotion people know this. The sooner the changes are recognized by those higher up who set policy, the sooner the industries will work smoother together for common goals. Too many of those policy-makers are installing marketing adjustments for the wrong reasons. PDs and promotion teams…those soldiers on the front lines…must be involved in the discussions and implementation if these are to be positive and not simply cosmetic changes.

One of 1995’s resolutions for Network 40 is to create a conference that will enable our indstries to explore innovative ways of accomplishing our goals and interests. There are too many conventions now that discuss “How To Produce A Morning Show” or “How To Promote Specific Records To Non-Specific Formats.” What our industry needs is a forum that will allow unfettered ideas to be floated on the winds of openness and excitement without the fear of ridicule. In 1995, Network 40 resolves to provide that forum.

Network 40 is all about positive changes. Our resolutions for the New Year are to continue to explore all possibilities and to stimulate your thoughts and actions toward the same aim. In our exciting industry, we are in control of our own destiny. We have the ability to find the new act…to invent the new format…that will alter the lives of listeners and change the world. It is for this higher purpose that Network 40 exists.

It is in this spirit, along with the quest for knowledge, that we also resolve to print no more naked pictures on Page 6.

Of course, some of these resolutions will be broken sooner than others.

Stocking Stuffers

1/6/1995

Next to when I was nine years old and I got that shiny, red bicycle and my first kiss under the mistletoe, this was my best Christmas ever.

Ever!

R&R changed their charts. Whoa! Can you believe it? R&R will begin publishing unweighted Plays Per Week charts this week.

Truly unbelievable.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends and enemas, animals and freaks, this is an announcement of mammoth proportions…particularly for an uneducated, ignorant country boy like me. Two years ago this week, I wrote the first Editorial on the pages of Network 40 condemning R&R’s charts and the methodology used to gather the information. The entire industry laughed from the sidelines as Network 40 began attacking R&R as an unreliable source of music information.

We began the attack and waited for R&R to blink.

Over the next two years, Network 40 debuted the first Plays Per Week Chart and challenged R&R to do the same. For the next year, R&R clung to their tired, worthless methodology of tabulating inaccurate playlists even as the industry screamed for change. Finally, R&R succumbed. A year ago, R&R finally went to a Plays Per Week Chart. But some of the powers who ran R&R couldn’t even do something that simple correctly.

Instead of a standard PPW chart, R&R conjured u a chart with add factors, unrelated weighting and other voodoo weirdness. The industry howled, but capitulated…for a while.

After another year of ceaseless barraged from the outside world…after 12 more months of foaming at the mouth while trying to drum up empty excuses for the inadequacies of the charts…R&R finally capitulated. With last month’s announcement that R&R would begin publishing an unweighted PPW chart, R&R admitted two long years of mistakes and justified every shot taken in the past 24 months by Network 40.

With this acknowledgement, R&R didn’t blink. R&R grimaced and shit its eyes!

And just when I thought this would be the merriest of Christmases ever…it got even better. First, R&R admitted that their charts were totally screwed up and announced changes beginning in 1995. My heart truly skipped a beat. Then, R&R announced that all of the charts would be changing in 1995…except the Country chart.

Hello…McFly?

The Country chart is the most screwed up of all the R&R charts. It isn’t based on Plays Per Week, the weighting system is bogus, the add factor is ridiculous, the “projected” plays are an industry joke…for all of these and more reasons recently outlined on this commentary page, the Country chart should have been the first one R&R changed. Yet they aren’t changing it at all!

What is wrong with this picture? Are all the other charts (using the same methodology) wrong, but the Country chart right? If so, how? Of all the bone-headed moves made by the R&R hierarchy in the past two years, this one takes the cake. If the methodology behind all the other charts makes them inaccurate and the Country chart uses the same methodology…it doesn’t take a genius to know that the Country chart is also screwed up. Forrest Gump could figure this one out. This chart doesn’t need help like Bosnia doesn’t need help.

The compilation of the Country chart in R&R on the last week of 1994 created so much controversy that Nashville is still up in arms, but this is the chart that doesn’t need to change.

The R&R Country chart is so perfect that Monday at 5 pm on the last week of 1994, that chart showed Faith Hill’s “Take Me As I AM” as the number one song. At 5:30 pm, fully half-an-hour past the cut-off time, a station called in to make changes in their previous report. After the report was tabulated, the new number one record on the Country chart was Joe Diffey’s “Pick-Up Man.” Chart positions were announced and all was right with the world.

Except that Warner Bros. wasn’t pleased that Faith Hill had been knocked from the number one spot after the deadline. Someone let loose some righteous indignation and, supposedly, no less than Erica Farber (who everyone knows is an expert in the field of radio, charts and music…particularly in the Country field) took it upon herself to invalidate the report.

Final result? Faith Hill was back at number one.

Network 40 has long maintained that R&R’s methodology allows the opportunity for chart manipulation, but we never thought the manipulation might take place within the hallowed halls of R&R. Although we applaud Ms. Farber’s zeal in righting what she thought was an obvious wrong, we have a lot of questions.

Did she recall every radio station that reported information that week? As we’re sure someone who heads up a publication based on accurate statistical reporting knows, if you subject any raw data to a challenge, you must subject every piece of raw data to the same challenge for the final information to be statistically accurate. Why was a report taken after the deadline? Who called R&R’s attention to the late report? Why did R&R determine that Joe Diffey would be number one, only to change their mind later? Couldn’t they have waited to make sure? Why does R&R take phoned-in reports that are so easy to manipulate? Why doesn’t R&R demand faxed play information? If, after Ms. Farber changed the station’s report, she had received a call from Epic about another station whose list might have been in error, would she have changed that report also?

This is the chart that’s okay? This is the chart that didn’t change? This is the chart ridiculed on Music Row by a sign saying, “Joe Diffey…Number One in Billboard for Four Weeks…Number One in R&R for an hour!” This chart needs so much help, R&R should call Jimmy Carter.

Come on, R&R. Face the music. The Country chart is absurd. Drop the ridiculous “add factor.” Discontinue the archaic weighting system. Stop having stations “project” their Plays Per Week. Stop letting stations phone in their reports. Accepted only faxed, computer-generated airplay reports so there can be no manipulation.

Then you’ll have an accurate chart. Just like the one coming in Network 40.

I Love L.A.

1/20/1995

When Guns ’N Roses came up with the lyrics, they really didn’t have a clue. “Welcome to the jungle, baby.”

Is it just me or has this past year been a particularly evil bitch? January 17th brought everything full circle. I staggered into the front yard, more than a little groggy from another night of under-indulgence (I always feel worse when I get too much sleep) to the usual screams of my neighbors. After two years, they still aren’t used to the sight of a naked man stalking the morning paper.

Back in the house, I stumbled over the trapeze that had been pulled from the ceiling hooks the night before and cracked by head on the Harley still parked in the living room from last weekend. Too weak to make it to the kitchen for the shot of adrenaline, I rolled over on my back and checked out the headlines.

“7.5 Earthquake Wreaks Havoc!”

I sat up quickly…too quickly. The handlebar of the Harley almost ripped my ear off.

“Damn the beast,” I said to no one there, and no one heard me, not even the chair. I shoved the Harley over on its side and didn’t care when the oil and gasoline began pouring onto the rug. With this much devastation outside, who would care about the carpet?

It must have been a great party…the one I couldn’t remember from the night before…to sleep through a 7.5!

When my eyes finally focused on the story and I saw the earthquake happened in Japan, I threw the paper on top of the oil spill and hoped for the best.

January 17th…a day that will live in earthquake infamy for the rest of this decade at least. Is this something that should be studied? Are these shakers clustering around a specific date? Is this a chapter from “Nostradamus” that I missed? Does anyone know? Does anyone care?

You care if you’re a California resident. That’s mainly because Hollywood is in California. The motion picture business must be somehow responsible for all of the weird things that happen here. Sometimes we believe that Cecil B. DeMille has followed the yellow brick road to heaven or hell and is directing all of the insanity that infiltrates our everyday life. It is the only rational explanation.

Think about the natural disasters that come with the territory. Take the earthquakes…please. We go through som many quakes that they become commonplace…sometimes boring. Where else in the world would buildings shake and floors roll and people nonchalantly look around and say, “Three-five.” Only in Hollywood are quakes graded and scored immediately.

Nothing is ever normal here. We can’t have a minor inconvenience. We have to have disasters. In fact, natural disasters are the norm here. It never rains in Southern California…it pours. We can’t have a few showers…a flash flood or two. Nope. We get the whole nine yards. California was in a drought two years ago. You remember how it ended? Rained for 40 days and nights…just like the picture.

Last month brought on ore rain. Television news doesn’t talk about the weather. Each station has expensive graphics to identify “Storm Watch 95” or another flashy name for what is happening. And the clouds must be tuned in. The Russian River in northern California rose 48 feet above flood level. 48 feet! Here in southern California, we had the Malibu mudslides. Nope, it’s not a new amusement park. It’s a flood of mud that crashes into million-dollar houses and turns them into “minor” fixer-uppers.

And just about the time we dig ourselves out of the mud, the fires will come. Last year, half the state burned. This year, with all the rain, maybe we can keep the burning to a minimum.

People who don’t live here joke about the natural disasters that fall upon California. They laugh and say, “Hey, you’ve had fires, floods and earthquakes. What’s next? Swarms of locusts?” Evidently these people haven’t heard about the killer bees. They’re moving up from Mexico.

And, of course, we’ve got O.J. People get killed in every other city in the world and though it’s sad and unfortunate, it doesn’t turn into a combination circus/soap opera. An all-important game in the finals of professional basketball was interrupted while a white Bronco led the California Highway Patrol on a low-speed chase through Los Angeles. Where else but in L.A. would people leave their cars to cheer for “The Juice” as he ran from his accusers?

Simpson’s house and the murder scene have turned into tourist attractions with police directing the crowds and traffic. Vendors sell souvenirs. It’s disgusting. I had to wait nearly 25 minutes for a T-shirt with his likeness on the front. And everyone has a theory. The only difference is that in California, everyone with a theory is interviewed on TV. Those with really good theories get their own shows.

There is some good news among the bad. Violent crime is down, probably because most of us are holed up inside watching the O.J. trial develop on television. What about F. Lee Bailey and Robert Shapiro fighting because somebody leaked information to the press. The fight about the story is now the front page story. You couldn’t get this script approved for an episode of L.A. Law.

California is a state of mind. It is cracked, crazy and continuous. And if you’re in the record or radio business, it’s even worse. Those of us in the record and radio business are like second-rate citizens. In Hollywood, movies rule. And movie stars rule the movies. Let me put it to you in a way you can understand. If there was one table left at The Ivy and a movie star and a recording artist arrived at the same time, it’s no contest. The singer walks. If it’s the singer versus a television actor…the singer still walks. If it’s the singer and the second lead in a new television sitcom, the Nielsen ratings will be checked (every maitre d’ in Hollywood has a copy handy) and a decision is reached. If you’re in radio…forget about it.

So, people say, if California in general and Los Angeles in particular are so bad, why don’t you get out?

What? And leave show bidness?

I love L.A.