Month: December 1994

12/16/1994

Dear Santa:

It’s been a year since I’ve written. I’m sorry, Santa. I know I should write more often, but face it, in our business, it’s what can you do for me now? Since you only grant wishes once a year, why should I waste the stamp?

You know I don’t feel that way, Santa. I’m only echoing the intensity of our industry. And the industry has been especially intense this year, Santa. Actually, tense would be a better term.

With all of the fallout in the industry, our good people are looking forward to Christmas more this year than any year in the past. So, if you don’t mind, Santa, I would like to ask for some Christmas presents. Not for me, but for my friends in the industry. Most of them won’t ask. The record guys are afraid you’ll demand a promotion in return. And the radio guys have already given their wish list to their local reps. So just let me drop a couple of hints.

Don’t give Burt Baumgartner anything. He’s getting everything he wants as he moves to California. However, if you could, please do me one favor, Santa. Burt is shipping one of his cars out early and has asked met o put it in my garage for “safe keeping.” Let him send the Viper…with the keys. I promise I won’t wreck it and I’ll never let Burt know I’m cruising the strip in it until his arrival.

Give Jerry Blair another phone so he can talk to five people at the same time. For Jerry Lembo, some No-Doz so he can stay up past ten. For Charlie Walk, a little more exposure. Let Jim Burruss have a new computer…preferably a Mac. Don’t worry about Justin Fontaine. Having Burt as his boss is quite enough. Just let him continue to lose to me in golf, although you don’t have to grant that wish, Santa. I’ll take care of that.

For Tenenbaum, a decision on the length of his hair…or really, any decision. Let him finally make one. And for Gorlick, any cheap shot. He’s so easy to pick on. Actually, Santa, give Gorlick a discount at the Palm, though he should be able to accomplish that on his own. What about Paula? Something good for having to work with those two.

For Craig Lambert, wedding bliss. For Val DeLong, an unhappy marriage so she’ll come running to me. And for Greg Thompson, patience and new answers for the same questions.

For John Fagot, a better year for the Bulldogs (I know I asked for that last year, Santa, but keep trying, will you?) For Costello, a new hairstyle. His wife can work wonders…she just needs to work harder on him. Let the Rebels tie them Dogs for Blalock so he and John can be satisfied. And Pat’s picture for Reiner.

A skyhook for Sky Daniels so he can slam those records home. More trips to the West Coast for Riccitelli. More radio stations for Vicki Leben to call…she’s down to about 400 a week. And a healthy baby for Murdock.

A healthy, happy, stress-less year for Stu Cohen. A big raise for Barney. Please, please, Santa, let Rich Fitzgerald find another restaurant. I know he gets mileage-plus at Iroha, but its gone way too far. Give Ratner absolutely, positively anything and everything he wants.

Polly Anthony got everything she wanted in 1994, but put some icing on her cake next year. Let Barb Seltzer have even more opportunities to hell me I’m the man. I’ll even convert. Make Dale Connone stay away from my daughter. (I know many others have asked you for this same wish, Santa. Grant them, please.) A huge jug of Cajun martinis for Hilary Shaev. For Rick Bisceglia, more nights like the one in San Francisco last month. And let Bruce Schoen get out of the office more.

It was a rough year for Andrea Ganis. She was run over by a cab, dirtied in the streets and slashed by an unfortunate Network 40 package. Let 1995 be accident-free. And have her keep up the matchmaking. Maybe it will work. Give Danny Buch a real radio station to program. Steve Leavitt needs one less computer. And tell Cubby he doesn’t need to attend every event on the West Coast. More hours in the day would be nice for Peter Napoliello. A bigger expense account for Ken Lane. And a cover for Michael Steele. You don’t need to Give Brenda Romano anything. 1995 is going to be her year. For Lopes? Flannel shirts and jeans.

A huge promotion for Butch Waugh. And another “statement” cover for Skip Bishop. More trips to the desert for Michael Plen. He needs them. And more time for golf for Bill Pfordresher. I’m beating him way to badly now.

Jack Satter wants the inside line to The Chrome Lizard. Mark Kargol has to find a new friend. The one he’s got is wearing him out. David Leach needs a membership to a country club. Andy doesn’t. And Kerry has to come out here more often. A Coolio hairstyle for Becce. A giant hit for Ray Carlton.

Many more dinners with Nancy Levin. (Oops, that’s my wish. Okay, I’ll buy.) And more hit records for Ann Marie to bring home.

Switches and ashes for Rick Stone…he’s been a bad boy. Give Lori Anderson the world and everything that’s in it…and one less trip to Disneyland with the kids. How about giving Minor’s throw-aways to Spendlove so he can get his wish and finally be just like Charlie?

Give Joel Denver the best and R&R the worst.

Network 40’s staff needs a lot, Santa. Let Dwayne finally close Hard Kill…though they’re all hard for him. And let him hang with all the “players.” A Knicks’ championship for Pat since he’s in New York to enjoy it. A new rubber chicken for Jeff. Please, Santa, please get some hip clothes for Kilgo…or sunglasses for the rest of us. A non-addictive sedative for Kristen to be administered each Monday. More Crossover stations for Meade. A “special” friend for Karen. For Sara, a real man. We asked for this last year, Santa, and she still doesn’t have one. Kathryn wants more male cheesecake photos. The Lizard wants the opposite. Give Leah a part-time job at KIIS. A beautiful wedding for Josie…ditto Kathryn. A perfect Country state of mind for Barry and Jamie. Harman needs more artistic freedom. Debby wants at least one dead-line to be hit. Let Helen’s “special” relationship with Gorlick to continue. James needs a louder voice…but don’t give it to him. To Victor, a week with no meltdowns. Alden wants an audience with the Joint Chiefs of Staff. A day off for Stan.

Peace on earth and good will toward men and women. And to all a good night.

12/9/1994

“Some guys have all the luck. Some guys get all the breaks.”

Ah, to be a radio programmer. Just think about it for a minute. A radio programmer has the best tickets to the best concerts. You want to make points with the bimbo and meet the band? No problem. Backstage passes?

Anything you want, babe.

What about dinner? Best restaurant in town? You want to bring the bimbo? And three of her friends? No problem Your parents might be there, too? Sure. Bring them along.

You need a promotion because you’re too lame to think one up for yourself? Or your station is too broke to pay for it? You want tickets to Hawaii for a couple of your winners? And you want to go along as their chaperone? And bring the bimbo? Of course. It’s done.

That prize fight in Las Vegas next weekend? You say the new bimbo is a fight fan? A boxer herself? Oh, a mud wrestler. Close enough. You want to get a suite, sit up front and pretend you’re important and rich?

You’re there, babe.

You’ve got to admit, the life of a radio programmer ain’t all bad. You get all the good things in life without having to pay for them, if you don’t count having to play a “strange” record on occasion. You can act like an ugly, insensitive know-it-all jerk. And people will pretend to like you.

Plus, you have the opportunity to win cash and fabulous prizes in the A.I.R. competition for doing what you’re paid to do already…listen to new music and figure out how well the songs will do. What a wonderful, wonderful life.

“Some guys do nothing but complain.”

And then there is the life of the record promotion person. A PD wants dinner? Trips? Promotions? The promo person must provide willingly and pretend to be happy about it.

The promo person must also spend “quality” time with the bimbo, although, in many cases, the bimbo is actually better company that the PD. And the promo person would rather talk with her. But that’s another Editorial.

So the promo person must slop through the sludge with the slugs. And ultimately pay for the A.I.R. competition that sends PDs cash and fabulous prizes.

And there’s nothing extra for the record promotion person, is there? No contest to enter. No games to play. No way to get cash and fabulous prizes. Every promotion person knows they would do better than every PD in any music competition. But there isn’t any.

Do-do-dee-do-da-do! (Think horns.)

To the rescue come your good friends at Network 40. Recognizing the terrible plight of those in the record business (and it’s easy for us to recognize those slights because as former PDs, we were the slighters not so long ago), Network 40 is proud to announce a contest with cash and fabulous prizes for record company promotion people only. We call it, “H.O.T.A.I.R.”

“Heavy On The Absolutely Incredible Bullshit!” (Okay, so we couldn’t come up with a suitable word that means the same thing and begins with an “R”…excuuuusssseeee me!)

After months of careful evaluation and exhausting research, we have come up with the ultimate contest…HOT AIR.

We call it HOT AIR because that’s exactly what it is…HOT AIR. (Actually, it’s really HOT AIB, but that doesn’t have the same ring.)

It costs nothing to enter. The only stipulation is that you have to be a promotion person, listen to the music and participate each week.

The rules are quite simple:

(1)  Each week, Network 40 will ask you to listen to five records and predict how well these records will do on Network 40’s PPW chart.

(2)  Points are awarded as follows:

10:  Predict the record won’t make the chart and it doesn’t. (Minus 10 if it does.)

25:  Predict the record makes it into the Top 40 and it does. (Minus 25 if it doesn’t.)

50:  Predict the record makes it into the Top 10 and it does. (Minus 50 if it doesn’t.”

100: Predict the record makes it to number one and it does. (Minus 100 if it doesn’t.)

Points are totaled sometime during the year and a winner is announced. You are also eligible for special “bonus” points as follows:

150:  Be the first person in your company to close out your region. (Minus 150 if you’re the last. Plus 300 if you’re the last and still hang on to your job!)

250:  Get one of your records added on a radio station without going through the independent. (This bonus is not applicable if you pay the indie anyhow.)

500:  Get any of your records added on a radio station without having to provide a promotion or a time buy. (This bonus is not applicable for any record already in the Top 10…unless, of course, it’s on WKRQ.)

750:  Get any of your records added on a radio station by talking only with the music director. (This bonus is not applicable at stations where the music director’s input is actually important…which means it’s pretty much applicable everywhere.)

1000: Get a record added at a station and have no one else call to take credit for it. (This bonus will be paid on the honor system…we’ll have to take your word for it and trust that you wouldn’t ever lie…so this will never be applicable.)

1500: Predict any record on Imago will make it into the Top 40 and it does. (If one of Imago’s records actually makes it into the Top 40, then to collect these points, you must pay Network 40 for the amount of advertising dollars we’ll lose for taking this shot!)

2000: Get one of your competitor’s records added instead of your own so you can get credit for the points. (This bonus will be tripled if you tell your boss that is the reason that you didn’t get an add that week.)

3000: Get the bimbo to talk the PD into adding one of your records. (This bonus is tripled if you bring this up in front of his wife!)

So, now you have the rules for Network 40’s exclusive HOT AIR contest. Remember, all decisions of the judges are final. The number of ads you purchase in Network 40 has no bearing on the outcome…as long as you don’t want to win!

12/2/1994

Old School.

It’s a term that’s being heard more and more often in our industry…and not with a glamorous connotation.

Old School, more often than not, is a description hung on anyone or anything that doesn’t seem to fit into today’s changing world. Old School. Old fashioned. Old way of doing things.

Almost overnight, a young, cutting-edge, Alternative brand of music began sweeping the nation. It caught most of us by surprise. And the musicians who were making this music were cut from a different cloth. Success, to most of them, was having a semi-regular gig at some place that allowed them to play whatever they wanted and act as outrageously as their lifestyles dictated. Small, independent record companies signed a lot of these bands and nurtured that style. Records, for the most part, sold to a small, fanatical core.

But something happened on the way to another “here to day, gone tomorrow” fad. A lot of the music began to be accepted into the Mainstream. And from an art form, a commercial success began to boom. Large record companies, recognizing a good thing…finally, began signing these bands and the music grew. Suddenly, Alternative wasn’t an alternative any more. Today, it is becoming the mainstay of Mainstream.

And the snake ate the baby.

Change is a fact of life. Positive change is a part of success. But changing for the wrong reasons…or just for the sake of change…is the key to disaster. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” is more than an old saying…it, too, is a fact of life. And a chief ingredient for continued success.

There are those in the record industry seeking change for the sake of change… particularly where promotion is concerned. And it’s a mistake.

Some have the opinion that to successfully promote Alternative radio stations or stations with an Alternative edge, a different approach must be used. The old ways don’t work. A kinder, gentler promotional approach supplied by a younger, hipper promotion person is needed. Since when did applying pressure to get a record played become unacceptable?

It is wrong to assume that promotion people must reflect the acts they are paid to promote. They should reflect the interests of the record companies they represent.

There are no “natural” promotion people. Admittedly, some are more adept than others, but promotion is certainly a “learned” occupation. And unlike professional athletes, who rely on skill and coordination that deteriorate rather quickly, promotion people get better with time.

It is a unique occupation. No other is so contingent upon relationships. The longer someone is in the business of promoting records, the more programmers he meets. And in promotion, the more you know…the more you know.

Of course, you must have talent. Just calling radio stations doesn’t qualify anyone as a good promotion person any more than having blue hair, a nipple ring and a laid back attitude qualifies one as perfect for the Alternative genre.

Record companies are influenced by music. Programmers are professionals who are paid to program radio stations. The music is often incidental. A record company that makes a decision on the wants and needs of a programmer based on the music he plays is in for a big surprise.

The Alternative programmers of today were the Top 40 and AOR programmers of yesterday. And they may be in a different format tomorrow. When GMs look for programmers, they aren’t impressed by the success in the music business…they weigh a candidate’s success in the radio business. When Trip Reeb searched for the perfect person to program KROQ, who did he choose? Kevin Weatherly, whose success was at Rhythm-formatted KKLQ. Was there a more Mainstream programmer than Steve Kingston before he switched Z100 to an Alternative lean? And where was Brian Philips before WNNX and Tom Poleman before KRBE? Or AOR standouts Scott Jameson at WRZX and Ron Nenni at KOME?

Good record promotion people know radio. They understand PDs because they’ve been dealing with them for years. In all of the different formats. Because of the music…and in many cases, in spite of the music.

Any good record company recognizes the importance of being artist-friendly and promotionally aggressive. Warner Bros. built its sizable reputation on this premise.

Because it’s an Alternative station, is the pressure any different? In most cases, because it’s an Alternative station, the pressure is greater because the budgets are smaller. Are all those Alternative stations adding records and not asking for promotions. And none of those stations are demanding acoustic Christmas concerts, are they? Promotion people don’t need to call on these stations because these programmers just sit around and listen to music all day. They don’t have to worry about running a radio station because it’s Alternative…it’s an art form.

So who do you want promoting Kevin Weatherly, Steve Kingston, Brian Philips, Tom Poleman and the rest of the Alternative programmers? The guy with blue hair and a pierced nipple who has little knowledge of radio and promotion, or the promotion people who have worked with them for years in other formats?

Or we could just jump on that buzzword of the ’90s bandwagon…marketing. I will be (and have been on these pages) the first to admit that the industry needs to explore alternative ways of getting records to its audience, but marketing as a stand-alone operation is a losing proposition. It’s healthy to expand marketing plans and to develop additional marketing ideas, but marketing without airplay doesn’t fly, Orville.

Suppose all radio stations stopped playing music and music videos were banned from TV. Where would that marketing plan kick in to pick up the slack.

Marketing can maximize a good promotional effort. But without promotion…without airplay…marketing doesn’t cut it. It’s funny that all those marketing discussions end late Tuesday afternoon when the only thing that matters is airplay. And who gets the airplay? Not that great marketing campaign or those point-of-purchase posters.

Promotion people get the airplay. And who gets the most airplay? The best promotion people. Those with relationships built over time.

Old School.

We should all enroll!